Husband Core Competencies

The following paper is written intending to provide: (a) men, especially young men, with guiding principles and (b) women information to look for in a potential husband, InshaAllah.

Marriage is super important for Muslims. It makes intimacy lawful, establishes the social and religious bonds for procreation, and is the cornerstone of community. Brothers and sisters are eagerly trying to understand, not just how to be married in our unprecedented context, but what qualities make them marriage-worthy (for men) and what to look for (for sisters). With the incessant commentary on sex and gender that has consumed the zeitgeist, it is easy to assume that progressive values have permeated into the minds of the Muslim community. Although some, both men and women, skew more left, my experience of the community concerning family and gender roles has been overwhelmingly traditional. 

One of the most common questions I get as an Imam, from both brothers and sisters, is what to look for in a spouse. It is interesting, as our families have shrunk in size, our communities have atomized, and we spend less and less time with others, it is almost as if we no longer understand the roles of both husband and wife. I believe we as a community need to properly understand the role of each gender in a family, per the Usool Al-fiqh (The Principles of Islamic Law)¹ principle: al-hukm ‘ala shay far’ ‘an tasowirihi (passing judgment on something is dependent on having a proper conception thereof). The following paper is written a posteriori, surmised from nearly a decade of counseling and being a father of many daughters, Al-Humdulillah (hallelujah), intending to provide: (a) men, especially young men, with guiding principles and (b) women information to look for in a potential husband, InshaAllah (God willing).

Chemistry vs. Compatibility

In fiqh (Islamic law) marriage is referred to as ‘aqd al-nikah (the marriage contract). If we take a step back from thinking about marriage contracts and sublimate to business, there would be no disagreement that it is ill-advised for someone to proceed with any contract of significance without giving it immense thought and consultation; furthermore, it would be absurd for someone to engage purely based on a feeling. Marriage is no different. However, marriage is different in that the term length of the contract is much longer—with business we can expect immediate returns or short-sell, whereas marriage is intended to be for life—and, therefore, the impact is greater. How we prepare ourselves or seek potential spouses should be accordingly. 

Contrary to popular opinion, I believe chemistry is far less important than compatibility and we place entirely too much value on it. Chemistry is the connection, or “spark”, we feel with someone. Because it is essentially emotional, it is fickle, inevitably changing over time, and makes for a brittle starting position. It is important, but only a piece of the puzzle. The lion’s share of our focus should be on compatibility and the necessary shared values between both spouses. To find out the points of compatibility that are necessary for the spouses, we all need to first look internally to understand who we are and what our nonnegotiables are.

When establishing a new business endeavor, we first must perform a needs assessment. So many circumstances—the type of business, location and surrounding community, the CEO’s knowledge and ability to run the business effectively, etc.—directly affect the business’ potential viability. The more informed and prepared one is the better, and the same applies to marriage. Before we start the courting phase, we need to do the same. What are our strengths and weaknesses, and what resources do we have at our disposal? Then, we all have blind spots, so whose trusted opinion will we seek to inform us of ourselves (istishara)? All of this information should provide us with a basic understanding of what our nonnegotiables are and what circumstances will be most advantageous for a successful marriage.

Aaron Ben-Ze’ev said,

In the romantic realm, we can distinguish between profound and superficial phenomena by paying attention to romantic intensity, on the one hand, and romantic profundity, on the other. This is a distinction that is frequently overlooked. Romantic intensity is a snapshot of a momentary peak of passionate, often sexual, desire. Romantic profundity goes beyond mere romantic intensity and refers to the lover’s broader and more enduring attitude. External change is highly significant in generating romantic intensity; in romantic depth, familiarity, stability, and development are tremendously important. While romantic novelty is useful in preventing boredom, romantic familiarity is valuable in promoting flourishing.²

We need genuine virtues and not performative masculinity and femininity. Having “rizz” may spark chemistry with a potential suitor, and maybe even get us to the nikkah, but it will not sustain a relationship. Marriage, before and after, requires we focus on compatibility to bolster long-term success. Even if our intention is solely and sincerely with the purpose of marriage, ideally in pursuit of Allah’s pleasure, we must focus on developing and recognizing one’s character and core competencies. 

Provider

In Muhammad Ali: The Humble Servant Leader, I expounded on the concept of qiwama that Allah prescribed to men in Surah Nisa, “Men are the caretakers of women, as men have been provisioned by Allah over women and tasked with supporting them financially.”³ While the Islamic ethical paradigm is based on the prophetic example of leadership, men’s foundational responsibility is to be a provider. Often, when the conversation of provisions comes up we immediately think of finances. It is true, that men have a financial obligation to provide for their dependents, but providing overall stability is of higher importance.

I think we over-prioritize the financial aspect of men providing today. men not wanting to provide financially for their families is a huge red flag, but money is not everything. Life is full of qabd and bast (constriction and expansion), times of difficulty and prosperity, and being the leader requires providing emotional stability for the family regardless of the circumstance. The leader must engender trust and dependability, that they will exhaust all means to provide, and that is far more important than providing itself. Like physical beauty, in addition to it being subjective, if the relationship is not based on anything deeper than finances, then, if removed, it places strain on the other aspects of the relationship. Stability that comes from dependability perseveres through all circumstances whereas financial provision ceases to exist when times get tough. 

“Hard times create strong men. Strong men create good times. Good times create weak men. And, weak men create hard times.”

– G. Michael Hopf⁴

Dependable

During Hell Week of the Navy’s Basic Underwater Demolition/SEAL (BUD/S) training, instructors seek to push recruits beyond their physical and mental breaking points. Retired SEAL and ultra-endurance athlete, David Goggins, said,

Hell Week is the devil’s opera, and it builds like a crescendo, peaking in torment on Wednesday and staying right there until they call it on Friday afternoon. … Our whole body was one big raspberry, oozing pus and blood. Mentally we were zombies. The instructors had us doing simple boat raises and we were all dragging. Even my crew could barely lift that boat.⁵

BUD/S is the toughest military training in the world with an attrition rate of 70–85%.⁶ For David Goggins, with two previously unsuccessful attempts due to medical injuries, failure was not an option. “I was the leader of that crew and couldn’t allow myself to show weakness,”⁷ He said. So, pulling from his previous experiences and desire to lead his crew, Goggins coined his motivational hypothetical question, “Who’s gonna carry the boats?!”⁸

The word qiwama is the exaggerated form of the word qaim (قائِم), which translates to “standing or upholding”. IbnMandhur (d. 711/1311) said in Lisan Al-Arab that qiwama, in the aforementioned verse in Surah Nisa, means “consistently preserving … standing, and stable.”⁹ On the worst day of the worst week during the toughest training, David Goggins found a way to harden his mind, or “Take Souls” (as he calls it), and lead. No one from his crew failed out of BUD/S and they won every race. Leaders are the ones whose stability provides support for others.

Maturity

Men must be mature to, colloquially and figuratively, hold things down. “Maturity seems to run counter to novelty and excitement,” said Aaron Ben-Ze’ev. He continued, “Intense emotions are generated by change, while maturity involves growing accustomed to changes and perceiving them as less significant.”¹⁰ Providing emotional stability as a leader requires the maturity to act in a way that inspires confidence. When we find ourselves or one of our dependents in a period of influx, our own figurative Hell Week (month, or year), if we are truly embodying qiwama, we have to be the ones others can count on. One of my teachers always told me, “Men are always above the fray.”

Man was made for Joy & Woe 

And when this we rightly know 

Thro the World we safely go 

Joy & Woe are woven fine 

A Clothing for the soul divine 

Under every grief & pine

Runs a joy with silken twine

–William Blake¹¹

Grit

Maintaining a consistent amount of interest is impossible, for a plethora of reasons, and romantic relationships are no different. So often I hear conversations about finding a “soulmate”, but in reality, as Pamela Duckerman said, “Soul mate isn’t a pre-existing condition. It’s an earned title. They’re made over time.”¹² Therefore, we require something more substantial, in addition to interest, to sustain through the joy and woe of a marriage's lifespan. Psychologist Angela Duckworth said, “Interest is one source of passion. Purpose—the intention to contribute to the well-being of others—is another. The mature passions of gritty people depend on both.”¹³ 

Dependability requires grit (i.e., passion and perseverance for long-term goals).¹⁴ Whether we had confidence in our ability (or not) or understood the full scope of our responsibility (or not) before undertaking them, chivalry necessitates courageously embracing them. If we shirk our responsibilities, the burden will shift onto other parts of our family system. Thus, our mindset is of extreme importance. Angela Duckworth said, 

A fixed mindset about ability leads to pessimistic explanations of adversity, and that, in turn, leads to both giving up on challenges and avoiding them in the first place. In contrast, a growth mindset leads to optimistic ways of explaining adversity, and that, in turn, leads to perseverance and seeking out new challenges that will ultimately make you even stronger.¹⁵

As servant leaders, we must embrace an ethic of grit so that we can weather any figurative storm. At the end of the day, we have to remember “Who’s gonna carry the boats?!” 

“Do not talk about giftedness, inborn talents! One can name great men of all kinds who were very little gifted. They acquired greatness, became “geniuses” (as we put it) … They all possessed that seriousness of the efficient workman which first learns to construct the parts properly before it ventures to fashion a great whole; they allowed themselves time for it, because they took more pleasure in making the little, secondary things well than in the effect of a dazzling whole.” 

–Friedrich Nietzsche¹⁶

Aspirational

We already established that men are divinely obliged to financially provide for their dependents, particularly women, but, also, some things can supersede money. So, while women might agree to be patient with their husband's financial difficulties, apathetic laziness is unacceptable. Frankly speaking, women do not want to be married to a bum. It is really that simple. TLC said it best, “A scrub is a guy that thinks he's fly/ And is also known as a busta/ Always talkin' about what he wants/ And just sits on his broke ass.”¹⁷ 

The challenge is, we expect instant gratification. We feel entitled to the successes of grit, mentorship, wise decisions, and towfiq (divine succor) without putting in a fraction of the effort. “Our vanity, our self-love, promotes the cult of genius,” Nietzche said. “For if we think of genius as something magical, we are not obliged to compare ourselves and find ourselves lacking.”¹⁸ The expectation though, internally or externally imposed, should never be that we are perfect; rather, the expectation is that we try. 

Aspirations signal forward thinking and a growth mindset, but without accompanying goals, they are nothing more than whims. Realistic goals are the first step in self-control and “self-control without goals and other standards would be nothing more than aimless change, like trying to diet without any idea of which foods are fattening.”¹⁹ Having aspirational goals and working towards them provides trust that we can do more than talk by walking the walk. Despite the circumstances, we have the self-control to prioritize the family’s needs over our own.

Emotional Intelligence

One of my favorite quotes on love is, “You like because and you love despite. You like someone because of all of their qualities and you love someone despite some of their qualities.”²⁰ It is expected that we will find annoyances in the members of our social circles—whether it be our closest friends, family, or even ourselves. So, it is nonsensical to expect anything different from a spouse.  I am not suggesting that we “settle for less,”²¹ rather we reset our expectations and have emotional intelligence. 

Aaron Ben-Ze’ev said, “Emotional intelligence is the capacity to process emotional information accurately and effectively, and accordingly to regulate our own and other’s emotions.”²² As leaders, it behooves men to understand the emotional needs of their dependents. “Without the awareness that we are supposed to be different, men and women are at odds with each other,” said John Gray. “We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways—the ways we react and behave when we love someone. This attitude sets us up to be disappointed again and again and prevents us from taking the necessary time to communicate lovingly about our differences.”

As servant leaders, we must strive to manage our emotional differences. This does not mean men should be at either extreme, rigidity or blind acceptance, because that is an easy recipe for abuse; rather, men should strive to be gracious and kind. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said, “Kindness is not to be found in anything but that it adds to its beauty and it is not withdrawn from anything but it makes it defective.”²³ 

How we show up or respond to a situation directly affects the outcome. I tell couples in counseling that 75 percent of marriage problems are the man’s responsibility—50 percent simply because he is half of the equation, but another 25 percent based on how he responds to his wife. For that reason, we must be thoughtful about how we moderate our own emotions and learn how to if we do not know. Nevertheless, the three major mechanisms to moderate our thoughts and emotions (i.e., to be emotionally intelligent) can be found in the aforementioned points—maturity, aspirations, and grit—or, as Ben-Ze’ev puts it: hedonic adaption, positive mood offset, and enduring moderate dissatisfaction.²⁴ 

Maturity (or hedonic adaptation) simply brings down the volume of emotional stimuli. All of my teachers have a profound way of embodying this, making situations that appear monstrously big incredibly small and insignificant. In addition to controlling one’s emotional response to stimuli, it inevitably brings the other person’s emotional levels down as well. “Without such a reduction, we would be overloaded by destructive intensity, thus losing the sensitivity necessary for distinguishing between events of greater and lesser importance.”²⁵

Aspirations (or positive mood offset) keep us reaching for more, always hopeful, and having tawakkul (reliance on Allah) for what better is to come. “It helps by making the baseline for adaptation a positive one that is somewhat higher than the neutral point between positive and negative.”²⁶ This aspiration, if rooted in Allah, is the disposition of a believer. The Prophet ﷺ said, 

Strange are the ways of a believer for there is good in every affair of his and this is not the case with anyone else except in the case of a believer for if he has an occasion to feel delight, he thanks (God), thus there is a good for him in it, and if he gets into trouble and shows resignation (and endures it patiently), there is a good for him in it.²⁷

Grit (or enduring moderate dissatisfaction) is the fuel that keeps us going. While maturity brings down the volume, grit keeps pushing the sound out when the electrical current is weak. It pushes us to improve our situation. “Being dissatisfied reduces the risk of becoming indifferent while resting on our laurels. Dissatisfaction, which includes experiencing failures and unpleasant circumstances, spurs the meaningful development that is the bedrock of enduring romantic love.” 

Conclusion

People are not monolithic androids and men cannot be expected to be either. Being “alpha” or “beta” does not matter outside providing an opportunity to better know ourselves. Qiwama necessitates that we embrace being servant leaders in our families confidently and courageously. Nonetheless, we must first understand what our role is to have efficacy in the position. Our focus should be on our inner core competencies and nurturing, what Robert Bly calls, our “inner King.” He said, “The inner King is connected with our fire of purpose and passion.” We need to be less focused on mastering superficial short-term extrinsic goals, like the art of “rizz”, and prioritize long-term intrinsic values. Bly said, “The inner King is the one in us who knows what we want to do for the rest of our lives, or the rest of the month, or the rest of the day. He can make clear what we want without being contaminated in his choice by the opinions of others around us.”²⁸ 

And, ultimately, with Allah is all success!

1. Britannica, T. Editors of Encyclopaedia. "uṣūl al-fiqh." Encyclopedia Britannica, April 2, 2018. https://www.britannica.com/topic/usul-al-fiqh.

2. Ben-Ze’ev, Aaron. The Arc of Love: How Romantic Lives Change Over Time. Chicago, IL: The University of Chicago Press, 2019. 41.

3. Quran 4:34.

4. Hopf, G. Michael. Those Who Remain. Penguin Random House, 2012. 69.

5. Goggins, David. Can't Hurt Me: Master Your Mind and Defy the Odds. Austin, TX: Lioncrest Publishing, 2018. 118.

6. Debusmann Jr, Bernd. “Navy finds 'perfect storm' of problems in elite Seals course”. BBC May 26, 2023. https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-65724065.

7. Goggins, Can’t Hurt Me, 125.

8

9. IbnMundhir, Muhammad. Lisan Al-Arab. Qom, Iran: Adab Al-Hawza, 1984. Vol. 12, 497.

10. Ben-Ze’ev, The Arc of Love, 190–191.

11. Blake, William. “Auguries of Innocence”. Poetry Foundation. Accessed March 7, 2024, https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/43650/auguries-of-innocence.

12. Druckerman, Pamela. “What You Learn in Your 40s”. The New York Times. Febuary 28, 2014.  https://www.nytimes.com/2014/03/01/opinion/sunday/what-you-learn-in-your-40s.html

13. Duckworth, Angela. Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance. New York, NY: Scribner, 2018. 143.

14. Angela Duckworth defines “grit” as “.” See Duckworth, Angela. “FAQ”. AngelaDuckworth.com. Accessed March 9, 2024. https://angeladuckworth.com/qa/.

15. Duckworth, Grit, 191–192.

16. Duckworth, Grit, 40.

17. TLC. “No Scrubs”. LaFace Records. February 2, 1999.

18. Duckworth, Grit, 49.

19. Baumeister, Roy F. and John Tierney. Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength. New York: The Penguin Group, 2012. 62.

20. Scanlon, Claire, dir. Set It Up. Treehouse Pictures. 2018.

21. “Settling” in a relationship is a concept I would like to explore at a later time. I feel, from an Islamic perspective, it has an arrogant undertone and disallows us from finding contentment because we are always entitled to better or more. Furthermore, it colors our underlying emotional perspective in a negativity to effect everything we see thereafter. Duas.

22. Ben-Ze’ev, The Arc of Love, 26.

Gray, John. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex. New York, NY: HarperCollins Publishers, 2012. 2.

23. Sahih Muslim 2594a

24. Ben-Ze’ev, The Arc of Love, 28.

25. Ibid.

26. Ibid., 29.

27. Sahih Muslim 2999

28. Bly, Robert. Iron John: A Book About Men. Boston, MA: De Capo Press, 2004. 116.