Divorce and Its Roots: Understanding the Three Core Causes
Rising divorce rates reveal patterns of early mistakes, unresolved issues, and changes over time. Here’s what we can learn.
I am blessed to work at one of the largest masjids on the East Coast. With six branches, two affiliate locations, and a dedicated Office of the Imams consisting of seven members, we serve a sprawling 50-square-mile radius. Our community is vibrant and diverse, but as with any community, challenges persist. One of the metrics we use to gauge the community’s pulse is what we call the divorce-to-marriage ratio. It’s a simple but telling measure: if the number of marriages performed in a given period outpaces the number of divorces, we consider ourselves on the right track.
Unfortunately, the trend is not always encouraging. While some weeks see joyous celebrations of love and unity, others are marked by the painful dissolution of marriages. Divorce is undoubtedly on the rise in our community. From my counseling work, I’ve observed three overarching causes for divorce: entering marriage for the wrong reasons, unresolved trauma, and the natural process of growing apart.
Understanding these causes isn’t just about diagnosing the problem; it’s about finding ways to strengthen relationships, support those in need, and help our community thrive. Let’s delve into each of these reasons, not to place blame, but to foster understanding and growth.
1. Shouldn’t Have Gotten Married in the First Place
One of the most common reasons behind divorce is rooted in the very beginning of the relationship: the decision to marry. Many marriages, in hindsight, should not have happened. As Imams, we see this reality unfold during premarital counseling—or more heartbreakingly, when couples seek our guidance during their divorce proceedings.
Often, couples are swept into marriage by external pressures. Families push for unions based on culture, convenience, or appearance rather than compatibility. Some individuals rush into marriage for fear of being alone or because they believe it’s “time,” even if the relationship isn’t truly ready for that commitment. Others get caught up in the intoxicating early romantic feelings of their connection, mistaking infatuation for long-term compatibility.
Islam reminds us that compatibility is essential in marriage. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ emphasized the importance of choosing a spouse based on religion and character, saying, “If a man whose religion and character are pleasing comes to you (seeking marriage), then marry him.”1 This prioritization helps ensure the relationship is built on a solid foundation rather than external pressures or fleeting emotions.
A key part of this shaky foundation is a lack of self-awareness. Many individuals enter marriage without a clear understanding of their own needs, values, or nonnegotiables. They might assume that love will compensate for these unknowns, only to realize later that their spouse cannot fulfill the needs they didn’t articulate—or didn’t even know they had. For example, one partner may deeply value emotional connection and verbal affirmation, while the other struggles with vulnerability or expresses love differently. These mismatched expectations can lead to frustration, loneliness, and unmet desires.
The Quran reminds us of the importance of clarity and sincerity in our words and actions: “O you who have believed, fear Allah and speak words of appropriate justice.”2 Entering marriage with honesty and transparency about our needs and expectations is wise and an act of worship.
2. Unresolved Trauma: The Ghosts That Haunt Relationships
Trauma is a silent force that can weigh heavily on marriages. Whether it stems from childhood experiences, past relationships, or hardships endured within the marriage itself, unresolved trauma often manifests in ways that erode intimacy and trust.
In our work as Imams, we encounter couples who struggle with deep-seated pain they may not even realize they carry. For example, one partner may have grown up in a household marked by neglect or emotional unavailability. Without healing, they might unconsciously recreate those dynamics in their marriage, either by withdrawing emotionally or by seeking constant reassurance. Prophet Muhammad ﷺ encouraged us to address their struggles and seek solutions: “Indeed, Allah has sent down the disease and the cure, and He has made for every disease a cure. So seek treatment.”3
Other times, the trauma occurs within the marriage itself—infidelity, financial betrayal, or patterns of emotional neglect. I recall one case where a couple came to us after years of tension. The husband had grown up without a father, and though he was determined not to repeat those patterns, he often could not understand his wife. On the other hand, his wife had experienced betrayal in a past relationship and struggled to trust him fully. Together, their unhealed wounds created a cycle of conflict and withdrawal that neither knew how to escape.
The key to breaking this cycle is recognizing that healing is an individual journey as much as a collective one. As Imams, we encourage couples to seek therapy, not just for the marriage but for themselves. It’s not about “fixing” one another but creating a space where both partners can grow, heal, and support each other. Without that effort, trauma often becomes the silent thread unraveling the relationship.
3. Growing Apart: When Love Changes Over Time
Not every divorce stems from conflict or trauma. Sometimes, it’s simply a matter of two people growing in different directions. This is perhaps the hardest reason to accept because it lacks the clarity of a specific “wrong.” Instead, it reflects the reality that people change—and not always in ways that align with one another.
Our community often sees this dynamic in couples who have been married for ten or more years. They shared dreams and values early on, but their paths diverged over the years. One partner might develop a passion for activism or personal growth, while the other finds joy in a quieter, more predictable life. Neither is at fault, but the distance between them grows, making it harder to sustain the connection they once shared.
This process of “growing apart” doesn’t happen overnight. Often, it begins with subtle shifts—moments of disconnection that seem minor in isolation but accumulate over time. Perhaps one partner cannot express their needs, fearing rejection or misunderstanding. Maybe the other is too distracted by work, personal stress, or other responsibilities to notice the growing distance.
Like all aspects of life, relationships can be tests of patience and understanding. The Quran acknowledges this, “And We have made some of you as a trial for others—will you have patience? And your Lord is ever Seeing.”4
While some couples find ways to adapt through honest dialogue and mutual effort, others discover the chasm between them is larger than they can traverse or requires more than they are willing to commit to. Even in such moments, Islam encourages us to act with Ihsan (spiritual excellence) and fairness. The Quran commands, “Indeed, Allah commands you to render trusts to whom they are due and when you judge between people to judge with justice.”5
Lessons from the Trenches: What Divorce Teaches Us About Marriage
The rising divorce rates in our community are a sobering reality, but they also offer valuable insights. They remind us of the importance of intentionality in relationships—of marrying for the right reasons, addressing our personal wounds, and embracing the growth that comes with time.
As Imams, we are here to help. Whether through premarital counseling, guiding couples through difficulties, or simply offering a listening ear, our goal is to provide support and clarity. We often tell couples that the earlier they seek help for problems as they arise, the better their chances of resolving them. Ignoring or delaying these issues often allows them to fester, making resolution more difficult.
While we encourage couples to develop independence and resilience within their relationship, seeking external support is not a sign of failure. There is no shame in asking for help. It takes courage to admit when things aren’t working and to seek guidance from those who can offer perspective and tools for healing.
We are only responsible for our own actions and striving for excellence—not anyone else’s. Regardless of the circumstance, we must act with Ihsan and keep a long-term vision. The Quran reassures those facing the pain of separation: “But if they separate, Allah will enrich each [of them] from His abundance. And ever is Allah Encompassing and Wise.”6 If children are involved, their well-being must be the foremost concern. Children watch and listen to everything we do and say, absorbing lessons about love, respect, and conflict. They deserve to witness kindness and dignity, even in moments of difficulty.
Divorce is painful, but it’s not the end of the story. As we see daily in our community, it can also be a step toward growth, healing, and a deeper understanding of what it means to love and be loved. By striving for Ihsan and considering the greater picture—especially when children are involved—we can transform a painful experience into a path of renewal and hope.
May Allah bless our marriages with love, understanding, and compassion. May He guide us to fulfill our roles as spouses with sincerity and patience. For those struggling, may Allah grant healing, wisdom, and the strength to overcome challenges. And for those facing separation, may Allah provide peace, closure, and opportunities for growth. Ameen.
Ultimately, with Allah is success.
To explore the journey of healing and rediscovering purpose in the aftermath of separation, read more in Life After Divorce.
Quran 33:70.
Quran 25:20.
Quran 4:58.
Quran 4:130.
The "Growing Apart" cause is indeed one of the harder ones to deal with, but I believe takes a good amount of awareness from both ends to blossom post-divorce. Thank you for writing this, Allah bless you for the work you do 🤲🏼
I am sure it does. I never wanted to but it happens.