Ya Banati (Oh, My Daughters)!
A love letter to my daughters—of wisdom gleaned from the amazing people I’m blessed to serve—on true beauty, priorities, marriage, mentorship, and death.
A young sister in my community recently asked, “What advice would you give a sister who is not courting anyone yet but would like to prepare? Your blog addresses the brothers, but I wish you would write for sisters too.” This made me realize that my daughters would soon be in her shoes, and my mind went to the races.
I spend most of my time with young people in formal and informal situations. I wouldn’t dare claim to have it all figured out, but the following are some things I have gleaned from the amazing people I’m blessed to serve in the community. This is a love letter to you, my daughters—Leenah, Hana, Sara, Mariam, Asiya, and Nafisa—that I pray you can turn back to long after I am gone. While I hope this is not the first time you’ve heard this from me, maybe seeing it written down in one place will be beneficial, InshaAllah.1
True Beauty
Ya Banati (oh, my daughters), in February 2017, I vividly remember driving an hour away for a youth retreat, leaving you all at home, and first hearing the song “Scars to Your Beautiful” by Alessia Cara. In the chorus, she beautifully sings, “But there's a hope that's waiting for you in the dark/ You should know you're beautiful just the way you are/ And you don't have to change a thing/ The world could change its heart/ No scars to your beautiful.”2 Then, and every time I’ve heard it since, it makes me tear up because it reminds me of you all.
It’s no secret that I hate make-up and love your hair natural. Blame Gramma, lol. Regardless of my upbringing, each of you is absolutely gorgeous (MashaAllah TabarikAllah), without filters (virtual or physical), as Allah created you. Listen, I get it; we all want to be attractive—shoot, you know how often I cut my hair, lol—and there is nothing wrong with that. The Prophet ﷺ said, “Allah is beautiful; he loves beauty.”3 But please don’t make your physical appearance the extent of your beauty concerns because you are so much more than your looks. More importantly, beauty is proverbially only skin deep.
Your Heart
Ya Banati, the goal of Islam is to earn Allah’s pleasure, which is achieved only in ways He loves. He is Rab Al-’Alameen (Lord of all worlds),4 “the Creator of all things, and He is the Maintainer of everything,”5 so there’s no hiding who we really are. The Prophet ﷺ said, “Verily Allah does not look to your faces and your wealth, but He looks to your heart and your deeds.”6 Our primary concern should always be the condition of our hearts.
Sincerity is all that matters. Ibn Ata’illah (d. 709/1310) said, “Actions are lifeless forms, but the presence of an inner reality of sincerity (sirr al-ikhlas) within them is what endows them with life-giving Spirit.”7 Therefore, we must have principles rooted in cardinal virtues that govern our hearts. Actions stem from what’s consciously or unconsciously in our hearts. Never forget that, and never allow yourself to be deluded otherwise.
The heart is a precious vessel that carries our faith and emotions; unfortunately, it is not impervious to internal and external forces. Protect it at all costs! If a boy or anything else broke your heart, I am sorry. Allah remove your burden and replace your pain with His love, Ameen! But please don’t allow your pain to prevent you from loving and feeling love. Although something else may have caused your pain, only you can start a journey to healing. As hard as it may be, try to flip your experiences on its head; ask yourself, “What have I learned about myself from this horrendous experience?” As your Uncle Sh. Yasir always repeats, “In everything is a sign proving His Oneness.”8
Your Character
Ya Banati, if sincerity is all that matters internally, adab (decorum) is all that matters externally. And, if we really want to get technical, adab can be divided into two sub-categories: of the hearts (jinaan) and the limbs (arkaan). This two-pronged approach, internal and external, is the balance we’re all striving for, but one shouldn’t be at the expense of the other. They go hand-in-hand.
While everyone focuses on very overt acts of ibadah (worship), your ra’s maal (capital) is found in your adab (with Allah and with creation). The Prophet ﷺ said, “The best among you are those who have the best manners and character.”9 Adab is the secret often overlooked; it is relatively simple but weighty with Allah. All you have to do is love people—not because of who they are but because of Who created them, as He is the one who made humans noble10—and treat them better than you’d like others to treat you.
Please know that softness does not equal weakness. You know I raised you to have the fortitude, opinions, and confidence to defend them, but that doesn’t mean you must now be aggressive or rough. The Prophet ﷺ said, “Kindness is not to be found in anything but that it adds to its beauty, and it is not withdrawn from anything but makes it defective.” Wallahi, your strength as a woman is most beautiful when you combine your intelligence and brilliance with hikmah (wisdom). That, baby girl, is true strength!11 Also, remember, your honor is your adab.
Midst life's busy confusion, turmoil and strife,
In the crush and jam of the pelf-getting herd,
Where dollars are valued above human life,
With "Get Yours" the slogan, and "Dollars" the word,
I've been crowded, and elbowed, pushed out of line,
Have been offered inducements to steal and lie;
But turned them aside—for I knew "I'd get mine"—
I carried the banner of Honor held high.
–E. F. Hayward (d. 1936).12
Priorities
Ya Banati, every one of us has a calling that Allah put deep inside us. Perhaps the signal of this calling has grown weaker, or we simply aren’t accustomed to hearing it, but it’s there. As Sh. Khalid Amin (Allah bless and preserve him) told me before I left Makkah, “Find your orbit and stick in it.”13 Not just in your interests but also in your aspirations. Not just short-term but also long-term.
Dream big, baby girl. I know it’s cliche but shoot for the stars. That said, don’t get lost in your dreams. The Prophet ﷺ said, “Work for your worldly life as if you’ll live forever, and work for the next life as if you will die tomorrow.”14 Figure out what you dream your life will be at 50 years old, and make sure you’re living a life working towards that now.
Also, make sure it’s your dream and not someone else’s. Your “orbit” has to be yours. You know I’m not about this culture of hyper-individualistic hedonistic narcissism we live in, so I’m not saying pursue your “true self” with total disregard for your values and/or family, but you have to own your decisions. A metric you can use is to question: will this help me best to earn Allah’s pleasure? Each of us has our calling, and working outside of it lessens our ability to have ihsan (excellence). Very few of us can be Deion Sanders and excel at playing two sports (football and baseball) simultaneously professionally. Even he had to pick what his primary focus was going to be.
Furthermore, in all honesty, your plan will likely not materialize as you’d imagined, and even more likely, you will probably change plans many, many times. That’s fine. What’s important is that you have goals that are good for you and are working towards them.
Marriage
Ya Banati, the easiest and (from my experience) best path to achieving your goals in life, particularly for you as a woman, is via marriage. Your husband will be your garment (protection and support)15 and help alleviate the financial burden you’d have alone. So, please, get married and get married young. Obviously, don’t just marry the first dude who comes asking for your hand—verify he has basic Husband Core Competencies (yes, I wrote a paper on that, too)—but don’t delay marriage frivolously.
Marriage should be a tool that allows both spouses to flourish, supporting each other to fulfill their dreams (shared or individual). To do that, you must be very intentional before starting the marriage process. Are your dreams and aspirations nonnegotiable? If they are, then you need to communicate that during the courting phase. Don’t forget the Five P’s your Uncle Hector taught me long ago, “Proper preparation prevents poor performance.” If you don’t, you’re setting extremely high expectations—leaving something you claim is important to you up to chance raises the likelihood of disappointment and resentment. May Allah protect you all.
Listen, I don’t make societal rules. The ideal age for a woman to marry is 18–25. From 25–30, your chances become exponentially more challenging, and 30+, it’s damn near impossible. Because of the responsibility of provision, men require a bit more time to be ready to marry and will likely marry someone younger than them. And, if we’re honest, why wouldn’t they? Biologically, a younger woman has higher chances and opportunities to have children. Additionally, because she has less life experience, it is easier for her to adapt to her husband. If you want to wait, that’s your decision, and I still love you. Just understand the opportunity cost of that decision for your life and happiness. If you choose not to marry or be unnecessarily picky and find yourself a 30+-year-old cat mom, don’t say I didn’t warn you. I’m just saying.
Marriage is from our rizq (provision), yet we must do our part. The Prophet ﷺ said, “‘If you were to rely upon Allah with the reliance He is due, you would be given provision like the birds: They go out hungry in the morning and come back with full bellies in the evening.”16 At the very least, don’t unnecessarily close yourself off to the idea of marriage. I’m not saying you need to be a lioness on the prowl—that’s probably a bad look anyway, so definitely don’t do that—but be open. Let the people closest to you know you’re looking to get married. Then, after that, put your trust in Allah.
Your purpose in life is to worship Allah, not get married. Marriage is only a means to accomplish the ultimate goal. Where we find our rizq is completely unknown to us; all we can do is, “strive for that which will benefit you, seek the help of Allah, and do not feel helpless,” as the Prophet ﷺ said.17 If you do not marry, because of circumstances or personal choice, it doesn’t make you any less of a woman, nor should it stop you from pursuing other goals. And, as always, I will always love you regardless.
May Allah bless you all with righteous husbands who are good for you in this life and the next (with goodness, ease, and well-being), contentment in him (despite his deficiencies), and a healthy, righteous Muslim family (full of children and joy) that exceeds your expectations. Ameen!
Mentorship
Find mentors in everything valuable to you. We are all proverbial dwarfs standing on the shoulders of giants. Without exaggeration, mentorship has been probably the most valuable thing in my life; without it, I wouldn’t be remotely successful. I cannot stress it enough.
This will require you to be humble and vulnerable. Humble because you have to recognize you need help. As Mujahid (d. 104/722), a scholar from the Tabi’een (the students of the Sahaba), said, “Whoever is shy or arrogant will never learn” because they won’t ask questions.18 You will also have to be humble because the mentor you need might not be the one you want. She or he might not be the most prestigious person, but he or she can give you what you need.
You will have to be vulnerable because mentorship is a two-way relationship. Mentorship is not someone conferring information and you implementing it—that’s teaching. Mentorship is a reciprocal relationship with someone who has practical experience in the desired field, loves you, and will give you attention. The latter two things, love and attention, are built over time and often through adversity. Additionally, for them to mentor you, you will have to remove your hijab of perfection figuratively. If you don’t allow the mentor to see where they need to mentor, you’re disenabling them from fulfilling the definition of their job. Albeit scary at times and emotionally challenging, the rewards are invaluable if you can be patient with the discomfort.
Death
Ya Banati, death is an inescapable reality of life.19 One day, I, too, will die. I ask of you four things:
Remember, “HasbnAllah wa Ni’mal-Wakil (Allah [alone] is sufficient [as an aid] for us and [He] is the best Protector).”
Life will inevitably have ebbs and flows, as this is a part of the human condition. Regardless of where you find yourself on your journey, strive to make this a dhikr (remembrance) always in your heart and on your tongue, meditate on its meanings, and embody it accordingly. Ultimately, with Allah is all success.20
Never forget Muhammad ﷺ.
Anything good you may have learned from me isn’t even the shadow of his magnificence ﷺ. Please try to build a relationship with him (and his Sunnah) ﷺ by learning his Seerah (biography) and Shama’il (characteristics). Allah blessed us with Al-Habib (the Beloved [of Allah]) ﷺ so that we can learn how to become beloved by Him ﷻ.
Forgive me.
I am a man with many faults, more than you know. And I am sure some of them you felt the brunt of. All of you felt my absence, busy doing a million other things (especially you, Leenah). Still, please know I always tried my best to balance everyone’s needs and never wanted any of you to feel neglected in any way.
Pray for me.
The Prophet ﷺ said, "When a man dies, his deeds come to an end except for three things: Sadaqah Jariyah (ceaseless charity), a knowledge which is beneficial, or a virtuous descendant who prays for him (for the deceased)."21 Equally important, please pray for Gramma and the rest of our family and all Muslims, particularly my teachers and mentors: those men—especially Sh. Muhammad Jilani Haydara, Sh. Yasir Fahmy, Mustafa Davis, and Farhan Siddiqi—raised me and taught me how to be a man.
Love you,
Baba
This paper is written in a style that pays homage to Imam Al-Ghazali (d. 505/1111), Allah be pleased with him. One of his students asked him a question and he wrote Ayuhal-Walad (O Son!) as a response, starting each section with “Ayuhal-Walad”.
Cara, Alessia. “Scars to Your Beautiful”. Track 10 on Know-It-All. Def Jam Recordings. Spotify.
Quran 1:2.
Quran 39:62.
Ibn ʻAṭāʼ Allāh, Aḥmad ibn Muḥammad, ʻAbd Allāh ibn Muḥammad Anṣārī al-Harawī, Victor. Danner, Wheeler McIntosh Thackston, and Annemarie Brigitte Schimmel. The Book of Wisdom. New York: Paulist Press, 1978. 48.
Labid b. Rabiah (d. 41/661). See https://www.aldiwan.net/poem21277.html.
Quran 17:70.
Just like the Prophet ﷺ said, “The strong man is not the good wrestler, but the strong man is he who controls himself when he is angry.” See Bulugh Al-Maram.
Hayward, E. F. “Honor”. DiscoverPoetry.com. Accessed April 9, 2024. https://discoverpoetry.com/poems/enos-franklin-hayward/honor/.
I have always considered this a nod to the verse, “And He is the One Who created the day and the night, the sun and the moon—each traveling in an orbit.” See Quran 21:33.
Allah says in the Quran, “Your spouses are a garment for you.” See 2:187.
Quran 21:35.
Before Ghazwat Al-Uhud, the second battle in Islamic history, the Sahaba (companions of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ) were warned, “Your enemies have mobilized their forces against you, so fear them. This warning only strengthened their faith and they replied, ‘Allah [alone] is sufficient [as an aid] for us and [He] is the best Protector.’ So they returned with Allah’s favours and grace, suffering no harm. For they sought to please Allah. And surely Allah is [the] Lord of infinite bounty.” See Quran 3:172–174.
This was so beautiful MashaAllah TabarakAllah! Your daughters are lucky and truly blessed to have something like this that they can look back and reflect on. They maybe too young to understand the significance of this now but one day when they're older they will love you more for it. Reading this as a 30+ year old, brought tears to my eyes...it is everything that my own father tried to instill in my sisters and I (although not as eloquently as you captured) and it is words of wisdom I wish all fathers shared because it truly has such an impact. May Allah bless and strengthen your bond with your daughters, grant you all goodness in this world and the next, and may He safeguard them and all the daughters of our ummah.
Jazak Allah Khair for your beautiful words!
Loved this piece! Your piece was part of the inspiration for my post “Dear beloved Daughter. “ Thank you!!