Performing Love: Why Nice Guys Finish Last
Love without disciplined principles is just emotional indulgence dressed up as care.
This is adapted from a talk I gave at one of Tanwir Institute’s brothers-only Qiyams during Ramadan. Due to the gathering’s gender specificity, it’s more passionate and direct than usual.
We don’t know how to love. For us, nowadays, love is only appreciated through the highs—elated feelings of passion, joy, and bliss—and the lows make us doubt love’s purpose and efficacy. But that doesn’t make sense, especially with romantic love. We wouldn’t expect to even enjoy spending time with someone where the core essentials of the relationship (i.e., honesty, trust, and loyalty) were nonexistent. How can we seek the warmth of a loving relationship that protects us from the tumultuous weather of life without first ensuring the foundation is solid and the walls are insulated?
Our understanding of love is not only completely backward, it’s superficial and weak.
“Hard times create strong men, strong men create good times, good times create weak men, and weak men create hard times.”
–G. Michael Hopf1
Weak Men
The lion’s share of my work consists of pastoral care and counseling, predominantly with young adults. One of the most frequent problems that arise with men, especially good men, both single and married, is a profound sense of ignorance in navigating their role in relationships.
Part of the problem is economic: Our forefathers were strong men. They undertook tremendous sacrifice, leaving their homelands or socioeconomic circumstances so we can live in privilege. And, MashaAllah TabarikAllah, they succeeded. We live in Northern Virginia, and likely in one of America's wealthiest counties.2 We probably never have to think about our physical safety and most of our challenges are first-world problems—e.g., where, not how, we will vacation.
Although we still have economical challenges, we often lack the maturity, grit, and ambitions that enabled our fathers to triumph and bequeath us privilege. In essence, times are good times but we’re weak men.
But, to be fair, part of the challenge is also sociocultural: we are two generations post third-wave feminism. Our fathers, particularly those who grew up in the West, grew up in a culture that “sought to question, reclaim, and redefine the ideas, words, and media that have transmitted ideas about womanhood, gender, beauty, sexuality, femininity, and masculinity, among other things.”3 Although the focus was on women, women do not exist within a vacuum. Even if we reject notions of a gender binary, womanhood and masculinity are inextricably connected. To critique or advocate one impacts the other.
In Chivalry: The Ethical Standard for Masculinity I commented on this saying,
“The significant socioeconomic changes of the last century—the American ideal of a self-made man (that now seems like an impossible dream) coupled with women entering the workplace—have left the postmodern man untethered. He wanders through the abyss of a culture devoid of healthy masculine mythos, searching for identity. Chivalry is not dead, but the drivers of its virtue are frequently overshadowed by narcissism and fear of committing a cancelable offense. So now, in our morally bankrupt culture, reality TV stars and online content creators (caricaturing an exaggerated form of hyper-masculinity in pursuit of heroic masculinity) have started to fill the vacuum.”
“All of you are shepherds, and each of you is responsible for his flock. A man is the shepherd of the people of his house, and he is responsible. A woman is the shepherd of her husband's house and is responsible for it. Each of you is a shepherd, and each is responsible for his flock.”4
–Prophet Muhammad ﷺ
Responsibility
When Andrew Tate was asked if he loved, he responded, “I love a lot of people … I absolutely love. But, because I believe in myself so strongly, I feel like the way I love them is to have a degree of authority over them.”5
This is counterdistinctive to the Muhammadan paradigm.
When Prophet Muhammad ﷺ spoke about the authority Allah gave humanity (both men and women),6 he ﷺ used the metaphor of shepherding. He ﷺ shifted the perspective from centering power to responsibility. That responsibility is why, after immediately giving authority, Allah commanded King David to rule justly and unbiasedly by our individual desires.7
Tate's Pharaonic egotism is not only spiritually cancerous, but it’s also incredibly emotional. Because he used his self-image as the basis for his authority, it necessitates that when challenged, he must respond with either aggression or meekness. Instead, “Qiwam” (“humble servant leadership”), as Allah calls male authority in the Quran,8 is about consistently preserving and providing stability. That can only be achieved through being intentionally principled.
“Nice Guys” Perform Love
Leadership is challenging by itself, especially when presiding over people we love. So much of our decision-making can get clouded by our emotions—either striving to fulfill our needs, someone else’s needs, or both. The problem is that emotions are neither constant nor stable; they easily fluctuate due to many factors. Furthermore, emotions can be manipulated. Being principled ensures that leadership is just and based on something more significant than our emotions and desires. But that’s hard, and that's why “nice guys” finish last.
When I say “nice guys,” I genuinely mean it. I’m talking about men who care about others and want to make them happy. To them, striving to bring others happiness is how one shows love. And they’re not entirely wrong either. But “nice guys” aren’t actually leading; they’re just appeasing.
When the goal is being nice or merely making others happy, everything else becomes secondary. That goal isn’t principled and, therefore, isn’t consistent or stable. Subsequently, it sows seeds of insecurity and anxiety in those who are supposed to be led because they don’t have any principles to depend on. To appease someone or something necessitates that, at any moment, things could change.
I see it all the time in counseling: couples come to me at a range of places in their marriages but, ultimately, at the same conclusion—resentment. The husband is typically a “nice guy”— always kind and sweet, at no point in their marriage has he done anything aggressive—and desperate for his wife’s affection. Despite not being able to pinpoint anything specific he did wrong, she has grown cold and clinical; in some cases, she has fallen completely out of love with him. On the other hand, the husband loves and adores his wife and is absolutely baffled as to why she’s grown so cold and distant. He has exhausted himself to make her happy, so what could have earned him her disdain?
I will never forget this one couple: married for five years at the time and with all the normal challenges that commonly arise around that milestone. Toward the end of our conversation, I told the husband (in front of his wife), “Your problem is you don’t tell her ‘no.’ You’re too nice. And I bet your wife would actually appreciate hearing it from you from time to time.” To his disbelief, the wife responded before he could, “Yes! You’re right.”
Somewhere in life, “nice guys” only learned the beautiful part of love—the jamál. The part where, in effort to care for others, making them feel loved and supported. That part is extremely important, but it is only half of what love is and, without the other, it isn’t actually love; rather, it is the performance of love. The jamál must be supported with jalál (majesty), and the two balance each other out. Without the balance we’re only performing love—all the beautiful veneer with none of the backing.
Sometimes to understand things we must use hyperbolic examples, so a common (and previously referenced) metaphor I like to use in explaining the balance of jamál and jalál in love is of a parent and a child.
If an infant is about to stick a metal fork into an electrical socket, no parent would softly request them to stop and them sing love poems about its danger. Most parents would probably raise their voices, maybe even pop the child’s hand, to teach its severity. While all of it is done in the name of love, it is undoubtedly not gentle and will likely scare the child.
Again, this hyperbolic and extreme example is in no way meant to patronize women or indicate that the relationship between a husband and wife is akin to a parent and a child. But, with a paternal relationship it is easily conceivable that sometimes parents must ignore the beautiful affectionate feel-good part of love, in this case the child’s emotions, for the greater good or to achieve the goal they’re striving for. Furthermore, if a parent didn’t do that—if they were so gentle that they didn’t (or couldn’t) stop their child from putting a metal fork into an electrical socket and electrocuting themselves—we would say they weren’t good parents, no matter how much the parents exclaimed their love for their kids.
The challenge is that no one intends to perform love and, even worse, it’s something that only becomes apparent through experience. For some, they intuitively recognize it from healthy male role models in their life or sociocultural experience, but for others they learn it from trauma or neglect. Nevertheless, we must strive to do better. To be better.
“The lawful is clear and the unlawful is clear, and between the two of them are doubtful matters about which many people do not know. Thus, he who avoids doubtful matters clears himself in regard to his religion and his honor …”9
–Prophet Muhammad ﷺ
Finding Principles
The basic core duty of men is to protect, provide, and preside, but too often, we get caught up in the material aspect of things. Worse, we think that fulfilling it somehow garners respect, which is probably why the rich, muscular guy (e.g., Jeff Bezos) is deemed the paragon of masculinity. It’s superficial and couldn’t be further from the truth. Furthermore, I have surveyed hundreds of women, and almost unanimously, they said they would pick a man with ambition over someone who has money and isn’t. These women agreed that they want stability and safety, which can only be achieved through being principled.
Principles are the guiding values or ethics upon which we base our decisions and actions. They are rooted in the best logic at our disposal, not our emotions, and generally applicable justly to everyone everywhere, including ourselves. Sh. Yasir Fahmy once said, “[Qiwama] is a takleef (duty), not a tashreef (honor).”
This is where we get things confused. Just because we were born with male genitalia doesn’t endow us with others’ respect. “Respect is commanded, not demanded” (another Sh. Yasir idiom). In fact, in times of general safety, our ability to physically protect decreases in psychological priority. As privileged men, are we capable of being principled? Can we provide our families with stability from dependability? Can we consistently use our words and tone as a scalpel and not a hammer—intentionally picking what and how we say to yield the best results and, more difficult, apologizing (and learning from) when we make mistakes?
“The strong is not the one who overcomes the people by his strength, but the strong is the one who controls himself while in anger.”10
–Prophet Muhammad ﷺ
Conclusion
Finding principles and standing behind them is not an easy or overnight process. It takes time and, for some of us, requires charting unknown emotional territories. For me, that started in 2013 when my wife was pregnant with our firstborn and craving pizza. Not just any pizza, but Pizza Hut’s pizza. The dilemma I faced was that, in Makkah, Pizza Hut prices were astronomical, and I was a poor student. More importantly, I didn’t know what to do? Do I keep buying her these outrageously priced pizzas when there are cheaper alternatives, or do I “put my foot down” and tell her, “Too bad”? It wasn’t that I didn’t want to buy the pizzas on some ascetic principles or economic savviness; I simply couldn’t afford to sustain the cravings.
I will never forget one night, one of my older colleagues came by to drop something off, and after I whined to him a bit, he gave me phenomenal advice: “Do whatever you can for your wife. But, whatever you can’t, you can’t.”
He was teaching that real love is not about being nice—it is about being principled. Too often, we avoid conflict to seem kind, which leaves our relationships unstable. Many of us have learned to be “nice guys,” hoping it will earn us love and peace. But the truth is, nice guys finish last, not because they are kind but because they lack clarity and conviction. We end up performing love rather than living it—shaped more by fear of disappointing others than by firm values that guide us. True strength, as we have been taught by the Prophet ﷺ, lies not in force but in restraint, clarity, and emotional consistency. Our families need us to lead with jamāl and jalāl, offering care rooted in responsibility, not ego.
Qiwama is not a privilege—it is a trust. And that trust demands we live from principle, not emotion. We must do the hard, personal work of defining those principles. They will not look the same for every man—our temperaments, life experiences, and circumstances differ—but they must be real, consistent, and rooted in something greater than our passing feelings. If we want to be respected, we must be grounded and clear, not just well-intentioned. Because without principles, we are not truly loving—we are only performing love, and performance always collapses when tested.
Ultimately, with Allah is all success! May Allah make us strong men of intention, discipline, and true love. Ameen!
Hopf, G. Michael. Those Who Remain. Penguin Random House, 2012. 69.
According to the 2020 Census estimates, four of the top seven are all in Northern Virginia. See Wikipedia contributors, "List of highest-income counties in the United States," Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=List_of_highest-income_counties_in_the_United_States&oldid=1274788077 (accessed March 31, 2025).
Brunell, L., Burkett, E. "feminism." Encyclopedia Britannica, March 17, 2025. https://www.britannica.com/topic/feminism.
Tate, Andrew. “Andrew Tate Talks About Love.” YouTube video, 1:23. Posted October 15, 2023. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4bS93zoB7A.
Quran 2:30.
Quran 38:26.
Quran 4:34.
This was a really thoughtful piece and I appreciate the care (and the tough love) that went into it.
No woman wants to marry a guy with no backbone or values because it’s true that will erode the respect she has for him. I would bet there is a similar dynamic, though, among men towards women who can be honest and hold them accountable too, out of love, not as a power play. It seems like there’s this same idea of being principled as well as loving, just that maybe the way this looks will differ between genders. Ego fragility is a big hindrance for us all in accepting constructive criticism.
I would just add that men also need to be careful of taking on too much of that strong protector role…certainly don’t abandon it! But it can become ossified. A generation ago, so many men would keel over with a heart attack, sometimes at relatively young ages, because they didn’t prioritise their physical or emotional health, which definitely doesn’t do much to protect a family. Now we have better healthcare but this is still one of the biggest causes of premature death, especially for men in first world conditions.
Thankyou for the work you’re doing among young men. They really need mentors who know what they’re going through.
Mashallah. A great piece Mawlana..
I've always thought that marriage should be based on 'love' and that this is the paramount aspect of it, but then as I grew older and reflected on my parents' marriage which lasted over 40 years, from the moment they met on their wedding day, I genuinely thought: no, respect and responsibility come first.
JZK for shedding the light on this beautifully.