The following paper is written intending to provide: (a) men, especially young men, with guiding principles and (b) women information to look for in a potential husband, InshaAllah.
Jazakumullahu Khairan for sharing! I REALLY enjoyed reading this post. It was good read and pretty insightful too! I made some notes and had a good laugh too. The perspective on chemistry vs compatibility was a great opener and I liked the addition of grit too. Never thought about grit in this light. May Allah increase you in wisdom!
"And, ultimately, with Allah is all success!" That's the best translation I've seen for وبالله التوفيق.
First and foremost sheikh, I think you ought to give a stern word to your readers. How dare such an amazing golden ingot of a post receive only one comment?? This should be getting a lot more traffic honestly. It is sagely advice and we young men and women need to hear it, understand it, and heed it. It would do us well to take from the wisdom of ahlul 'ilm. May Allah swt bless you for writing these essays. They are immensely valuable.
Now, I had a few thoughts and maybe some questions as I read the post.
I think there ought to be a service for young adults seeking marriage to work with an experienced marriage counselor in crafting their non-negotiables and broader framework for what they seek in a spouse. Too often we add things in the "must (not) have" list that don't actually belong there. We misjudge how important a given trait is to us and convolute the list of non-negotiables and preferables with things that we think matter deeply us, but actually don't.
Having a helping hand guide you through the process of making those lists would greatly improve clarity of mind and purpose in the courting phase. Or maybe that's what pre-marital counselling already is for and I'm just unaware. In any case, I should do something like this when I more seriously start looking for a partner.
I love the nuance you added to the role of being a provider. Providing stability is what we often here as someone being "your rock." Rocks are cool like that. I have a lot around the house, mostly for tayammum purposes, and there's an uncanny comfort you feel when you hold a big, round rock. A sizable one where it fits your fist or a bit bigger.
The mass of it imparts a feeling unlike what a block of wood might. There's a gravitas about a rock like that, but also a simultaneous airiness and playfulness. You can move the rock around, toss it in the air like a ball, heat it on the stove, use it as a paper weight. It can become a weapon too. In any case, it remains largely unchanged (it'll burn you badly if you're not careful with it after heating it, so probably don't do that if you don't need to, but a hot rock or even a spoon does do wonders for mosquito bites in my experience).
It is what a man, husband, father, servant leader should be. Easy-going and dependable and capable of consequences (get a little careless and you'll risk a bruised or broken toe). But rocks can crack too, so they ought to be handled with care as well. We have to take care of the "rocks" in our lives, as much as they take care of us.
Anyways, I digress. And I also apologize for mixing up my comment in its address to you and to a general audience. It was just a very thought provoking piece so I'm letting my thoughts flow.
My main question to you is about provision as well, the financial aspect of it. In your experience, what is a pragmatic method for taking on the financial responsibility of a wife as a young man, one who might still be in college, pursuing higher studies for a respectable career, or still trying to land a good, full-time job?
The amount of men around my age, early-mid/maybe even later twenties who are fully financially independent are little to none. In fact, the only person my age who I know to fit that category best is a woman. And this is just about being able to pay all of your own bills, food, and rent. Unless until you land a decent full-time job, paying for two people is almost entirely out of the question in this economy. And that leads to men delaying marriage because they simply cannot yet financially provide for a wife.
So far, I think an ideal solution (and possibly the only pragmatic one) would be a gradual shifting of financial responsibility for the wife from her father to her husband. The still-student husband could start, for example, with taking on 20% of the burden upon marriage with a concrete plan to move up to the full 100% of the responsibility in a reasonable time span of however many years. Until then, the girl's father would shoulder the portion the husband can't. And this is assuming the woman is not working.
As a student myself (just finished my undergrad, applying for masters), I really don't see any other way of getting married for easily another five years, and while that's fine, I think it's much better for a couple to grow and adapt to the changes of married life in a gradual manner (out of need ofc, otherwise there's no discussion about graduating the burden in steps). The early 20's are like this sapling stage where both persons are more likely to adjust their ways of being and mindsets to work well with the other. I've heard from many that marrying later (into the 30s for example) means people are more set in their ways and have a harder time adapting to life with a spouse and working as a team. Hence I hope to marry sooner rather than later.
What's your take on the example above sheikh? Do you think it's a viable option, a gradual shift of financial responsibility, or do you think it's better for young men to wait until they become capable of taking on the whole responsibility upon nikah? And this is assuming all the other core competencies you mentioned are present, differ as they might in degree.
Hope I didn't bore you with this essay-comment-question 😅.
A non-negotiable crafting workshop is something we actually spoke about at my local Masjid. It hasn’t come to fruition yet, but InshaAllah maybe in the future. I do help people do it one-on-one though. Often times, I find, people just need a little bit of coaching.
I wrote a paper on Early Marriage (https://www.khawatir.blog/p/early-marriage?r=1t3hcw&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web), but I do think a staggered approach is wise. I think living with in-laws or taking ones time to move in could be a part of the process. Unfortunately, but fortunately, there is no uniform one-size-fits-all process. Again, that’s something the couple, ideally with their families, can work through in the pre-marital process.
Allah bless you man. It isn’t easy at all, but I think GenZ is learning from the failings of my generation (Millennials), particularly when it comes to marriage.
Jazakumullahu Khairan for sharing! I REALLY enjoyed reading this post. It was good read and pretty insightful too! I made some notes and had a good laugh too. The perspective on chemistry vs compatibility was a great opener and I liked the addition of grit too. Never thought about grit in this light. May Allah increase you in wisdom!
"And, ultimately, with Allah is all success!" That's the best translation I've seen for وبالله التوفيق.
First and foremost sheikh, I think you ought to give a stern word to your readers. How dare such an amazing golden ingot of a post receive only one comment?? This should be getting a lot more traffic honestly. It is sagely advice and we young men and women need to hear it, understand it, and heed it. It would do us well to take from the wisdom of ahlul 'ilm. May Allah swt bless you for writing these essays. They are immensely valuable.
Now, I had a few thoughts and maybe some questions as I read the post.
I think there ought to be a service for young adults seeking marriage to work with an experienced marriage counselor in crafting their non-negotiables and broader framework for what they seek in a spouse. Too often we add things in the "must (not) have" list that don't actually belong there. We misjudge how important a given trait is to us and convolute the list of non-negotiables and preferables with things that we think matter deeply us, but actually don't.
Having a helping hand guide you through the process of making those lists would greatly improve clarity of mind and purpose in the courting phase. Or maybe that's what pre-marital counselling already is for and I'm just unaware. In any case, I should do something like this when I more seriously start looking for a partner.
I love the nuance you added to the role of being a provider. Providing stability is what we often here as someone being "your rock." Rocks are cool like that. I have a lot around the house, mostly for tayammum purposes, and there's an uncanny comfort you feel when you hold a big, round rock. A sizable one where it fits your fist or a bit bigger.
The mass of it imparts a feeling unlike what a block of wood might. There's a gravitas about a rock like that, but also a simultaneous airiness and playfulness. You can move the rock around, toss it in the air like a ball, heat it on the stove, use it as a paper weight. It can become a weapon too. In any case, it remains largely unchanged (it'll burn you badly if you're not careful with it after heating it, so probably don't do that if you don't need to, but a hot rock or even a spoon does do wonders for mosquito bites in my experience).
It is what a man, husband, father, servant leader should be. Easy-going and dependable and capable of consequences (get a little careless and you'll risk a bruised or broken toe). But rocks can crack too, so they ought to be handled with care as well. We have to take care of the "rocks" in our lives, as much as they take care of us.
Anyways, I digress. And I also apologize for mixing up my comment in its address to you and to a general audience. It was just a very thought provoking piece so I'm letting my thoughts flow.
My main question to you is about provision as well, the financial aspect of it. In your experience, what is a pragmatic method for taking on the financial responsibility of a wife as a young man, one who might still be in college, pursuing higher studies for a respectable career, or still trying to land a good, full-time job?
The amount of men around my age, early-mid/maybe even later twenties who are fully financially independent are little to none. In fact, the only person my age who I know to fit that category best is a woman. And this is just about being able to pay all of your own bills, food, and rent. Unless until you land a decent full-time job, paying for two people is almost entirely out of the question in this economy. And that leads to men delaying marriage because they simply cannot yet financially provide for a wife.
So far, I think an ideal solution (and possibly the only pragmatic one) would be a gradual shifting of financial responsibility for the wife from her father to her husband. The still-student husband could start, for example, with taking on 20% of the burden upon marriage with a concrete plan to move up to the full 100% of the responsibility in a reasonable time span of however many years. Until then, the girl's father would shoulder the portion the husband can't. And this is assuming the woman is not working.
As a student myself (just finished my undergrad, applying for masters), I really don't see any other way of getting married for easily another five years, and while that's fine, I think it's much better for a couple to grow and adapt to the changes of married life in a gradual manner (out of need ofc, otherwise there's no discussion about graduating the burden in steps). The early 20's are like this sapling stage where both persons are more likely to adjust their ways of being and mindsets to work well with the other. I've heard from many that marrying later (into the 30s for example) means people are more set in their ways and have a harder time adapting to life with a spouse and working as a team. Hence I hope to marry sooner rather than later.
What's your take on the example above sheikh? Do you think it's a viable option, a gradual shift of financial responsibility, or do you think it's better for young men to wait until they become capable of taking on the whole responsibility upon nikah? And this is assuming all the other core competencies you mentioned are present, differ as they might in degree.
Hope I didn't bore you with this essay-comment-question 😅.
LOL! Allah bless you bro.
A non-negotiable crafting workshop is something we actually spoke about at my local Masjid. It hasn’t come to fruition yet, but InshaAllah maybe in the future. I do help people do it one-on-one though. Often times, I find, people just need a little bit of coaching.
I wrote a paper on Early Marriage (https://www.khawatir.blog/p/early-marriage?r=1t3hcw&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web), but I do think a staggered approach is wise. I think living with in-laws or taking ones time to move in could be a part of the process. Unfortunately, but fortunately, there is no uniform one-size-fits-all process. Again, that’s something the couple, ideally with their families, can work through in the pre-marital process.
Allah bless you man. It isn’t easy at all, but I think GenZ is learning from the failings of my generation (Millennials), particularly when it comes to marriage.