Making Excuses vs. Accountability
Reflecting on an interaction with my daughter and how accountability is imperative, despite the spiritual benefits of making excuses.
“Hana!” my wife screamed my daughter's name repeatedly. Our house is narrow and tall, so sometimes, my wife and I must yell to get the kid’s attention. We understand that sometimes they don’t hear us or are distracted, but this time the shouts of “HANA!” repeated five or more times. That is utterly unacceptable to me because I am the disciplinarian in our family. Frequently, my name is evoked to ensure compliance because everyone knows the buck stops with me. It is a role I take very seriously: while I cannot ensure my children’s piety, I can ensure they have good manners.
Hearing my wife repeat herself really got under my skin. I ran upstairs to the main floor, and Hana still hadn’t come down, nor did I hear her respond to her mom, so I stormed up the next flight of stairs. I’m a big guy, and my storming upstairs makes a lot of noise. What I didn’t know was that Hana was on her way down. She met me at the half-turn to my stomps and yelled, “Get downstairs right now! Didn’t you hear your mother calling you?!”
I was absolutely furious, but I didn’t realize that I was scaring Hana. In addition to being startled on the steps, I am three times her size, angrily barking at her. She started crying and only nodded her head in response.
“Go to your room, turn off the lights, and take a nap! This is completely unacceptable adab,” I concluded my diatribe.
When the dust settled, the look on her face replayed in my mind. Hana, the most delicate of my daughters, was scared of me, her father. I started feeling sick to my stomach, so I went to her bedroom to apologize, but she was still very worked up. I also noticed she’d wet the bed. After triaging why, because she’s nine years old now, I asked her, “Did this happen because Baba yelled at you?” and, through her sniffles, she faintly said, “Yes.” My heart broke.
How I treated my daughter is unequivocally unacceptable. Full stop. We can make excuses—Hana was disrespectful to her mother, they know the rules of the home, this wasn’t the first time you’ve had to tell her, etc.—but they do not justify my actions. As a community, we must differentiate between making excuses for our brothers and holding people accountable for their actions. Although they are interconnected, they are mutually exclusive.
“If you hear something from your brother that you reject, make an excuse for him up to seventy excuses. If you cannot do it, then say: Perhaps he has an excuse I do not know.”
–Ja’far ibn Muhammad (d. 87/702)1
Making Excuses
We are only responsible for ourselves, and that should be our sole focus. Allah told us in the Quran, “No soul burdened with sin will bear the burden of another, and each person will only have what they endeavored towards.”2 Therefore, generally, what others do isn’t our concern. And this is a huge relief! I have entirely too many sins and faults to be concerned with someone else’s deeds. My mentors always told me, what has become a personal maxim: Head down. Mouth shut. Just serve.
The reality is that we do not live in a vacuum-sealed silo or a utopia where everyone has perfect adab, never wronging or offending another. This is where excuses come in handy. While focusing on our relationship with Allah, we make excuses for the wrongs of others, not for their benefit but for ours. The excuses are an internal process to ensure our thoughts about Allah are as healthy as possible because that translates into our external actions and spiritual disposition.
When I share the story of how I treated my daughter, you can have husnul-dhun (good opinions) about my relationship with Allah. That’s good for you—literally. It helps you have husnul-dhun about Allah and healthily process the world. Whether your husnl-dhun is reality or not, it still does not excuse my actions. Had I done an injustice to myself alone, that’s between me and Allah. It doesn’t harm anyone else and is no one else’s concern (except for their love and well-wishes for me). But, as soon as my indiscretions impact someone else (in this case, my daughter), we must ensure it stops.
Al-Humdulillah, I had my amazing wife to discuss the situation with. She took Hana alone to the store, bought her a treat, and called me so I could apologize again. But imagine I brushed it under the rug—out of fear (i.e., embarrassment) or apathy—and Hana never got the apology she deserved. Worse, imagine I normalized this behavior—I did get the desired outcome I wanted after all! If we make excuses for the injustices we see of others, then it allows for harm to perpetuate, and that is why we must stand for accountability.
Accountability
Accountability is a cornerstone of all interpersonal relationships and community life. Once a man was ascertained for stealing said to Umar b. Al-Khattab, “I only stole by Allah’s decree.” Umar responded, “Yes, it was Allah’s decree that you stole, and it is also Allah’s decree that your hand should be cut off.” Although capital punishment is exclusively reserved for the legal authorities, its enforcement is not a judgment on the person’s metaphysical reality and standing with Allah. That’s not our responsibility, but standing for justice and ensuring accountability within our capacity through official legal channels is.
The further an injustice’s impact extends, the greater the need for accountability. Because I was rude and mean to Hana in a public setting (i.e., in front of the entire family), I also had to speak to my other children about my inappropriate behavior. I am supposed to be the Qowwam (humble servant leader) of my home, and I cannot do that if those under my responsibility are scared of me—fear indicates distrust and genuine love cannot be built upon distrust. Without accountability and behavioral change, my actions can impact generations to come, and without even realizing it, God forbid, I create a legacy of trauma and abuse.
“May Allah have mercy on the one who shows me my faults.”
–Umar b. Al-Khattab3
Protecting Ourselves
Protecting ourselves and our community is no easy feat because these are often endemic human problems and are not exclusive to any particular community. That said, traditional society had individual and social mechanisms that are worth considering in our modern times:
1. Individual Level — Muraqaba (introception) and Muhasaba (self-accountability):
Being critical of others is easy; anyone can do it. But before considering protecting ourselves, we must ensure we protect others from us. The first thing we will be held accountable for is our deeds. To do this, we must constantly engage in a process of self-analysis: what are we doing, and what have we done? Without this, there is no way for growth; even with Towbah (repentance), the first step is having nadm (remorse) for whatever we’re repenting.
Also, a part of this is recognizing our goals and whether we are prioritizing them appropriately. As a first-generation Muslim (my mom converted when I was eight years old), I don’t have an extensive religious cultural history to pull from and instill in my children. I do my best. Nevertheless, my number one parenting goal is to raise well-mannered children. That is something I can do. If I am really committed to that priority, I must ensure that my character reflects that. Moreover, I must ensure those I associate with and look up to share and reflect my goal. The Prophet ﷺ said, “A man follows the religion of his friend, so each one should consider whom he makes his friend.”4
Our environment directly impacts our spiritual (internal and external) disposition. If we feel something is off, trust your gut. As Allah said in the Quran, “Ask the people of knowledge if you don’t know.”5 That doesn’t mean we jump to conclusions, but Allah blessed us with intuitions for a reason, and people of knowledge (even if you’re uncomfortable because of a clergy member) should be able to use their understanding of the Shariah (Islamic law) to help you triage your situation. If they cannot, or won’t, help you, then find someone else. At the end of the day, you aren’t compelled to obey anyone other than the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ. Even if we accept that he speaks to people (in dreams or awakened state), it will never contradict the law. Additionally, what someone else saw is not legally binding for you.
Trust your gut!
2. Social Level — Teachers, Religious Communities, and Institutions:
Clergy—Imams, Shaykhs, teachers, mentors, etc.—don’t materialize from thin air; they have teachers and are part of religious communities. One’s intellectual and spiritual pedigree should be known publicly, and if it isn’t, we should be highly skeptical. Our teachers inform our teleological, epistemological, and methodological worldview, but it also provides a level of accountability. If problems arise, they are a higher authority who can hold the clergy accountable, and clergy members should welcome this. Any opportunity to recognize our faults is a gift from Allah because we can rectify ourselves in this life before we’re held accountable in the next.
Furthermore, clergy are associated institutions that serve as an avenue for accountability. Unfortunately, some things don’t happen in public—e.g., without my admission, you wouldn’t know about me scaring my daughter—but that doesn’t mean the organization cannot do anything. The process might not be efficient or impervious to biases and tampering; however, it is still important because, depending on the severity, we need to ensure no one else is harmed.
“Hold yourselves accountable before you are held accountable and evaluate yourselves before you are evaluated, for the Reckoning will be easier upon you tomorrow if you hold yourselves accountable today.”
–Umar b. Al-Khattab6
Conclusion
A man came to the Prophet ﷺ and asked, “O Messenger of Allah, should I tie my camel and trust in Allah, or should I leave her untied and trust in Allah?” This Sahabi (companion) was asking about the spiritual connection to asbaab (means); should I do my due diligence OR suffice with my reliance upon Allah? The Prophet ﷺ responded, “Tie her and trust in Allah.”7
Our spiritual mandate to connect with Allah does not absolve us from exhausting our means. Whenever we see injustice, we have a responsibility to stop it as much as possible, be it at our own hands or others. Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said, “Whoever amongst you sees an evil, he must change it with his hand; if he is unable to do so, then with his tongue; and if he is unable to do so, then with his heart; and that is the weakest form of Iman (faith).”8
Passiveness towards injustice not only impacts society at large, but it also harms us too—planting seeds of apathy towards injustice in our hearts, and that distances us from Allah. The Prophet ﷺ said, “None of you truly believe until you want for your brother what you want for yourself.”9 We should want everyone to have the same peace and tranquility as we want for ourselves in this life and the next. Admittedly, it is a lofty aspiration, but if we all start striving to achieve it, imagine how much more fruitful and wholesome our community experience would be.
I ask Allah to forgive my overreaction and, more importantly, pray I never conduct myself in such a way again. May He bless our families and community with love and piety, protecting us from all injustice, whether by our hands or others. Ameen!
Ultimately, with Allah is success!
Quran 53:38–39.
Quran 16:43.
"Any opportunity to recognize our faults is a gift from Allah because we can rectify ourselves in this life before we’re held accountable in the next." Masha'allah tabarakallah, this is my most amazing read of the week! I wish more people understood this.