From the Etiquettes of Mentorship

The goal of this paper is to reflect upon a twelfth-century poem to glean what adab (decorum) we should have with our teachers and mentors.

In the summer of 2010, although I did not realize it at the time, I found myself in a quarter-life crisis. I was studying in Makkah, Saudi Arabia, and watching my high school classmates and friends prepare to graduate college. My trajectory was different. Umm al-Qura University mandated a two-year intensive Arabic program before we could start in our respective bachelors programs, and even that I was not following the projected course. I knew that I would never be able to graduate anytime soon. So, at 21 years old, I tried numbing the pain; I bought my first motorcycle, spent all night playing video games at a friend’s, and attended spoken word events around town. 

When I returned back to Makkah for school in the fall, I had an epiphany: numbness and anger do not benefit anyone, least of all me, but I can use these emotions as a growth opportunity. It sent me down a path of self-exploration to the realization that I was naively arrogant. I did not think to seek advice or consultation for any of my major life decisions. This emotional tension, the inseucrity and insecurity I felt about my social standing, was gift and realization that I desperately needed mentors.

Mentorship has been the most impactful thing in my life since. After my mother, I owe everything I have and am to these men. who dealt with my arrogance and stupidity because of nothing other than altruism. Unfortunately, I wasted, without exaggeration, years of my time with them because I did not know how to benefit from them. In reality, “Matters are to be considered in light of their objectives,” as is the maxim in Usool Al-Fiqh (the Principles of Islamic Jurisprudence). The goal of this paper is to reflect upon a twelfth-century poem to glean what adab (decorum) we should have with our teachers and mentors.

Identifying Mentors

“Mentor,” “teacher,” and “big brother” are three different words I use that, in my head, all have subtle differences but practically serve the same function. 

• Mentor: 

  • Someone with more knowledge and experience, ideally with good character, that nurtures someone else. 

  • They should not be looking for mentees and may even make the process difficult to scare you away. 

  • They absolutely should not be self-serving. Receiving and taking khidma (service) is very different from asking for it.

• Big Brother: 

  • A graduated form of mentorship where the relationship has grown to where they are like family. 

  • It comes after much time and through many challenges together. 

• Teachers: 

  • Scholars or people whom we have studied with. 

  • Must have knowledge and piety.

  • Some teachers are mentors, and some mentors are teachers, but they are mutually exclusive. Nevertheless, ideally, their dispositions are agreeable to the mentee, which makes the process more welcoming.

The mentor-mentee relationship is not a ritualistic process, nor does it have a specific form, perhaps as it may be in the professional world. There does not have to be a formal agreement or anointment, and from my experience there often is not. First, we must identify someone we would like to benefit from and understand the value of that divine gift.

"The similitude of good company and that of bad company is that of the owner of musk and of the one blowing the bellows. The owner of musk would either offer you some free of charge, or you would buy it from him, or you smell its pleasant fragrance; and as for the one who blows the bellows (i.e., the blacksmith), he either burns your clothes or you smell a repugnant smell".

–Prophet Muhammad ﷺ¹

The Gift of Mentors

“Ma Ladhatul ‘Aysh—The Sweetness of Life” is a poem written by AbuMadyan Shuʿayb ibn al-Husayn al-Ansari (d. 594/1198). He was an Andalusian scholar of the outward and inward sciences who “was called by later biographers the ‘Shaykh of Shaykhs, Imam of the Ascetics and the Pious, Lord of the Gnostics, and Exemplar of the Seekers’ and who remains known to posterity as ‘AbuMadyan the Nurturer (Al-Ghawth).”² He starts off his poem with the following stanza

ما لذَّةُ العيشِ إلّا صحبةُ الفقرا

هم السلاطينُ والساداتُ والأمرا

1. The sweetness of life is only tasted in the companionship of the fuqara’

They are the sultans, the lords, and the rulers.

هُم بالتَّفضُّلِ أَولى وهو شِيمتهُم

فلا تخَف دَرَكاً مِنهُم ولا ضَرَرا

9. They are truly people of generosity, and it is their nature

So do not fear from them harm or punishment

قومٌ كرامُ السَّجايا حيثُما جَلسُوا

يبقَى المكانُ على آثارِهِم عَطِرَا

18. They are a folk noble in character, wherever they sit

That place remains fragrant from their traces

When AbuMadyan says the “companionship of the fuqara” (destitute), he’s referring to the Awliya (saintly people)  “who have no other interests or direction but Him … ‘They are Sultans” of the people of truth, ‘lords’ of the people of the path (to Allah), and ‘rulers’ of the people of intellect.”³ Good wholesome companionship, especially of the righteous, is incredibly important as the Prophet ﷺ said, “A man follows the religion of his friend; so each one should consider whom he makes his friend.”⁴ This is what we seek from our mentors, that through their companionship some of their fragrance rubs off onto us.

Throughout history, there have been a multitude of posts and occupations, each requiring some sort of mentor/apprenticeship to achieve mastery. In The Rise of Colleges, George Makdisi identifies over twenty unique religious posts and occupations in the scholastic community of eleventh-century Baghdad.⁵ Although the primary type of mentorship this paper focuses on is in the context tazkiyah al-nafs (self-purification), that does not take away from mentorship in other domains of our life. When Allah tells us in the Quran, “Pray, ‘My Lord! Increase me in knowledge’”⁶ and “Ask the people of knowledge if you do not know”⁷ He did not restrict knowledge to religious sciences. Furthermore, with a sincere intention, it becomes an opportunity for tazkiyah al-nafs and to please Allah.⁸ I believe we should seek out mentorship in everything important in our lives, especially in areas where we need help. 

فاصحَبهمُ وتأدَّب في مجالسِهم

وخلِّ حظَّك مهما قدَّموكَ ورَا

2. So keep their company and have etiquette in their gatherings

And cast away any desire for personal gain, even if they honour you

وقَدِّمِ الجِدَّ وانهَضْ عندَ خِدمَتِهِ

عساهُ يرضَى وحاذِر أنْ تَكُن ضَجِرَا

12. Display earnestness and be eager in his service

Perhaps he will be pleased (with you) and beware of being discontent

فَفِي رِضاهُ رِضَا الباري وطاعتِهِ

يرضَى عَليكَ فَكُن مِن تَركِهَا حَذِرَا

13. For in his pleasure and obedience is the pleasure of the Creator

He is content with you, so beware of leaving it.

Adab Maxim: Head down. Mouth shut. Just serve.

Mentors are the best and fastest way to learn adab. They distill their knowledge and practical experience and present it uniquely to us. An example of this is “Head down. Mouth shut. Just serve,” a maxim one of my mentors taught me. It applies to service generally, but specifically to the mentor-mentee relationship, taking multiple lines from AbuMadyan’s “The Sweetness of Life” (3–9) and condensing it into a pithy expression that is easy to remember while invoking profound meanings. 

Head Down

It is very common to gain access to people of class and status when in the company of the righteous. This access is not because of anything inherently in us, but a blessing of our teachers. Furthermore, sometimes others, or even the teachers themselves, will praise us. We must not forget our spiritual reality—who we are in the private physically and in our hearts—despite others’ reverence for us. “Head down” reminds us to be sincere—never deluded by what we witness, where we are, what is said about us, or what we can gain from other than the teacher. 

Additionally, “head down” reminds us to be humble and focus on ourselves, not others. This companionship, with teachers and righteous people, has no place for ego and arrogance. We have more than sufficient deficiencies, internally and externally, to fill all of our time focusing on ourselves. When we are serving our teachers, serving our teachers (and their mission) should be our primary intention, and the time and energy we spend scrutinizing other’s faults would be better spent on trying to improve ourselves. 

ولا تَرَ العَيبَ إلاَّ فيكَ مُعتَقِدًا

عيباً بدا بيِّنًا لكنَّه اسْتَتَرا

5. Do not witness deficiencies in other than yourself, and believe

Your deficiencies to be manifest, although they have been concealed

وحُطَّ رأسَكَ واستغفِر بِلا سببٍ

وقُم على قدمِ الإنصافِ مُعتَذِرَا

6. Lower your head and seek forgiveness without (apparent) cause

Be just in your judgment of yourself and seek pardon

Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said, "Every son of Adam sins, and the best of the sinners are the repentant."⁹ We will inevitably make mistakes in life and with our mentors. Just as we are benefitting from them, they too have previously (and continue to) benefit from mentors; so, they do not expect perfection from anyone. That said, our responsibility is to try our best. We must be careful not to harm anyone, including our peers on the path (which we will get to later). Frequently we get tunnel vision when in service to our teachers at the expense of those with us on the journey. “Head down” does not just mean we do not notice their faults, but also we are humble enough to apologize when offense is possibly caused. 

Mouth Shut

Time, especially with our teachers, is a finite commodity; everything (actions and words) is invaluable, and we should seek to benefit from them as much as possible. If our ultimate goal is earning Allah’s pleasure via self-purification,¹⁰ then this requires presence of heart and mind. IbnAtaillah said, 

One who is present with adab, is removed of their ego and beautifies themselves with lowliness and brokenness. So, stop thinking about yourself and be present between their hands and humbly waiting if they honor you with a request. That is where the sweetness of presence is found. So, use consistently remaining silent as an aid in that and you will find the illuminating excitement and overwhelming happiness.¹¹

و استَغنمِ الوقتَ واحضُر دائماً معهم

واعلم بأنّ الرّضى يختَصّ من حضرا

3. Profit from your time and be constantly in their presence

And know that (Divine) pleasure is solely for those present

ولازِمِ الصَّمتَ إلاّ إن ئ سُلتَ فقل

لا علمَ عندي، وكُن بالجَهلِ مُستَتِرَا

4. Be constantly silent unless you are questioned, in which case say:

“No knowledge have I,” and conceal yourself with ignorance

Our tongues are such small muscles, yet so powerful. To the point where the Prophet ﷺ said, "Whoever can guarantee (the chastity of) what is between his two jaw-bones and what is between his two legs (i.e., his tongue and his private parts), I guarantee Paradise for him."¹² This is also applicable to our relationship with mentors. Even if we know the correct answer, by choosing not to speak and “concealing ourselves with ignorance,” we open ourselves up to benefit from the mentor’s answer.¹³ On the contrary, speaking up could be a form of arrogance and pride.

“Mouth shut” also is a reminder to not show off, which we are far less likely to do while quiet. A mentor told me regarding one of our teachers, “[The Shaykh] is a doctor, and everyone around him is sick… but they play make-believe like they are healthy. So, in the end, many people do not get cured even though they are in close proximity to a Wali (saintly person). The person who can’t admit they are sick won’t get the medicine.” If we are showing off, and therefore arrogant, done intentionally or unintentionally (e.g., humblebragging), how will we achieve the very thing we claim to seek?

Just serve: 

    Paradoxical Nature

Benefitting from a mentor occurs at different levels. Most commonly, we suffice with a surface-level relationship—we (the mentees) seek occasional counseling for specific life circumstances, and the mentor serves our needs. This level is transactional, often not exceeding beyond the bounds of our questions. No relationship is built, and the mentee’s questioning can even become burdensome. But to truly benefit from our mentors, we must expand our imagination of what mentorship can be.

Mentorship requires trust and vulnerability, but it also requires time. As time increases, we shift from viewing the relationship as an acquaintanceship to being a companionship, thereby shifting the relationship from transactional to reciprocal. Imam Al-Qushayri (d. 465/1072) said, “Companionship with someone who stands above you [in rank]; this is but service (khidma).”¹⁴ 

In this paradox, we benefit from mentors not merely by asking questions but through serving them, which (1) shifts us from merely taking from them to doing something for them, (2) allows us to be with them for extended periods without being a burden to them and thereby “observe the Shaykh¹⁵ in all his states (perhaps a trace of his approval will be seen upon [us]),”¹⁶ and (3) is an opportunity to build a relationship with them. With true mentorship, we are not just buying perfume and leaving but hoping the mentor’s fragrance will remain with us.¹⁷

    Authentic

The Ummah of the Prophet ﷺ has never been uniform, and this traces all the way back to the time of the Sahaba (companions of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ). If approximately only 0.012% (one out of every one hundred) were scholars,¹⁸ where does that leave everyone else? Like the Sahaba, we all have our unique road to earning Allah’s pleasure—influenced by our interests, disposition, and individual relationships with our mentors and teachers. Our service to them, or in honor of their teachings, should be with adab but also authentic to us. Unfortunately, too often, our adab is performative.  

For the first time in history, we live in an ethnically heterogeneous society wherein the cultural influencers may drastically shift within one locale depending on what social-ethnic and religious community we are in. Because of this, especially if we are new to a community or striving to improve ourselves, it is far easier to be captured by groupthink. Things that, on their own, are beautiful customs become cultural arbitrators; consequently, we can find ourselves, with the best intentions, performing “adab”. If this is something we are sincerely striving to adopt (i.e., faking it until we make it), then wonderful, but it should not because simply because we see everyone doing it or, worse, because we think that is what is expected of us. 

Service is a tool to earn Allah’s pleasure and should be done with as much Ihsan (spiritual excellence) as possible. Nonetheless, the goal is Allah’s pleasure, so our actions should reflect our internal state and vice versa. I discussed this at length in a previous paper on presence.

وبالتَّفَتِّي على الإخوانِ جُد أبدا

حسا ومعنًى وغُضَّ الطَّرفَ إن عَثَرَا

10. In magnanimity towards the brothers, be forever limitless

In things material and spiritual, avert your gaze if one of them stumbles

Peers

When in community with others, it is easy to become frustrated and judgemental. All of our dispositions and experiences differ; not everyone will automatically become our friends. Some, in fact, might challenge us. But, we seek mentors not because we are complete, but because we have deficiencies we are looking to remedy, and so are our peers. They, too, are on a journey of tazkiyah al-nafs despite, perhaps, being on a different path or position on their journey. Therefore, our disposition—how we interact with them and hold them in our hearts—should reflect that. 

Prophet Muhammad ﷺ was the best of creation, free from sin, and he was always kind in his dealings with those around him. Allah comments on this in the Quran, saying, “It is out of Allah’s mercy that you ˹O Prophet˺ have been lenient with them. Had you been cruel or hard-hearted, they would have certainly abandoned you.”¹⁹ When we are with others, especially when trying to benefit from our mentors and teachers, our attention should be directed at the shaykh. Noticing our peers’ mistakes is just a distraction from noticing our own.

أُحِبُّهم وأُدارِيهِم وأُوثِرُهم

بِمُهجتِي وخصُوصاً منهمُ نفرَا

17. I love them, seek to please them and prefer them

Over my own self, specifically a group amongst them.

هُمْ أهلُ وُدِّي وأحبابي الذينَ همُ

مِمّن يجرُّ ذيولَ العِزِّ مُفتَخِرَا

20. They are the ones for whom I reserve my affection, my loved ones

Who proudly bear the honor with which they have been invested.

Love and Unhealthy Relationships

Healthy Relationships

The individualistic and consumeristic zeitgeist of society affects our perspective on relationships—we expect them to serve our needs, we expect them to be easy, and when challenges arise, we avoid looking introspectively by blaming others. This has rendered our relationships fragile, breaking off for the most fickle reasons and eroding our ability to self-determine relationship efficacy. It has also trickled down to mentor-mentee relationships. Perhaps even more than romantic relationships, mentor-mentee relationships are inherently challenging—after all, the goal is to grow—nevertheless, it should be entirely rooted in love for both the mentee and the mentor. 

Like romantic relationships, there will definitely be rough patches, one party may even contemplate a separation, but challenging relationships are very different than toxic ones. In a healthy mentor-mentee relationship, the mentor should always have the mentee’s interest at heart. Even with khidma, teachers may ask their students to do particular tasks (sometimes for the organization's or other students' sake)—some of my teachers would allow me to serve them (upon my request)—but they never expected or requested personal favors, as this is how the Prophet ﷺ taught his companions.²⁰ After many years of serving one of my teachers, where our relationship grew very informal at times, he would overcompensate me whenever I served him personally. Also, if I could not, it was never held against me. 

The Prophet ﷺ was the best example of a mentor, and it is highlighted by Anas b. Malik’s service of him ﷺ for ten years as a young boy. When speaking about how the Prophet treated him, Anas said, “He never said ‘Oof’ (a minor harsh word denoting impatience) and never blamed me by saying, ‘Why did you do so or why didn't you do so?’”21 Because Anas was so young and impressionable. The high stature of the Prophet ﷺ, he ﷺ ensured he broke Anas’ spirits. This is the way mentorship is. At times, our mentors may be critical of us—my wife always knows when I finish texting one of my mentors because of a particular defeated look I have on my face—but they will never do so unlovingly. When they give us tough love and criticism, sometimes even harsh and embarrassing, like a loving parent, they are only intended to deliver a message for our growth. 

Unhealthy Relationships

Because determining precisely when or how a mentor-mentee relationship becomes toxic is incredibly difficult, both mentor and mentee must determine their boundaries to ensure the relationship serves their needs. Outside of clear abuse or neglect, from socio-cultural nuances to the impact of individual experiences, so much falls into the grey. 

When I arrived in Boston to serve under Sh. Yasir Fahmy, it was my first time working so closely with a scholar. I was a naive and inexperienced Blackamerican Saudi graduate from Northern Virginia and Sh. Yasir is an Egyptian-American Azhari par excellence from Northern New Jersey. We could not have been from more different worlds; so much was difficult for me to grasp. Initially, I thought the relationship was unhealthy. But, through constant consultation with another mentor, I was shown my naivety to the world of khidma and tarbiya (the process of cultivating adab) and how to understand and eventually serve Sh. Yasir. 

I believe each experience is mutually exclusive, and both mentor and mentee have independent agency. When either finds the relationship unhealthily challenging, I suggest first seeking istikhara (consultation) from people who also have experienced tarbiya before. Getting over that hump after my first year with Sh. Yasir was not easy, but had I not sought outside consultation, I would have given up on one of my life's most impactful non-family relationships.

Conclusion

يُهدِي التَّصوُّفُ مِن أخلاقِهم طُرفًا

حُسنُ التَّآلُفِ منهُم رَاقنِي نَظَرا

19. Tasawwuf²¹ bestows (upon the seeker) a choice portion of their noble attributes

The intimacy which they display is a joy for me to behold

لا زالَ شَملِي بِهم في اللهِ مُجتمِعًا

وذنبُنا فيهِ مَغفورًا ومُغتَفَرا

21. (I ask) that I am constantly united with them for Allah’s sake

And that our transgressions (against Him) be forgiven and pardoned

ثمَّ الصَّلاةُ على المختارِ سيِّدِنا

محمَّدٍ خيرِ مَن أوفَى ومَن نَذَرَا

22. Then may blessings be bestowed upon the Chosen One, Our Master

Muhammad, the best of those who fulfill their vows.

Here are some other papers that touch on mentorship and coming of age:

• Ya Banati (Oh, My Daughters)!

  A love letter to my daughters—of wisdom gleaned from the amazing people I’m blessed to serve—on true beauty, priorities, marriage, mentorship, and death.

• Early Marriage?
  This paper aims to provide some advice for young people considering marriage and their families who are inescapably involved in the process.

• Husband Core Competencies
  The following paper is written intending to provide: (a) men, especially young men, with guiding principles and (b) women information to look for in a potential husband, InshaAllah.

1. Riyad as-Salihin 363.

2. Cornell, Vincent J. The Way of Abu Madyan. Cambridge, UK: Islamic Texts Society, 1996. 2. Also, for more about AbuMadyan’s life see ElMasree, Shadee. “NBF 64 - The Life of Abu Madyan”. Safina Society.  May 26, 2022.

3. IbnAtillah Al-Askandari, Ahmed. Unwan Al-Towfiq Fi Adab Al-Tariq. Aleppo, Syria: Dar Al-Ghazali, 2002. 28.

4. Sunan Abi Dawud 4833.

5. Makdisi, George. The Rise of Colleges: Institutions of Learning in Islam and the West. Edinburgh: Edinburgh University Press, 1984.

6. Quran 20:114.

7. Quran 16:43.

8. Intentions are the only thing that separates between worship and customary actions. For example, we wake up before sunrise and go through the motions wudu and prayer with the intention of washing and stretching, then it does not count as worship and we have yet to pray Fajr. Likewise, if we eat breakfast with the intention of having energy to worship Allah throughout the day, that meal becomes a form of worship. The Prophet ﷺ said, “The reward of deeds depends upon the intentions and every person will get the reward according to what he has intended.” See Sahih Bukhari 1.

9. Sunnan Al-Tirmidhi 2499.

10. Allah says in the Quran, “Successful indeed is the one who purifies their soul.” Quran 91:9.

11. IbnAtillah, Unwan Al-Towfiq, 30.

12. Sahih Bukhari 6474.

13. There is much more to learn than the content of the answer alone. For the truly present, what is not said and the way it was said are lessons in themselves.

14. Al-Qushayri, Abu ‘Al-Qasim. Al-Qushayri's Epistle on Sufism: Al-Risala Al Qushayriyya Fi 'ilm Al-Tasawwuf. Trans. Alexander D. Kynsh. Suhail Academy Lahore, Pakistan: Kazi Publications, 2011.

15. “Shaykh” in Arabic is literally an elder, but it also used to refer to a person of knowledge or social status (usually only achieved through seniority).

16. Line 11 from AbuMadyan’s poem.

17. Not only is this in reference to AbuMadyan’s original line “wherever they sit that place remains fragrant from their traces” but also the Hadith wherein Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said, “The example of a good companion (who sits with you) in comparison with a bad one, is like that of the musk seller and the blacksmith's bellows (or furnace); from the first you would either buy musk or enjoy its good smell while the bellows would either burn your clothes or your house, or you get a bad nasty smell thereof." See Sahih Bukhari 2101.

18. This percentage is taken from the 1372 narrators of Sahih Al-Bukhari divided by the 115,000 Sahaba reported by Al-Hakim (d. 405/1014) at Fath Makkah (the Conquest of Makkah, year 8AH). See Alam, Tanvir, and Jens Schneider. “Social Network Analysis of Hadith Narrators from Sahih Bukhari.” arXiv.org (2021): https://arxiv.org/pdf/2102.02009#:~:text=First%2C%20From%20Sahih%20Bukhari%2C%20we,)%2C%20we%20found%20multiple%20chains; Al-Sakhawi, Shamsudin Muhammad b. Abdul-Rahman. Fath Al-Mughith Bi Sharh Alfiya Al-Hadith. Riyad, KSA: Mektaba Dar Al-Minhaj, 1426AH. Vol. 4, 51. 

19. Quran 3:159.

20. During the time of AbuBakr’s khilafa (caliphite) dropped his reigns as he was riding. When he descended from his camel to retrieve them someone asked, “Why did you not ask us to hand it to you?” He responded, “My beloved messenger of Allah ﷺ told me to not ask people for things.” See Hanbal, Ahmed b. Muhammad. Musnad Imam Ahmed. Cairo, Egypt: Dar Al-Hadith, 1995. Vol. 1, 191. Via https://shamela.ws/book/98139/192.

21.  Tasowwuf is the name later scholars gave for the science of Tazkiya Al-Nafs.