Early Marriage?

This paper aims to provide some advice for young people considering marriage and their families who are inescapably involved in the process.

It may be just my community, but young marriages are on the rise. In the last ninety days, three couples twenty-four years old or younger got married—I have four others I am advising in the courting phase—and I absolutely love it. I recognize my bias, as I got married young, but I genuinely think marrying young is far preferable to waiting. There are always sacrifices in every transaction; the more prepared you are, the higher your chance of success. For example, I first got married at nineteen years old, had no clue about the requirements of me as a man, and after less than a year of living together, we were planning for divorce; compared to when I remarried at twenty-two, I at least knew what I did not want, and that continues to motivate me until today (going on thirteen years later, Al-Humdulillah). This paper aims to provide some advice for young people considering marriage and their families who are inescapably involved in the process.

Yay or nay?

Marriage is a collectivistic endeavor; it is impossible to do alone. Each spouse must be flexible for the union’s healthy growth because they will inherently sacrifice and consent to things for their spouse's sake. With the increase of age, we become more settled in our ways, and the likelihood of change (sacrifice and acquiescence) decreases. Furthermore, the chances of traumatic interpersonal conflicts increase as we age. Thus, marrying young increases our statistical chances of having a successful marriage because we are more resilient and have less baggage.

There is no right or wrong answer and everyone’s circumstances will determine what is good for them and what is not. We are all trying our best. However, before deciding if early marriage is feasible for a couple, they must assess themselves individually. After that, I think marrying young is a beautiful thing that should be encouraged. The remainder of this paper is about things we should consider to increase the chances of success, InshaAllah (God willing).

“Ultimately the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or in friendship, is conversation.”

–Oscar Wilde¹

Couples

Humility is a prerequisite to learning.² Not only is every relationship an opportunity for self-exploration but the younger we are, the more we learn. Recognizing this is extremely important for young couples because they are inexperienced in navigating relationships and less aware of themselves. As my grandmother would say, “What you don’t know could create another world.”

Social Support

An interesting fact I noticed about the three couples (that married within the last ninety days), and two of the three I am advising, is that they plan to live with their families. Sometimes, only one family and sometimes bouncing around between the two in-laws, but they are using their social support net as an opportunity to get on their feet financially (and one couple never plans on living alone). Young couples should not enter a marriage trying to do everything alone unnecessarily. Humility means recognizing that we will all need support at some point, which is fine and expected. 

Something beautiful I saw abroad was the tribal collaborative support for young couples—multiple people added to whatever the groom saved to complete his mahr (dowry), others purchased furniture, and everyone gave gifts. In some Somali weddings, this support extends to attendees, with the groom’s tribe distributing monetary gifts. Unfortunately, our American social dynamic no longer provides this type of tribal collaborative support; therefore, necessitating complete financial self-sufficiency delays access to marriage. 

There should be zero stigma for young couples depending on their families in the early stages of their marriage. It should be encouraged. However, the couple should discuss family involvement exhaustively during the courting process. For example, what is the long-term plan, to remain cohabitating with in-laws or to move into your own place eventually? What metrics will determine readiness (e.g., finances, time, turmoil, etc.) if so? This process helps ensure no one is caught off guard and sets expectations.

Family Connection

From my anecdotal experience and the testification of others, being immersed in our new in-law family early on has a massive return on investment. Undoubtedly, it will be awkward and probably uncomfortable, but it is an excellent learning opportunity to understand the social environment your spouse grew up in. This knowledge plants seeds for compassion and empathy that may be extremely difficult or impossible to achieve without it. Seeing firsthand that your mother-in-law is a dictator, your father-in-law is emotionally unavailable, or your brother-in-law struggles with all his relationships, for example, allows you to understand your spouse's family dynamic and begin to have empathy that, without this knowledge, would be very difficult. 

Many factors outside our control determine our connection with our in-laws (e.g., each member independently, the social environment they grew up in and their subsequent expectations, and then the influence they have on each other). Trying our best to be respectful is our sole responsibility. But because they are family, we cannot treat them like ordinary people who have zero rights and connections with us. Therefore, we must hold our standard of adab (decorum) with our family at an elevated standard. 

You can see this when IbnQuddama (d. 620 /1223) speaks about hosting in Mukhtasr Minhaj Al-Qasidin, “From the adab of hosting is that you intend to invite the righteous, not the immoral … and one should intend the impoverished, not the wealthy. Do not neglect your relatives in the invitation because neglecting them is deplorable and cutting kinship ties.”³ Here, IbnQuddama presents a different level of discernment for our family members. Despite their religious observance or socioeconomic level, they have status; otherwise, he would not have distinguished them from others. 

Remove Expectations

One of my favorite sayings is, “Expectation is the mother of disappointment.” Because of our romanticized ideals about marriage and what it will look like, we come into our relationships full of expectations, which almost inevitably lead to disappointment. Expectations are the preconceived ideals we hold about something. They are frequently the reason couples schedule marriage counseling appointments. It is unfortunate too, because expectations are entirely internal, unknown to the rest of the world, and often even to ourselves.

Harvill Hendrix said in his book Getting The Love You Want: A Guide for Couples,

Far more important than these conscious or semiconscious expectations are the unconscious ones people bring to their love relationships, and the primary one is that their partners, the ones they’ve winnowed out of long lists of candidates, are going to love them the way their parents never did. Their partners are going to do it all—satisfy unmet childhood needs, complement lost-self parts, nurture them in a consistent and loving way, and be eternally available to them. These are the same expectations that fueled the excitement of romantic love, but now there is less of a desire to reciprocate. After all, people don’t enter into relationships to take care of their partner’s needs—they do so to further their own psychological and emotional growth. Once a relationship seems secure, a psychological switch is triggered deep in the old brain that activates all the latent infantile wishes. It is as if the wounded child within takes over. Says the child, “I’ve been good enough long enough to ensure that this person is going to stay around for a while. Let’s see the payoff.” So the two partners take a big step back from each other and wait for the dividends of togetherness to start rolling in.⁴

The more we can remove our expectations, the more resilient we will be when challenges arise. The reality is that challenges are an inevitable part of the human condition, and when another person is introduced into the equations, they increase exponentially. Hence, it is far easier to marry than to stay married. While there is no escaping challenges, we can triage (via introspection or a counselor) if our challenges come from expectations and choose how to respond to them. These choices directly impact our future.

Communication

Hypothetically, suppose we were to marry our twin. Misunderstandings and communication challenges are still unavoidable, even for someone who shares the same DNA and grew up in the same environment as us. For someone with multiple degrees of separation and differences in cultural and familial atmosphere, the likelihood increases; therefore, if mature communication is vital during the courting phase, it only grows in importance once married. Dr. John Gottman, of the famous Gottam Institute, conducted research where he was able to predict divorce with ninety percent accuracy over six years within three minutes based on data for husbands and wives on how a couple communicates.⁵ Furthermore, after humility, healthy communication is the underlying connector of all the abovementioned issues—with families and between spouses.

The husband and wife’s bond takes precedence over either spouse's connection with their families and in-laws. This does not allow us to disrespect our families, but the couple must be on the same page. Their ability to communicate emotions and expectations and navigate challenges healthily is the foundation of their relationship and their ability to maintain a relationship with their respective families. Each spouse functions as the mediator between their family and their spouse, not literally, trying to find a mutual understanding for both sides, but de-escalating emotions and creating empathy. Unless it is a significant point of contention, I suggest avoiding directly addressing your spouse's points of contention with your family. Because there usually is no rush or possibility to “resolve” the challenge, take your time and find a subtle way to hint at the challenge that will not threaten your family or shame your spouse. 

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“Your wealth and children are only a test, but Allah alone has a great reward.” –Quran (64:15)

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Parents

When it comes to the responsibility of parenting, I think of where Jesus (‘alayhi salam—peace be upon him) said, “From everyone to whom much has been given, much will be required, and from the one to whom much has been entrusted, even more will be demanded.”⁶ Children are a gift that not everyone has, and equally, a test that Allah will hold us to account. Earning Allah’s pleasure through nurturing them should be our number one priority, although our priorities are often reduced to merely the material—seeing our children’s success. As I concluded in an earlier paper on parenting, “Pragmatically speaking, we must recognize the extent of our abilities and exert ourselves [as parents]. Our children are not little projects of raw material to engineer into whatever we have always wished for them; rather, they are delicate flowers gifted to us by God to care for.” 

Let go

We have to remember that we are the amalgamation of our experiences. Thinking back to our earlier days, what mistakes did we make, and how did those mistakes help shape who we are today? If we are honest, we are better because of some of those mistakes and the subsequent fallout. As much as it may pain us, we cannot prevent them from having their own experiences and charting their lives. 

Guide

The role we play in our children's lives shifts as they grow older, especially once they marry, from a role that was once an authoritative parent to more advisory. That transition typically is difficult for both parties, stretching the boundaries well beyond what is comfortable and familiar. Although it may be painful to see our children make mistakes we know how to solve, we must resist the temptation to force an outcome. We try to provide our children with the scaffolding that will yield success, but sometimes, our advice and involvement are unwelcome. In those cases, we turn to Allah in dua (supplication).

“O young men, whoever among you can afford it, let him get married, for it is more effective in lowering the gaze and guarding chastity. And whoever cannot, then he should fast, for it will be a restraint (wija') for him.”

–Prophet Muhammad⁷

Bachelordom

Remember, as I advise my own children, 

Your purpose in life is to worship Allah, not get married. Marriage is only a means to accomplish the ultimate goal. Where we find our rizq is completely unknown to us; all we can do is, “strive for that which will benefit you, seek the help of Allah, and do not feel helpless,” as the Prophet ﷺ said.⁸ If you do not marry, because of circumstances or personal choice, it doesn’t make you any less of a [person], nor should it stop you from pursuing other goals.

Unfortunately, pursuing other goals does not resolve the biological challenges of bachelordom, as marriage does not resolve temptation. 

Avoid Stimuli

It behooves us, those who are married and especially those who are not, to avoid lustful stimulation vigilantly. Although those will differ from person to person, they are physical and emotional stimuli. For example, the Prophet ﷺ instructed those of us who are not able to marry to fast, physically restricting what enters our stomachs because “it will be a restraint.” Imam Al-Ghazali (d. 505/1111) said 

You must – and may Allah grant you success – protect your stomach and rectify it … This is because it is the fountainhead and source; from it all the states of the other limbs come to be: strength and weakness, abstinence (ʿiffah) and willfulness (jimāḥ), and so forth. Therefore, you must firstly safeguard it against the unlawful and the doubtful and secondly against going to excess with regards to the lawful, if your intention and desire is to worship Allah the Exalted.⁹

While physical stimuli are the most obvious—e.g., avoiding being around the opposite gender or around things that enflame desires—emotional stimuli are more insidious. We must guard our hearts because what we expose ourselves to emotionally impacts our thought processes and permeates to our actions. The Prophet ﷺ said, “There is a piece of flesh in the body if it becomes good (reformed) the whole body becomes good, but if it gets spoilt the whole body gets spoilt and that is the heart.”¹⁰ 

Stay Busy

Everything has a sacrifice. One of my Quran teachers jokingly told me, “Every single man wishes he were married, and every married man wishes he were single.” That said, something being unmarried has is a surplus of time. We need to laser-focus our intentions and ensure our time management aligns with our priorities because, as the proverb goes, “Idle hands are the Devil’s workshop.” The Prophet ﷺ said, “Take advantage of five before five: your youth before your old age, your health before your illness, your riches before your poverty, your free time before your work, and your life before your death.”¹¹

Conclusion

Putting the fact that we are living in an unprecedented level of immorality in modern times to the side, despite my first marriage ending in divorce, I am unabashedly pro-marrying early. It allows malleable young couples to grow together as one unit, and social support helps facilitate that process. Young couples must humble themselves to establish new healthy boundaries with each other and their families by removing expectations and establishing healthy communication styles. Parents must also recognize that they play a role in their children’s maturation, transitioning from an authoritarian to an advisor. Regardless of whether Allah blesses us to get married young or blesses us differently, we should all avoid stimuli that inflame our desires and strive to remain busy with things that please Allah. 

And, ultimately, with Allah is all success!

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Here are some other papers I wrote on the topic of marriage and family:

• Halal Rizz

  This paper provides guidance for brothers seeking to start the courting process, InshaAllah (God willing).
  

• Husband Core Competencies

  This paper was written intending to provide: (a) men, especially young men, with guiding principles and (b) women information to look for in a potential husband, InshaAllah.
  

• Parenting: Gardening, not Engineering

  A metaphor to orient our parental leadership style more toward God and less toward ourselves.

1. Wilde, Oscar. “To Lord Alftred Douglas.” In The Letters of Oscar Wilde. Edited by Rupert Hart-Davis. New York, NY: Harcourt, Brace & World, INC., 1962. 432.

2. Sahih Al-Bukhari, Chapter 30.

3. IbnQudama Al-Maqdisi, Ahmad b. Abdul-Rahman. Mukhtasr Minhaj Al-Qasidin. Damascus, Syria: Maktabah Dar Al-Bayan, 1978. 73–74.

4. Hendrix, Harville. Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. New York, NY: St. Martin’s Press, 2008. 65–66.

5. Carrere, S., and Gottman, J.M. “Predicting Divorce among Newlyweds from the First Three Minutes of a Marital Conflict Discussion.” Family Process, Vol. 38(3) 1999, 293-301.

6. Luke 12:48 NRSV

7. Sunan an-Nasa'i 3209

8. Sunan Ibn Majah 79.

9. Locke, Mahdi. “Imam al-Ghazālī on Protecting the Stomach”. Mahdinnm.blogspot.com/. June 8, 2015. https://mahdinnm.blogspot.com/2015/06/imam-al-ghazali-on-protecting-stomach.html. Translated from Ghazali, AbuHamid. Minhāj al-ʿĀbidīn ilā Jannat Rabb il-ʿĀlamīn. Jeddah: Dār al-Minhāj, 1432/2011, p.128-133.

10. Sahih Bukhari 52.

11. Shu’ab al-Imān lil-Bayhaqī 10250.