Identifying a Mentor: A Guiding Framework
Discover how a good mentor—grounded in knowledge, experience, and is accessible—can help you grow and navigate life’s hurdles.
Good mentors, in my opinion, are the shortest and most fruitful way to self-improvement known to man. It’s Biblical!—"Iron sharpens iron, and one person sharpens the wits of another. Anyone who tends a fig tree will eat its fruit, and anyone who takes care of a master will be honored.”1 Whenever anyone asks, “What is the number one piece of advice you would give your younger self?” my answer is always unequivocally, “Get mentors!” So, when my good friend Isma’il Uddin, Bently University’s Muslim Life Program Coordinator, asked me to write specifically on choosing mentors, I felt obliged.
Despite addressing the etiquette of mentorship in a previous paper, what to look for in a mentor was not addressed, and that is equally, if not more, important. Mentors are people we entrust to provide counsel or advice about a given topic;2 therefore, we must be extremely careful they are worthy of this trust. We must be cautious to whom we give that position in our hearts. A primary criterion we can use to identify suitable mentors is to ensure (to the best of our ability) that they are pious, knowledgeable, have experience, and are available for you.
1. Knowledge
If extended to the furthest logical conclusion (regardless of the domain), our mentors help guide us to Allah. Everything in our lives as Muslims, ideally, is just a means to aid us in our self-improvement and spiritual development. That is a lofty responsibility; thus, before assessing a potential mentor’s knowledge, we must ensure they are pious.
a. Piety and Good Manners
A true mentor does not just possess knowledge—they embody it in their actions and character. Their piety is reflected in how they live according to the principles of the faith, striving to please Allah in all they do. Likewise, their good manners shine through in their humility, patience, and respect. A mentor with good akhlaq (character) is loving in correction and sincere in their care for your well-being, seeking an ultimate goal of the mentee surpasses them. Their conduct becomes a living example of how knowledge and piety are meant to be lived, guiding you through their words and actions, inspiring you to follow spiritually and morally in their footsteps. As IbnQuddama (d. 620 /1223) said, “It is not knowledge or piety that calm someone down once angry, it is good character.”3
While we may consult someone knowledgeable about a particular subject who lacks these qualities, a mentor is a far more intimate relationship. Piety and good character, which go hand-in-glove together, should be present in anyone we take as a mentor, whether religious or secular. By the nature of the relationship, we will spend extensive time with our mentors and, as Imam Malik’s mother would tell him before embarking on his journey to seek knowledge, we must “ learn from [our teachers] manners before [their] knowledge.”4
b. Knowledge of the Shariah
Trust is the foundation of the mentor-mentee relationship, so for those looking for spiritual or religious mentorship, finding someone with extensive contextualized knowledge of Shariah (Islamic law) is essential. This knowledge ensures that the advice you receive is aligned with and rooted in Islamic principles. Whether about daily life matters or complex spiritual questions, a knowledgeable mentor well-versed in Islamic scholarship and cultural tradition illuminates the path. Otherwise, “You cannot give what you do not have.”
“Indeed, this knowledge is faith, so carefully consider who you take your faith from.”
–Muhammad ibn Sirin (d. 110/729)5
2. Experience
Theoretical technical knowledge is important, but its application experientially is vital. A mentor who has gone through a mentorship process can bring the Shariah into context. This is akin to any technical specialty, be it law or medicine. It is one thing to pass the bar or board exams but another to have clinical in-person training.
a. Tarbiya with a Sanad
Once, I was told of some discrepancies in one of my teacher’s sanad, specifically that he did not have the authority I was under the understanding he had. So, when he came to town, and most people had left the gathering, I asked him plainly and directly, “Shaykh, I was told you do not have authority from your teacher. Is that true?” He smiled and said, “No, it is not.” So I responded, “Please excuse my poor manners and bluntness, but could you show me something so that I do not have any doubt when I meet these people in the future?” He said, “I will do you one better;” he searched for a PDF of his ijaza (license) on his phone, AirDropped it to me, and then graciously sat with me to ensure I understood what I was reading.
While I do not encourage repeating my brashness, sanad (a chain of transmission linking them to past scholars) is essential in the Islamic tradition. It ensures they are part of a living tradition, passing down timeless wisdom that has been tried and tested across generations. A mentor who has received tarbiya (spiritual and moral development) through a sanad brings with them deep-rooted training and reliability.
Before choosing a potential mentor, ask about their spiritual heritage and where they received their training. Furthermore, ask about the nature and extent of their training and those who can attest to it. One’s sanad should not be a matter of pride but merely a matter of fact that none should have apprehension about sharing. This is important because it informs what and how they learned and also provides a level of accountability. You would be surprised how many exaggerated bios and religious resumes are posted on fliers and personalized websites. Through one’s sanad, you and the mentor have an accessible body of people to refer to, particularly if there are challenges or confusion.
b. Life Experience and Contextual Understanding
A mentor's life experience should ideally align with your own. Still, at the very least, they must be able to appreciate and empathize with the unique circumstances that shape your life—whether it’s how you grew up, your family dynamics, the socio-economic conditions you’ve navigated, your mental health diagnosis, etc. If they cannot, that is fine, but they probably are not your ideal mentor. For example, someone who grew up privileged in the suburbs might not fully understand the struggles of someone who was raised in an underprivileged inner-city environment. However, a mentor who listens, understands, and respects these differences will be better equipped to offer relevant and compassionate guidance.
Additionally, the mentor should have expertise in the specific area you’re seeking guidance on, whether professional, spiritual, or personal. Their advice should be grounded in knowledge and experience relevant to your situation. At the same time, they must have the humility to admit when they don’t know something. This was exemplified by the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ when he was asked about date farming—he acknowledged his lack of expertise and refrained from giving uninformed advice.6 A good mentor will do the same, guiding you to other resources when necessary and showing that true wisdom includes knowing the limits of one’s knowledge.
“Some women requested the Prophet ﷺ to fix a day for them as the men were taking all his time. On that he promised them one day for religious lessons and commandments.”
– Said Al-Khudri (d. 74/693)7
3. Accessible
Abdullah b. Umar (d. 73/610), famously known as “IbnUmar,” was from the younger Sahaba and was blessed to grow up in the presence of the Prophet ﷺ. According to Aisha (radiAllahu ‘anha—Allah be pleased with her), there was no one more adherent to the ways of the Prophet.8 He (radiAllahu ‘anhu—Allah be pleased with him) used to trace the footsteps of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ going to every place he prayed. “The place where the Prophet ﷺ took rest under a tree once, was a place Ibn ‘Umar used to maintain later on, watering the tree so it would not dry up.”9
IbnUmar’s connection with the Prophet ﷺ transcended a mere typical teacher-student or mentor-mentee relationship; the Prophet ﷺ was not mentioned except he would cry.10 This only happens when the relationship with the teacher’s available for his student. The best mentors in the world cannot help you if they are inaccessible.
We all seek the very best mentor, but sometimes, in our zeal and pursuit of Ihsan (spiritual excellence), we associate best with popularity or social status. Your mentor does not have to be the most knowledgeable of the Shariah, or the most versed in your precise social reality, but they must be accessible to you. Often, for that very reason, the most popular Shaykh is the worst person to mentor you. That may require a bit of out-of-the-box thinking, too. One of my most influential mentors never had permanent residence in the same state as me for the first 10 years of our relationship; we lived on two different continents and in two different time zones. I had to over-communicate my circumstances and needs—predominantly via text as we communicated via Facebook Messenger and then WhatsApp—and then wait for his response. Although not ideal, it was what I had, and I am grateful for it.
Nevertheless, it is important to consider the following:
a. Clear Channel of Communication
Your mentor should provide a clear and consistent way to communicate. This doesn’t mean they have to be available 24/7. Still, a mutually understood structure should exist for when and how to seek their advice. Everyone will have different preferences—some through scheduled meetings, emails, phone calls, or chat messages—which should be respected. But, if the method of communication has been communicated and it does not work for you, you can either request another way or perhaps find a different mentor. A mentor who makes themselves available demonstrates that they prioritize and value the relationship, and you cannot force a mentorship.
b. Disposition That Gels with You
Once accepted to Umm al-Qura University everyone told me I just HAD to study with a particular shaykh (scholar). Having read some translations of his works, and my teachers at the time always referred to his knowledge and status in the scholarly community, I was excited. But when I learned the shaykh was known to never smile, I was immediately turned off. His disposition’s reputation is almost the polar opposite of mine, and in the near-decade that I lived in Makkah (with him coming almost yearly and me going to his city multiple times), I never once sat in his halaqa (lessons).
Not everyone clicks with everyone, and that is perfectly fine. For a mentor, their personality and disposition should resonate with yours. You should feel comfortable sharing your challenges, knowing that they will listen with empathy and understanding. You should also not feel threatened or unsafe with your mentor. Their job is to help you get to Allah, which is always done lovingly and mercifully.
That does not mean you will always be comfortable with your mentor either. Inevitably, there will come a time when you both have to have heavy heart-to-heart conversations. There will likely be times when they speak with you in a way that makes you feel guilty or perhaps even reconsider the current course of your life. That is fine, because true love is not always easy. For example, if an infant is about to stick a fork into an electrical socket, no parent would softly request them to stop and them sing love poems about its danger. Most parents would probably raise their voices, maybe even pop the child’s hand, to teach its severity. While all of it is done in the name of love, it is undoubtedly not gentle and will likely scare the child. And that is the point; electric sockets are dangerous and should not be played with. Mentorship is no different.
“It would not have pleased me if the Companions of the Prophet ﷺ did not differ. For if they had not differed, there would have been no leeway."
–Umar b. Abdul-Aziz (d. 101/720)11
Disagreements
Disagreements in life are inevitable, and with a mentor is no different. When you take on a mentor, you accept that they will sometimes challenge you or offer perspectives that differ from yours. However, it’s important to remember why you chose this person as a mentor in the first place—because of their knowledge, experience, and wisdom.
When you find their advice does not seem to apply to your situation, do not walk away or dismiss it outright. Instead, engage with them by asking clarifying questions. Often, miscommunication or missing details can lead to perceived disagreements. Provide more context if necessary, and allow them to re-evaluate their guidance based on this new information.
If their position has not changed after this process, reflect on their insight. They may see something that you have not yet grasped. Trust is key here. By taking their advice, the worst that might happen is that you experience some discomfort or potential loss—but even that can be a learning experience. On the other hand, rejecting their wisdom outright might mean missing out on valuable growth.
This is a moment for introspection. You chose this mentor and spent time nurturing this relationship. Trust that your mentor’s wisdom, developed over years of study and experience, will serve your best interests. Trust that even in moments of disagreement, they have your well-being at heart and mind. And trust that by following their advice, you’re opening yourself up to growth that might not have been visible to you before. If you cannot, and there has been no neglect or abuse from the mentor, perhaps the problem is with you (i.e., arrogance), and it may be time to start looking for another mentor.
“He is not one of us who does not have mercy on our young and does not respect our elders.”
–Prophet Muhammad12
Reality Check
To the uninitiated, mentorship may sound fun and a good time. Despite my fervent belief in it, I want to level-set with you before you sign up.
Mentorship is a serious commitment that requires tremendous investment from both parties, the mentor and the mentee. Typically, before any growth happens, especially for the young and new, the mentee spends the early part of their relationship unlearning much of their preconceptions so they can be rebuilt anew. It necessitates figuratively emptying themselves of their inhibitions (i.e., bad adab (characteristic), ego, and meta ignorance) to receive whatever the mentor offers. This process cannot progress without humility and muhasaba (introspective self-evaluation) and is often emotionally painful. Because of profound vulnerability, there must first be trust in (and respect for) the mentor.
On the other hand, the mentor must be gracious and forbearing. It is easy for us to forget how we once were—young, zealous, and ignorant. Ironically, we may even find it frustrating when faced with younger versions of ourselves. A mentor’s job is to serve the mentee, intending nothing more than their growth and well-being, with the goal of the mentee someday being better than themselves. Therefore, mentors must remember that Rome was not built in a day and, regardless of where we think we have arrived, we are far from perfect. As we still have deficiencies and our mentors and elders were patient with us, we must embody that ethic for those we serve. Furthermore, an additional challenge for mentors is to recognize the unique needs of mentees today. The specific tarbiya we received will not work on today’s youth, just as our mentor’s tarbiya would not have worked on us.
Conclusion
Mentorship is a relationship built on mutual respect, wisdom, and trust. As we seek guidance, remember that we are like “dwarfs perched on the shoulders of giants.”13 This imagery reminds us that the clarity we gain is not due to our own height or insight, but because of the stature of those who lift us. The wisdom of a mentor allows us to see farther, drawing on their years of experience and knowledge.
By choosing a mentor based on the qualities of knowledge, experience, and availability, you place yourself in the position to gain invaluable insights that may not be accessible otherwise. Their wisdom, forged through trials and learning, becomes your platform to grow. Trust that even in moments of disagreement, your mentor has your best interests at heart. By standing on their shoulders, you not only benefit from their perspective but contribute to a legacy of growth, adding your own modest efforts to their great work.
Allah bless and protect our mentors, teachers, and big brothers for their years of patient and gracious service despite our annoying arrogance and compounded ignorance. Without them, we would be utterly lost. Ultimately, with Allah is all success! Ameen!
Proverbs 27: 17-18.
Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, s.v. “mentor,” accessed July 19, 2024, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/mentor.
IbnQudama Al-Maqdisi, Ahmad b. Abdul-Rahman. Mukhtasr Minhaj Al-Qasidin. Damascus, Syria: Maktabah Dar Al-Bayan, 1978. 129.
Al-Dhahabi, Shamsudin b. Ahmed. Siyar A'lam al-Nubala'. Beirut, Lebanon: Al-Risalah Publishing House, 1996. Vol. 3, 211.
Ibid., 213.
Ibdi., 214.
Ibn ʿAbd al-Barr. Jāmiʿ Bayān al-ʿIlm wa Faḍlihi. Beirut: Dar al-Fikr. Vol. 2, 80.
John of Salisbury. The Metalogicon of John of Salisbury: A Twelfth-Century Defense of the Verbal and Logical Arts of the Trivium. Translated by Daniel D. McGarry. Berkeley: University of California Press, 1955, 167.
Very well penned, jazakumullahukhair.
I've never really seeked out a mentor, though I've been blessed with one who I've been with since I was 9 years old. He is like a second father to me.
But I have a question, if we are seeking mentors in professional settings or anything where non-muslims might be your best option, how does "piety" come into play?
Do you just base your decision from the akhlaaq they show from your interactions or what people say about them?
I liked it as well, I think I have found a mentor and I am starting to meet with them. Its good to know others out there seek this.