Ya Banati 2: On Love and Marriage
Marriage is a journey of growth and worship—my second love letter to you is a reminder to love and forgive for Allah’s sake, always trusting His wisdom.
Ya Banati (Oh, my daughters),
In my last letter to you, I covered an array of topics—beauty, priorities, marriage, mentorship, and death—but for this one, I am focusing specifically on one of them—love and marriage. This comes in a season where I have been doing a lot of marriage and divorce counseling and subsequently writing about it. Most recently, my papers have been about when a marriage is ending and after it’s over, so I wanted to give you something more positive.
Few blessings in this life are as profound and transformative as a righteous marriage. It is a partnership ordained by Allah, meant to be a source of sakina (tranquility), mawaddah (love), and rahmah (mercy).1 But marriage is not a destination but a continuous journey of building, nurturing, and striving for Allah’s pleasure through your relationship.
As all meaningful endeavors do, this journey will test you. You will encounter moments of joy and difficulty, ease and hardship. But it is through these moments that you will grow, both as a couple and as individuals. As an Imam, through counseling and community service, I have been blessed to learn extremely impactful things from wives. I pray that my words, not in any particular order, guide you as you embark on this sacred path.
Love is Not a Transaction
Ya Banati, love is not a calculation of who gave more or who sacrificed less. True love is not transactional; it is altruistic. It thrives when given freely, not in anticipation of something in return, but as an act of sincerity and devotion. In marriage, this principle is vital. You must approach your husband with a spirit of generosity, seeking to nurture and protect the bond between you.
When you enter marriage, do so wholeheartedly. Once you’ve tied the knot, there can be no hesitation or holding back out of fear of being hurt. Think back to the care and effort that went into the courting phase. Remember how intentional you both were in getting to know one another, aligning your goals, and preparing for a shared life. That process was not an endpoint but a foundation. Now that you are married, lean into that foundation.
Selfless love is not reserved for grand gestures or special occasions. It is expressed in the everyday acts that show care and consideration: listening attentively to your husband’s worries, supporting him when he is burdened, or even preparing a meal. These seemingly small acts create a reservoir of trust and affection that will sustain you through the trials of life.
Allah brought you together for a reason. Trust in His wisdom and in the process of building a life with your spouse. A “plan B” mentality—where you imagine escape routes or hold onto doubts—will only create cracks in the foundation of your marriage. While it is wise to approach marriage with maturity and foresight, excessive focus on what could go wrong reduces this sacred bond to a mere contract. Furthermore, unless your husband is abusive or neglectful, constantly entertaining “what if” scenarios will create problems and open the door for Shaytan (Satan). These thoughts, “plan-Bs” and “what-ifs,” sow seeds of insecurity, undermining the blessings of your marriage.
Love is an ongoing process, not a static emotion. Every day, ask yourself: Am I giving freely or expecting something in return? If you find yourself keeping score, take a step back and purify your intentions. Loving altruistically (for the sake of Allah) is a negative feedback loop; the more you invest into the marriage, the less external stimuli impact you, your heart grows lighter, your connection deepens, and your marriage flourishes.
Hadana: A Woman’s Superpower
Ya Banati, if “love is not transactional” is countercultural today, my following advice is even more so. Despite what you may have experienced in our home, collectivism (where priority is given to the group over the individual) is a thing of the past, and hyper-individualism reigns supreme. While I know in the last letter we spoke about priorities and marriage, society and mainstream culture will pressure you to be a “Boss Babe.”2 Even if you’re not oriented that way, it seeps into the fibers of our being and perspective, just like the “Red Pill” rhetoric impacts men. So, the question is, how do we find our balance? How can you be a woman with ambitions of success in your career and family? The short answer is: I don’t know.
That said, something I learned from sisters, particularly Dr. UmmZaid Janan Delgado—the Harvard-trained scholar of Islamic Law who also happens to be Uncle Sh. Yasir Fahmy’s wife; you remember her, right?—is that the most profound gift Allah has bestowed upon women is the power of hadana (nurturing).3 This innate ability to care for and uplift those around you is not a weakness but a strength—a superpower that allows you to play a pivotal role in your marriage and family. Nurturing does not mean you are confined or of lesser value than your husband. On the contrary, it means you possess a unique capacity to shape your home's emotional and spiritual environment.
Through hadana, you create a sanctuary of love and tranquility. When you nurture your husband with care, patience, and kindness, you empower him to face the challenges of the outside world with confidence. When you nurture your children, you instill values that carry them through their lives. This role is indispensable, and no one else can fulfill it as you can.
Understand, baby girl, that hadana does not limit your potential or imply that you cannot contribute outside the home. Instead, it highlights your ability to elevate those around you while pursuing your goals. Because you and your husband are a team and have to define your specific roles (I cannot do that for you), use your nurturing nature as a blessing from Allah to strengthen the bonds of your marriage and ensure that your home remains a place of peace and harmony.
An example is the Sahabiya (female companion of the Prophet ﷺ), Umm Sulaym. Her son became severely ill and died while her husband, AbuTalhah, was away. Despite her grief, she displayed remarkable patience—preparing her son for burial and refraining from immediately informing her husband. When AbuTalhah returned and asked about their son, UmmSulaym said, “The child is quiet, and I hope he is in peace.”4 After beautifying herself the best way she ever did, they shared a meal and were intimate. The following day, before he went out to pray Fajr, she gently informed him of their son’s passing.5
UmmSulaym embraced this gift and fulfilled a crucial role in her relationship, which complements her husband's roles and responsibilities. Take this example and form a partnership with your husband in which each contributes uniquely, creating a balance that reflects the wisdom of Allah’s design. Do not undervalue this power, for it is through your nurturing spirit that love, mercy, and understanding will flourish in your home.
“The man may be the head of the household. But the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head whichever way she pleases.”
–Nia Vardalos, My Big Fat Greek Wedding
Husnul-Dhun of Your Spouse
Ya Banati, One of the most powerful tools for maintaining harmony in your marriage is husnul-dhann (having good opinions). Misunderstandings will arise, and there will be days when your husband’s actions disappoint you. In those moments, resist the temptation to assume the worst.
Many, arguably most, men carry a deep sense of responsibility for their families. Their sense of worth is often tied to their ability to provide and protect. When they fall short—whether due to financial struggles, stress, or personal mistakes—they may retreat inward, becoming distant or irritable. Criticism in these moments can wound them deeply, making it harder for them to recover. Instead, approach these situations with understanding and encouragement. Say to him, “I see how hard you are trying. May Allah give you strength.” These simple words can uplift him and help him rise to meet his challenges.
Don’t overlook how powerful husnul-dhun can be for you and your husband. You would be amazed at how I counsel couples, where Shaytan uses negative thoughts and assumptions to cause great visures between spouses. Having husnl-dhun is having good assumptions of things that have transpired and how we assume they will respond. One funny story, admittedly only tangentially related, was that I was once counseling a couple, and both were maintaining certain habits under the assumption that the other preferred things. The husband said, “I didn’t want to argue and assumed that’s what she liked,” and the wife said something similar. Both were existing in the marriage, frustrated with each other because of delusions in their minds. When I pointed it out, they were shocked and embarrassingly laughed.
However, maintaining a good opinion does not mean ignoring serious flaws or mistreatment. Kindness and compassion should never come at the expense of your dignity or well-being. If your husband consistently prioritizes himself above you, neglects your rights, or behaves selfishly or his actions don’t align with his words, you must address these issues with clarity and courage.
Being principled means recognizing that marriage is a partnership, and one-sided sacrifice will not lead to success. If you find yourself married to a man who is selfish or neglectful, begin by addressing the issue directly. Share your concerns respectfully, offering solutions that align with the teachings of Islam. If he is unwilling to change, or if his actions harm you emotionally, physically, or spiritually, seek guidance from trusted elders, scholars, or counselors. Remember that Allah does not want you to endure oppression, even within the bounds of marriage.
Compassion and firmness are not mutually exclusive. You can hold onto your values while striving to approach your spouse with kindness and patience. Regardless of the circumstances, know that I love you and am always here for you. Please don’t worry about souring my opinion of your husband; we all make mistakes. I know I have. I would much rather you bring problems while they’re still minor than wait until they have escalated beyond control. Trust that Allah sees your efforts and will reward your sincerity.
“Beware of suspicion, for suspicion is the worst of false tales; and do not look for the others' faults and do not spy, and do not be jealous of one another, and do not desert (cut your relation with) one another, and do not hate one another; and O Allah's worshipers! Be brothers (as Allah has ordered you!)”6
–Prophet Muhammad ﷺ
His Family is Not Your Husband
Ya, Banati, let me give you this advice plainly: Your husband’s family is not your husband. Navigating the relationship with your husband’s family can be challenging, but do not hold him accountable for their actions. Furthermore, no matter what happens, do not allow their shortcomings to overshadow your view of him.
Your husband did not choose his family, just as you did not choose yours. He loves them because they are his blood, just as you love your family. Understand this about him, and do not make him feel like he must choose between you and them. If his family says or does things that upset you, address these issues with wisdom and gentleness. Speak to your husband with respect, and work together to find solutions. But do not let their actions poison your relationship with him.
At the same time, respecting his family does not mean allowing them to overstep boundaries. You and your husband must work together to establish clear limits that protect the peace of your home. These boundaries should be communicated respectfully but firmly, ensuring that both sides feel honored while maintaining the sanctity of your marriage.
I believe the responsibility lies with the person whose family is agitating the family dynamic. So, if that’s your husband’s family, do not get in between him and his family. Let him handle it, InshaAllah. But if he doesn’t understand why or how much the challenges disturb you, I suggest you get outside counsel, preferably someone wise and trusted by your husband (hopefully me!), who can mediate between you both.
Remember, baby girl, your home is your sanctuary. It is a space of love, peace, and security. Protect it from unnecessary conflict, and do not allow external influences to disrupt the harmony you and your husband work so hard to build.
Gratitude Will Protect Your Heart
Ya Banati, In today’s world of atomized nuclear families and social media, where we don’t intimately interact with anyone outside our households and what we see is processed through filters and AI, it is so easy to look at others and feel that your marriage is lacking. But let me tell you this: every couple has struggles, and every marriage has hidden challenges. What you see on the surface is rarely the whole story.
When you focus on what others have, you lose sight of the blessings Allah has given you. Gratitude is the shield that will protect your heart from discontent. Reflect on the gifts Allah has placed in your marriage: the companionship of your husband, the shared moments of joy, and the support you give one another. These are treasures that many people long for but may never have.
Gratitude is not just a spiritual principle; it is a way of life that transforms how you see your world. After UmmSulaym informed her husband of their son’s passing, AbuTalha initially got upset. UmmSulaym asked him, “If some people gave something as a loan and then asked for it back, would they have the right to withhold it?” He replied, “No.” She then said, “So, seek reward for the loss of your son.” When you focus on the positive, your emotional burden is lighter, and your love for your spouse deepens. The Prophet ﷺ made dua for their family, and Allah blessed them with nine sons, all of whom became reciters of the Quran.7
Don’t be stingy with your gratitude, either. If you’re grateful for something in your life, whether your marriage or your husband, remember to thank Allah. Gratitude is expressed in a few ways: first, thank Allah for it (i.e., say “Al-Humdulillah”), as without Him we would have nothing; secondly, ensure your actions exhibit that gratitude because genuine gratitude necessitates piety; tell those you love and trust (especially your husband). Recognize how blessed you both are, tell each other how grateful you are and precisely what for, and give each other gifts. As Allah says in the Quran, “Proclaim the blessings of your Lord.”
If you find yourself comparing your marriage to others, shift your perspective. As the Prophet ﷺ said, “Look at those who stand at a lower level than you, but don't look at those who stand at a higher level than you, for that is better suited that you do not disparage Allah's favors.”8 Let their resilience inspire you to appreciate what Allah has given you. Gratitude will humble you and fill your heart with contentment.
Make Your Marriage an Act of Worship
Finally, Ya Banati, remember that marriage is more than a partnership—it is a means of drawing closer to Allah. You are engaged in worship when you sincerely care for your husband, forgive his shortcomings, and strive to create a home filled with love and tranquility.
Allah describes marriage as a bond of sakina (tranquility), mawaddah (love), and rahmah (mercy). These qualities do not appear on their own. You must cultivate them through your knowledge and understanding of Allah, yourself, and your spouse; additionally, how you process and intentionally respond to your experiences in the world (inwardly and externally). It requires much patience and grace. When you treat your husband with love for the sake of Allah, every act—no matter how small—becomes a source of reward.
The challenges you face together are not obstacles; they are opportunities. Every hardship is a chance to grow closer to Allah and one another. With every difficulty, ask yourself: How can I respond in a way that pleases Allah? This mindset will transform your marriage into a source of barakah (blessings) and spiritual growth.
Ya Banati, I want you to remember that you never have to feel too shy to come to me regardless of what happens. Ever! I promise, if you’re honest with me, I will never hold it against you. As corny as it may be, in the words of Marvin Gaye,
“Ain't no mountain high, ain't no valley low
Ain't no river wide enough, baby
If you need me, call me, no matter where you are
No matter how far, don't worry, baby
Just call my name, I'll be there in a hurry
You don't have to worry.”9
I pray that your marriages become gardens of love and mercy, places of comfort and strength. May Allah guide, protect, and bless your homes with His infinite barakah (blessings). May He grant you patience, wisdom, and hearts that are always turned to Him because, ultimately, all success is from Him. Ameen!
Love you,
Baba
Quran 30:21.
A boss babe is “a woman who is an ambitious, independent leader and entrepreneur. … It’s about embodying an attitude of confidence, strength, and leadership in everything you do. … A woman in charge of her own life and destined for big things!” See “What Is The Meaning Of “Boss Babe” and How to Become One?”
Her episode on the Harvard Islamic Studies podcast was amazing and her dissertation (“The Ties that Bind, Child Custody in Andalusi Mālikism, 3rd/9th-6th-12th c.”) is top-tier scholarship, MashaAllah!
Very Inspiring, thank you for sharing your knowledge with us. May Oh Allah continue to bless & knowledge you always , InshAllah .
جزاك الله خيرًا في الدنيا والأخرة
This was so beautiful. I hope I will be able to remember all of this when the time comes and I hope all married men and women start understanding this for their own good.