This was a really thoughtful piece and I appreciate the care (and the tough love) that went into it.
No woman wants to marry a guy with no backbone or values because it’s true that will erode the respect she has for him. I would bet there is a similar dynamic, though, among men towards women who can be honest and hold them accountable too, out of love, not as a power play. It seems like there’s this same idea of being principled as well as loving, just that maybe the way this looks will differ between genders. Ego fragility is a big hindrance for us all in accepting constructive criticism.
I would just add that men also need to be careful of taking on too much of that strong protector role…certainly don’t abandon it! But it can become ossified. A generation ago, so many men would keel over with a heart attack, sometimes at relatively young ages, because they didn’t prioritise their physical or emotional health, which definitely doesn’t do much to protect a family. Now we have better healthcare but this is still one of the biggest causes of premature death, especially for men in first world conditions.
Thankyou for the work you’re doing among young men. They really need mentors who know what they’re going through.
I've always thought that marriage should be based on 'love' and that this is the paramount aspect of it, but then as I grew older and reflected on my parents' marriage which lasted over 40 years, from the moment they met on their wedding day, I genuinely thought: no, respect and responsibility come first.
As a young woman I took away so much from this piece. After all, even though I’m not a man, as you quoted, I’m still a shepherd in my own ways. I’ve found such clarity in your reminders regarding the line between responsible love and appeasement. As someone with a degree of responsibility over the well being of some loved ones, I often fall into a guilt trap over whether or not I should ease up on my principles for the sake of just pleasing said loved ones. Remembering that success lies in balanced principle based—not purely emotional—intentions is such a grounding place from which to operate. JazakAllah khayr!
This is the real talk us young (and older) men need. I was grinning when you shared the words jamal and jalal. I love them! I think someone else here may have mentioned them before too.
Reflecting on myself, I can see my lack of jalal at times in past experiences. Your pizza example was exellent, and that advice of "do what you can, and what you can't, you can't" is golden.
I also appreciate the impassioned language of this piece. It keeps it clean but the message clear.
Jazakumullahukhair for the work you do. I genuinely believe your writing isn't getting enough attention. So thank you for still putting out high quality work despite the crickets and lack of eyeballs on it. Barakallahufeekum.
This was a really thoughtful piece and I appreciate the care (and the tough love) that went into it.
No woman wants to marry a guy with no backbone or values because it’s true that will erode the respect she has for him. I would bet there is a similar dynamic, though, among men towards women who can be honest and hold them accountable too, out of love, not as a power play. It seems like there’s this same idea of being principled as well as loving, just that maybe the way this looks will differ between genders. Ego fragility is a big hindrance for us all in accepting constructive criticism.
I would just add that men also need to be careful of taking on too much of that strong protector role…certainly don’t abandon it! But it can become ossified. A generation ago, so many men would keel over with a heart attack, sometimes at relatively young ages, because they didn’t prioritise their physical or emotional health, which definitely doesn’t do much to protect a family. Now we have better healthcare but this is still one of the biggest causes of premature death, especially for men in first world conditions.
Thankyou for the work you’re doing among young men. They really need mentors who know what they’re going through.
You’re absolutely right. Some researchers have called it, especially in Black communities, John Henryism.
A lot of times we don’t have other options though. Allah make it easy for us all.
Ameen!
Mashallah. A great piece Mawlana..
I've always thought that marriage should be based on 'love' and that this is the paramount aspect of it, but then as I grew older and reflected on my parents' marriage which lasted over 40 years, from the moment they met on their wedding day, I genuinely thought: no, respect and responsibility come first.
JZK for shedding the light on this beautifully.
I love this (pun somewhat intended haha)! It makes perfect sense that respect and resposnibility will nurture love over time.
As a young woman I took away so much from this piece. After all, even though I’m not a man, as you quoted, I’m still a shepherd in my own ways. I’ve found such clarity in your reminders regarding the line between responsible love and appeasement. As someone with a degree of responsibility over the well being of some loved ones, I often fall into a guilt trap over whether or not I should ease up on my principles for the sake of just pleasing said loved ones. Remembering that success lies in balanced principle based—not purely emotional—intentions is such a grounding place from which to operate. JazakAllah khayr!
This is the real talk us young (and older) men need. I was grinning when you shared the words jamal and jalal. I love them! I think someone else here may have mentioned them before too.
Reflecting on myself, I can see my lack of jalal at times in past experiences. Your pizza example was exellent, and that advice of "do what you can, and what you can't, you can't" is golden.
I also appreciate the impassioned language of this piece. It keeps it clean but the message clear.
Jazakumullahukhair for the work you do. I genuinely believe your writing isn't getting enough attention. So thank you for still putting out high quality work despite the crickets and lack of eyeballs on it. Barakallahufeekum.