Life After Divorce
When relationships crumble, the true test is how we rise, find meaning, and grow stronger in the face of heartbreak.
“You are divorced,” Fulan Khayali told his wife, Allana, in my office.1 Despite having marriage troubles for the last five years, this still came as a shock for Allana. They have three kids under fifteen and have been together for almost two decades.
“Nooo! No, no no no no! Fulan, Habibi, No,” Allana begged. “Please don’t do this! Whatever you want me to change, I will do. Think about the kids!”
The Khayalis came to me for marriage counseling pretty consistently for close to two years, and, unfortunately, there were many issues. In the eyes of the community, they appeared perfect for each other: the idyllic couple that so many envied. Yet behind the Instagram pictures and cute kids, they were a couple who had long lost their flame. Intimacy had whittled down to a quarterly chore of merely fulfilling obligations, and if forced to be honest, they no longer even liked each other.
Allana is an intelligent, strong-minded woman who grew tired of Fulan’s easygoing, nonchalant disposition. Unfortunately, she grew cold and distant because she never learned to communicate, and his demeanor made her feel unsafe and anxious in the relationship. Fulan, on the other hand, grew up with only brothers and very few female cousins, so he never understood where Allana’s consistent complaints came from. All he wanted was to make her happy, but he never figured out how.
After their youngest daughter was born, Allana had postpartum depression and sought to control every aspect of the marriage. Fulan, in turn, felt suffocated, emasculated, and emotionally checked out of the relationship. I wasn't surprised when he finally decided to divorce his wife and was callously resolute.
This paper continues the earlier discussion, Divorce and Its Roots: Understanding the Three Core Causes. While it’s essential to understand why a marriage dissolves, it’s equally important to focus on life afterward. Life doesn’t stop—or start—after divorce. Many people seek guidance on what comes next, and this post aims to address those questions, InshaAllah (God-willing).
Post-Divorce Reflection: What Went Wrong and Where
No one enters a marriage intending to divorce, and even under the best of circumstances, divorce is an emotionally taxing life event. In what seems like an instant, the Khayalis’ lives were turned upside down, and their expectations shattered. Nevertheless, here they are.
Allah tells us in the Quran, “Perhaps you dislike something which is good for you and like something which is bad for you. Allah knows and you do not know.”2 With this tremendous challenge (like all tremendous challenges), there is an opportunity for growth—but capitalizing on it requires a shift in focus. Instead of looking outward (e.g., dwelling on the hurt caused by an ex-spouse) and fueling the fire of emotions over something beyond our control, we must turn inward. We must engage in muhasaba (self-reckoning) and ask ourselves: What did I contribute to the relationship ending as it did?
This is a difficult process that demands both humility and strength. None of us are perfect, and problems do not occur in a vacuum. However, perpetually ruminating on pain and anger will leave us stagnant, preventing us from learning from our experiences. Worse, if we avoid self-reflection, we risk finding ourselves in the same situation with someone else—even if we were not the party that initiated the divorce.
The What
Marriages consist of two primary parties—the husband and the wife—and both contribute to the challenges that arise. Beneath the emotional corrosion that led to the Khayalis’ divorce lay two fundamental issues: a lack of mutual respect and poor communication. Neither Fulan nor Allana truly understood or respected one another. They failed to recognize the deeper emotional needs behind their frustrations and were unable to show up for each other in meaningful ways. Furthermore, their inability to communicate their confusion and dissatisfaction effectively prevented deeper understanding and resolution.
Now that their divorce has been pronounced and the ‘idda (waiting period) has begun, I advise both parties to engage in personal muhasaba to diagnose what went wrong and what they could have done differently to prevent their relationship from ending as it did. This reflection is not meant to induce guilt—because we cannot change the past—but rather to facilitate learning and growth from their mistakes.
The Where and When
Understanding where the problems arose is equally crucial. For the Khayalis, the birth of their third child and the following pressures became a significant stressor in their relationship. Unfortunately, this is a common experience for many couples. While the birth of a child is an undeniable blessing from Allah, it can also act as a destabilizing force within a family—financially, socially, and emotionally. Alongside the additional financial burdens, the family’s mobility is often limited for the first three to six months, and untreated postpartum depression can last for years. Sometimes, couples are unable to recover from this disruption, falling into a dysfunctional rhythm where the children’s needs are prioritized to the detriment of their own relationship.
For the Khayalis, this phase was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. By reflecting on where and when these significant problems arose, even after divorce, they can learn what to avoid in the future. Perhaps if they had addressed these challenges more effectively, Fulan would not have felt so burnt out, and Allana would not have become so emotionally distant. While the past cannot be changed, they can take steps to ensure they do not repeat the same patterns in future relationships.
Reflecting on Your Ex’s Character and Values
After analyzing the what, where, and when of their marital challenges, the Khayalis are better positioned to take a broader approach to muhasaba. Beyond specific incidents or grievances, they must reflect on overarching values and the character traits that are most important to them. Were the challenges in their marriage simply a result of poor communication and a lack of respect, or was there something deeper at play?
The Khayali’s struggles did not seem to stem from conflicting values or incompatible personalities. In some ways, this makes their situation more tragic because it denies the clarity of a straightforward diagnosis. They began their marriage with shared values and compatible traits, but the real challenge lay in meeting each other’s evolving needs and expectations over time. This is no easy task and requires both partners' selfless sacrifice and consistent effort to cultivate mutual understanding.
If this underlying dynamic is not recognized, each ex-spouse may blame the other for the marriage’s failure. In reality, their relationship suffered not from a single catastrophic event but from the slow erosion of connection—a leaky faucet that dripped until the reservoir of love finally ran dry.
"All of you are shepherds and each of you is responsible for his flock. A man is the shepherd of the people of his house and he is responsible. A woman is the shepherd of the house of her husband and she is responsible. Each of you is a shepherd and each is responsible for his flock."3
–Prophet Muhammad ﷺ
Prioritize the Children
Divorces without children are often less complicated—each party can take their belongings and work through their heartbreak independently without further interaction. However, when children are involved, that is not the case. Regardless of the legal outcomes, parents may agree upon—whether through the courts or mutual arrangements—their children’s well-being must remain the top priority.4
It is safe to assume that the Khayalis harbor resentment toward each other; otherwise, they likely would not have divorced. Nevertheless, that frustration or disdain should never impact their children. As parents, children are an amanah (entrusted responsibility) from Allah, and we must protect and nurture them—physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. The relationship between parents is not the children’s fault, nor should it ever become their burden. Parents must learn to co-parent intentionally, upholding their children’s rights and fulfilling their trust with Allah.
Co-Parenting with Your Ex
Co-parenting demands maturity and intentionality that many parents may not have anticipated before divorce. Both custodial and noncustodial parents must acknowledge that, regardless of their personal feelings, their ex-spouse remains their child’s parent. Every action, comment, or decision involving the other parent—whether the child is directly aware of it—inevitably affects the child. Parents are not only providing care but also modeling behavior, teaching their children how to navigate relationships and perceive their other parent.
As children grow, a parent’s role in their lives evolves. Early in life, children depend on their parents for survival. As they mature and gain independence, the parent’s influence may shift in quantity but not importance. The emotional connection, advice, and love offered by parents continue to shape how children see the world and their place within it. If this relationship is damaged by trauma at any stage of a child’s development, the effects can reverberate far into the future. Acting out of spite toward the other parent can inflict unnecessary harm on the child, who often suffers the most in these situations.
Remaining Involved as a Non-Custodial Parent
Trauma and pain can lead us to cope in ways we might not have anticipated, and these coping mechanisms are not always healthy. For the noncustodial parent, the experience of limited access to one’s child can be deeply painful, compounded by the frustration of not being able to influence their upbringing as imagined. However, this pain does not absolve the noncustodial parent of their parental responsibilities.
The saying “If you have lemons, make lemonade”5 is an apt reminder for noncustodial parents: they must do their best within the scope of their circumstances. Factors such as the child’s age, financial constraints, and the custodial parent’s level of cooperation may limit involvement. For some noncustodial parents, staying involved might mean frequent pick-ups and drop-offs, weekly dinners, and bedtime stories. For others, it might mean annual visits or even less. Regardless of the frequency or format, the effort counts, and Allah will judge us based on our sincere attempts to fulfill our responsibilities.
Working to Not Repeat the Past
At a certain point, we will begin thinking about remarrying. It’s natural and a good thing. But, before doing so, we must ensure we do not fall into the same bad habits and traps that lead us to divorce. That starts with making sure you’ve healed from the first relationship.
“Healing” is a phrase that, in all honesty, I’m not too fond of. Unlike physical healing, where there are clear quantitative factors that determine when the process is complete, it is entirely qualitative and amorphous when discussing healing in an emotional sense. In relationships, healing is where you have learned from your previous relationship, and your remaining emotions will not negatively impede a new relationship.
That isn’t to say a divorce won’t impact us emotionally. In fact, it is almost expected that it will to some extent or another. But, when trying to move into another relationship, we should strive to at least understand where we are emotionally. Additionally, as with the post-divorce reflection, the bare minimum is that we can communicate our needs with someone else we’re interested in starting a relationship with.
I spoke extensively about the courting process in Halal Rizz, but post-divorce, we have to be even more vigilant. We must consider our needs in the present and build upon what we learned from our previous experiences and relationships.
Conclusion
Divorce, while painful and life-altering, does not mark the end of one’s journey. For Fulan and Allana, as for many others, it is an opportunity to reflect, recalibrate, and rebuild. The process of muhasaba allows them to gain valuable insights—not only about the breakdown of their marriage but also about themselves as individuals. It is a chance to take responsibility for their roles in the relationship’s challenges and grow in ways that prepare them for healthier dynamics.
Life after divorce will require patience, perseverance, and intentionality. It will demand that both parties learn to navigate new roles as co-parents while maintaining a commitment to their children's emotional and spiritual well-being. Through this effort, they can model resilience and compassion, even in the face of adversity, demonstrating to their children that while life does not always go as planned, it can still be meaningful and full of growth.
Divorce is a reminder of the impermanence of this world and the need to anchor ourselves in Allah’s guidance. As we encounter trials, we must strive to turn our hearts back to Him, seeking His mercy, wisdom, and aid. While Fulan and Allana’s chapter together may have closed, the book of their lives is still being written. With introspection and reliance on Allah, they can find healing, hope, and the courage to move forward. InshaAllah (God-willing), this new chapter can bring lessons that strengthen their faith and foster a deeper understanding of themselves and their purpose.
And, ultimately, with Allah is all success!
Fulan and Allana Khayali are fictitious characters. They are an amalgamation of the dozens of cases I have been blessed to work with over the years from around the world. “Fulan” and “Allan” are Arabic synonyms that translate to “so-and-so,” and “Khayali” means “imaginary.”
Quran 2:216.
“The Hanafi scholars never fail to ponder the nature of hadána [in the technical language of the fukakda, is the right to custody of the child]. Is it a "right" (hakk) of the custodian or a “right” of the child? They generally conclude by saying that although it is a “right” of the custodian (man or woman)—which explains how the latter may renounce it by refusing the burden— it is above all and first and foremost a “right” of the child, in whose interest all the conditions of aptitude for the function have been established. It is because the child's interest governs all the solutions of fikh in this matter that the woman custodian (for it is in respect of women that the exigencies of the law are most numerous) is required to be adult, sane, and capable of assuring the safe-keeping of the child.” See Y. Linant De Bellefonds, "Ḥaḍāna," Encyclopaedia of Islam, Second Edition, ed. P. Bearman, Th. Bianquis, C.E. Bosworth, E. van Donzel, W.P. Heinrichs. Vol. 2, 17.
If you’re interested in reading further about hadana, I strongly suggest reading Ustadha Dr. Janan Delgado’s dissertation thesis titled “The Ties that Bind, Child Custody in Andalusi Mālikism, 3rd/9th-6th-12th c.”
Carnegie, Dale. How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster, 1948. 138.
Very true...
“Life after divorce will require patience, perseverance, and intentionality”. Certainly!