Halal Rizz
This paper provides guidance for brothers seeking to start the courting process, InshaAllah (God willing), and exploring a Halal “rizz.”
When it comes to gender interactions, the American Muslim community is really weird. We, particularly the men, have somehow developed a schizophrenic-esque modus operandi. With Becky NonMuslim, we are normal and friendly without any inhibitions, but with Fatima Muslimah, we manifest a combination of delusions and disordered behavior that impairs our daily functioning.1 While this creates a series of problems, it culminates to a head when the brothers desire to get married. This paper provides guidance for brothers seeking to start the courting process, InshaAllah (God willing), and exploring a Halal “rizz.”
“Rizz” is a new colloquial word, abbreviated from “charisma,” that GenZ and GenAlpha (i.e., anyone born after 1995) use to describe one’s ability to attract the opposite sex. Before even delving into what that practically looks like for Muslims, the first step begins with questioning why they even start.
“Framing is about getting language that fits your worldview. It is not just language. The ideas are primary–and the language carries those ideas, evokes those ideas.”
–George Lakoff2
The Preseason
Philosophical Orientation
The foundation of marriage and the family system that supported it in Premodern and Early Modern times has been completely undermined. David Brooks wrote, “The shift from bigger and interconnected extended families to smaller and detached nuclear families ultimately led to a familial system that liberates the rich and ravages the working class and the poor.”3 Extended families' financial, social, and moral support now falls exclusively on the couple. Furthermore, because of the nuclear family’s detachment from extended family, we grow up disconnected from traditional wisdom and cultural knowledge—how to be a spouse and parent.
In The Masjid: Kids + Uncles, I highlighted how “we are told by certain psychologists and sociologists that … the family has progressed from institution to companionship.”4 This “progression” erodes the foundation of the family system, shifting from being the fountain of love and safety for the entire collective to being a burden on the individual. So, now, for our generation (Millenials onward), family is viewed from a narcissistic lens— a burdensome enterprise that is there to serve our needs.
If we do not recognize the shortsightedness of our modern perspective of marriage and family, we will be doomed to perpetuate the current social statistics—we are more lonely,5 get married later in life,6 and have fewer children.7 Men, in particular, must recognize and embrace our role in the family as servant leaders (a concept I extrapolated on in Muhammad Ali: The Humble Servant Leader and Husband Core Competencies) if there is any hope of success. This perspective starts before embarking on a journey to get married. As IbnAtaillah said, “He who is illuminated at the beginning is illuminated at the end.”8
Readiness
Readiness, or preparedness, is a subjective concept that has become a popular point of discussion for both men and women (i.e., what is required and what is desired). Unfortunately, it often feeds into unfounded expectations (e.g., that 25-year-olds should be making six figures or have six-pack abs) that cripple young men into paralyzing anxiety and indecision. For marriage readiness, young men must consider three focus areas: maturity, finances, and familial expectations.
Maturity
Marriage is not having a glorified friend with benefits. Harville Hendrix said, “Marriage is not a static state between two unchanging people. Marriage is a psychological and spiritual journey that begins in the ecstasy of attraction, meanders through a rocky stretch of self-discovery, and culminates in the creation of an intimate, joyful, lifelong union.”9 We must understand that marriage is not plug-and-play. Even if we were to marry our first cousin who grew up the same, living next door in our small village, there would be differences that inevitably come up; so, what about someone who is far further in connection and familiarity? Hence, we must be mature in our outlook on marriage. It is a lifelong union built through “a rocky stretch of self-discovery.” The better we understand this, the more practical our expectations, and the less likely we are to become disappointed.
Finances
Although in Husband Core Competencies, I argued that there are characteristics (dependability, having aspirations, and emotional intelligence) whose importance can supersede finances, the reality is that financially providing for the family is the husband’s responsibility and obligation in Islam. I believe the metric for financial marriage readiness is one’s ability to sustain oneself. The Prophet ﷺ said, “Food for one (person) suffices two.”10 Everything additional is supererogatory.
This is especially important for young men to recognize. By necessity, you are in the beginning stages of your career, and it is unreasonable to have the expectations of someone more senior. So, while we must ensure our bases are covered and honestly communicate the status of our finances when that courting stage arises, this should not be a point of anxiety. If a sister is not content with our financial status, we should move on to the next one. I do not intend to be callous, but our rizq (provisions) is in Allah’s control. Even if we had Elon Musk’s bank account, Allah could decree that we lose it all tomorrow. Our responsibility is to learn from our experiences and those around us to exhaust our means now, but ultimately, the results are Allah’s.
Family Expectations
Under normal circumstances, we are not getting married alone. Our families are involved, and their opinions matter. That being the case, we should understand their expectations before we even begin speaking with anyone to set reasonable expectations for ourselves and what to look for.
We should start trying to understand our family’s expectations as early as possible, not when we have the girl of our dreams we are ready to marry. Ideally, it happens over many conversations, and both parties, you and your family, thoroughly understand each other. When that seems impossible, we should consider using a trusted and respected third party as a mediator. Regardless, our family is objectively ours and wants our best interests (under normal circumstances). Therefore, they should not be sacrificed for something subjective, such as a potential spouse. In the worst-case scenario (divorce), God forbid, we will always have our families to fall back on.
Nonnegotiables
Once we have assessed our family’s expectations, we must discern our nonnegotiables—the must-haves and red flags we are unwilling to waive. They should be a minimal short list of fundamental things. If our list of nonnegotiables is exhaustive, or more than 10, then we probably have some things that, if pushed, we would be willing to negotiate. Therefore, they would not be nonnegotiable, but cautionary flags should be noted and considered, especially if many have accumulated.
Recognizing our nonnegotiables is a critical preseason phase because they set the criteria for whether or not someone is worth inquiring about. This requires honest introspection of what we deem necessary to us. Remember, as Hendrix said, the goal is the “creation of an intimate, joyful, lifelong union,” so we start with our most fundamental qualities and then interrogate what qualities best suit our disposition. Often, especially when we do not have prior experience with the opposite gender, we can begin by looking at the people closest to us, both male and female. But there is zero point in looking into someone if we lack self-awareness.
Further, if they do not have our necessities, there is no point in continuing the conversation. That is not an indictment of the person but a recognition that you are not a good fit for them. Nevertheless, we will discuss how to disengage or reject someone later.
Perspective
Spiritual
Islamic spirituality is the harmonizing of our internal (beliefs and emotions) with our external (physical and social behaviors).11 Internally, we believe Allah is Al-Razaq (the Provider) and Al-Muhaymin (the Overseer) of all things—the ultimate result in His control. Marriage is no different. Only He knows who our spouse is and when Allah will grant us her; thus, we must keep our faith and never lose hope in Allah’s mercy.12 Externally, we exhaust our means to be worthy (both spiritually and practically) of a spouse and seeking. Our spiritual mandate is to harmonize the two—believing in Allah’s mercy and simultaneously exhausting our means regardless of the outcome. Allah says in the Quran, “Perhaps you dislike something good for you and like something bad for you. Allah knows, and you do not know.”13
Settling
The last thing to consider before engaging in the courting process is “settling.” It is “to accept or agree to something, or to decide to have something, although it is not exactly what you want or it is not the best.”14 We can only “settle” if the assumption is that we know what is, and is not, best for us; that sentiment is rooted in discontentment in either what we chose, which no one forced upon us, or what Allah gifted us. That is theologically problematic because who we will marry and who is ultimately good or bad for us is entirely from the ghayb (unseen). Moreover, the success and failure of a marriage depend on many factors, many of which are entirely out of our control. The best we can do is exhaust our means of due diligence, make the most educated decision possible, and then leave the rest to Allah.
The “perfect” spouse as we often conceive of her—ultimately acquiescing to our needs and desires and without causing any discomfort—is a figment of our imagination. Perfection will come from both spouses' collective humility and striving to build the family's desire. It will not come easy or quickly, so knowing our nonnegotiables before engaging in marital conversations is essential. Imam Al-Shafi'i said, “Journey to Allah limp and broken, and do not wait for perfection because waiting for perfection is impossible.”
Scouting Drafts
Assessing
Our engagement with the opposite gender should always be intentionally purposeful. Zina (adultery), and anything that leads to it, is impermissible that Allah calls “... truly a shameful deed and an evil way.”15 However, we must also be careful not to hurt someone else because of our unintentional insensitivity.
I am all for brothers shooting their shots, but it should be calculated and thoughtful. While this should not have to be said, a young man recently told me he approached a niqabi (face-veiled) sister at university twice because he did not know she was the same person. The Prophet ﷺ said, "A woman is married for four things: wealth, family status, beauty, and religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser.”16
Before we take any steps in approaching a sister, we should ascertain whether she meets our essential criteria beyond beauty and assumptions of righteousness based on external factors. We are looking for a spouse, the mother of our future children, and the matriarch of the familial institution we would like to build. That requires ascertaining whether the sister’s disposition, experience, and origin family will incentivize or hinder our aspirations.
Approaching
Wingmen
Sayyida Khadijah (radiAllahu ‘anha—Allah be pleased with her) knew the Prophet’s character ﷺ from prior interactions17 and allowed her friend and confidant, Nafisa, to enquire about the Prophet’s desire to wed ﷺ.18 We, too, should strive to take this beautiful example of how the Prophet ﷺ first got to know Sayyida Khadijah and was subsequently approached by Nafisa. We should use a third party whenever interested in approaching a sister.
The third-party wingman’s role is to protect both party’s honor and reputation, so the first step is choosing a worthy wingman. They should be someone trustworthy, whom we believe has our best interest at heart, and who will scout wisely and tactfully. Their approach should be with the most delicate touch possible, starting with the broadest unidentifiable questions possible and gradually working their way in. Let us look at Nafisa’s example with the Prophet ﷺ.
[Nafisa] came to Muhammad and asked him why he did not marry. “I have not the means to marry,” he answered. “But if thou were given the means, “She said, “and if thou were bidden to an alliance where there is beauty and property and nobility and abundance, wouldst thou not consent?” “Who is she?” he said. “Khadijah,” said [Nafisa]. “And how could such a marriage be mine?” he said. “Leave that to me!” was her answer. “For my part,” he said, “I am willing.”19
She started by asking why he was not married yet and then would accept a general proposal of specific circumstances. Until this point, the Prophet ﷺ did not know who the suitor was and could have rejected the proposal; Nafisa and Khadijah’s honor would have remained wholly protected. Additionally, Nafisa inspired hope and opportunity. Even if the Prophet ﷺ did not recognize the potential for him to marry someone of Khadijah’s status, she said, “Leave that to me!” From my experience—perhaps one party is not currently thinking about marriage or does not see the potential for an accepted proposal—it is common for the wingman to help push through their pessimism.
Direct Approach
Regardless of whether we are using a third party or directly approaching a sister, we should make our intentions clear from the onset. Courting is no joking matter and, ideally, done with the approval of the sister’s wali (male guardian). So often, sisters complain of brothers, leading them to assume their intentions, only to find the brother backing out when he gets cold feet, disinterested, etc. While an additional hurdle to jump through and inconvenience (from our entitled modern perspective), the wali’s responsibility is to ensure the preservation of the women’s best interests and to create an accountability layer. Once we have identified that we would like to get to know a sister for marriage, we should involve families and each family’s preference. For some, a woman mentioning to her wali she is interested in someone specific would be equivalent to initiating the marriage (not allowing her to get to know the man). In contrast, others prefer to be involved after she has decided. Nevertheless, the earlier families are involved, the better.
Game Time
In the next phase, after identifying a sister for marriage and getting approval to speak with her, the courting phase begins. This phase is meant to determine whether or not we are compatible with a sister, and that intention to marry should be at the forefront of our minds. It is far more of a rational process than an emotional one. In Husband Core Competencies, I said:
Contrary to popular opinion, I believe chemistry is far less important than compatibility and we place entirely too much value on it. Chemistry is the connection, or “spark,” we feel with someone. Because it is essentially emotional, it is fickle, inevitably changing over time, and makes for a brittle starting position. It is important, but only a piece of the puzzle. The lion’s share of our focus should be on compatibility and the necessary shared values between both spouses. To find out the points of compatibility that are necessary for the spouses, we all need first to look internally to understand who we are and what our nonnegotiables are.
As we begin the courting process, it is important to remember these things.
1. Be Normal
For some reason, I do not know why brothers (especially brothers who consider themselves “religious” or “conservative”) act schizophrenic with Muslim women. Here is an example:
Once, a sister, let’s call her Fatima Muslimah, scheduled a virtual appointment—under an alias and did not turn her camera on to retain her anonymity—to discuss her problem. She did not grow up in a practicing family and was not very close to Islam, in understanding or practice, until she met a brother at the local gym. He would spend hours speaking with her, teaching Fatima about her family's religion, and helping her build a connection with Allah. After Fatima started wearing hijab and attending the local masjid (mosque), she recognized something peculiar: the very brother who gave her dawah (proselytize) would not speak with her or even look her way at the masjid. It seemed hypocritical, and now she was concerned with how this could be Islam. She never wanted a romantic relationship with the brother but did think he was a kind and considerate friend. Why did the brother completely change?
How we conduct ourselves with Muslims inside the community should be no different than how we conduct ourselves outside. Behavioral incongruence is an automatic flag for introspective accountability because Allah is Al-Alim Al-Basir (All-Knowledgeable All-Seeing) and will hold each of us accountable for everything we say and do. Furthermore, when interacting with our sisters, they want us just to be normal.
Yes, we should be modest in our approach (i.e., in method, disposition, and duration of the engagement should be kept to a limit)—ideally, if the relationship does not materialize, the two adults can go on their separate ways—but brothers seem to act like our sisters have cooties or something. How we interact with the other gender, in general, should be purposeful and not be lustful or flirtatious. That does not change in the courting phase. The togetherness should be to assess compatibility and long-term viability, not fulfill one’s desires.
A metric we can use for “being normal” is how we would interact with our cousins. With non-family women, whatever is deemed culturally acceptable with your cousin, our interactions should be less familiar than that. Every family always has red lines of respect that are not to be crossed, yet interacting with cousins is never cumbersome and weird. Just because there is a possibility to marry Muslim sisters does not mean we should treat them differently than anyone else. Dr. Umar Faruq Abd-Allah said, “We must insist upon the traditional wisdom of Islamic law and deconstruct the counter-cultural paranoia among us. But, if the counter-cultural identity religion unconsciously develops around many of our mosques, schools, homes, and college campuses is not brought under control and redirected, it will imperil the growth of Islam in America."20
2. Public
The Prophet ﷺ said, “No man should be alone with a woman except when there is a mahram21 with her.”22 Thus, meetings—God forbid we refer to them as “dates,” but I digress—should always be in public. Because the purpose of meetings being in public is to prevent illicit behavior, I suggest meeting at places inside a masjid or where Muslims frequent. Unfortunately, we could go to a “meeting” at a public place and engage in illicit behaviors, and no one would care. Ideally, the sister’s mahram is present, but if not, a respected family member. The more levels of accountability there are, the better.
3. Mature Communication
After making your intentions clear from the onset, just be normal. The courting phase is not a one-way interrogation but rather a reciprocal process. Brett and Katie McKcay, authors of The Art of Manliness, said in one of their blog posts,
People want to know who you are; they can’t establish an emotional connection with a stranger. Intimacy excites (and that’s true both platonically and romantically) — there’s no possibility of chemistry without it. If you don’t let your guard down a little, new acquaintances and potential lovers will become put off or bored or both.
So, self-disclosure is a powerful thing and vitally necessary for building interest and intimacy with people.
On the other hand, however, disclosing too much can be unattractive, and off-putting in and of itself. Everyone is familiar with the term “overshare” — how can you avoid falling into that trap?23
They list three principles that are beneficial to courting, and I suggest reading their article for more depth into the points:
Keep Disclosures Symmetrical
Gradually Deepen the Conversation in Stages
Lead With Positivity
Next Steps
Family Involvement
When the courting phase reaches a point where we want to get married, it is time to involve the families. The Prophet ﷺ said, “There is no marriage except with a wali.”24 But this is a delicate process that requires hikma (wisdom). As long as we have been dreaming of the opportunity to marry, our family, particularly our parents, have been dreaming about it longer. Everyone (the bride, groom, and their families) has expectations, but the goal is to accommodate them all as best as possible. That means negotiating, which means all parties involved will make sacrifices. Marriage is inherently collectivistic, and there is no escaping it, even with the wedding.
Navigating Rejection
Unfortunately, things do not always go as planned, and sometimes, we are the ones with a change of heart, and sometimes it is the other way around. In either case, rejection is never easy, and we should be as delicate as possible. The further the process, the more difficult the break-up will be. Nonetheless, before performing the nikah (wedding), neither party is obliged to the other, and it is better to cut things off now than to get divorced after marriage.
The Heartbreaker
The Prophet ﷺ said, “None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.”25 If we are going to call off an engagement or even stop the courting process, we should do so with as much grace and kindness as possible. That said, it is not graciousness or mercy to prolong a relationship when you know you are uninterested. That hurts people more. The goal should be to end the relationship, not traumatize the other person.
How far the relationship progressed will be a primary factor in determining how to end it. What is important is that we are honest. While I frequently suggest men frame the breakup in our deficiencies, we cannot say it is because we are not ready for marriage to this sister and then next week approach her best friend. That dishonesty causes more hurt and confusion.
The Heartbroken
We must keep moving forward for those on the receiving end, especially us men. As painful as it might be, our mindset should be: (1) Inna Lillahi wa Inna Elayhi Rajioon (from Allah we come and to Him, we shall return),26 (2) what can I learn from this experience about myself, (3) how can what I learned from this experience inform what I look for in the future, (4) on to the next one.
Point 1: This is not to be callus, but we should strive never to forget that all things are in Allah’s control. “Perhaps you dislike something good for you and like something bad for you. Allah knows, and you do not know.”27
Points 2–3: It is always in our best interest to focus on what is within our sphere of influence. We can learn much from every situation, including the less favorable circumstances. As soon as we begin hyper-fixating on everything the other person did to upset us, we stop growing and remain disappointed longer.
Point 4: We are not looking to rebound, but if we have theologically and practically processed the series of events that lead up to the breakup, why stew on it? She was not written for you, so move on. Guys who cannot move on despite their intentions appear creepy and worrisome.
Conclusion
Marriage is a means to earn Allah’s pleasure, not the ultimate goal itself, and we must not forget that. If we are blessed to get married, young or old, it is a responsibility, and Allah will question us about it; if we are blessed differently and unable to get married, it is a responsibility, and Allah will question us about it. While the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ encouraged us to marry and to try and do so young, it does not make those who do not or cannot less pious, respected, or valuable in the sight of Allah.
As our community navigates gender relations and young people struggle to get married, we have to remember to be three simple things: sincere, normal, and honorable. At the end of the day, we can confidently stand in front of Allah, knowing our rizz was Halal.
And, ultimately, with Allah is all success!
“Schizophrenia”. Mayo Clinic. Accessed March 14, 2024. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/schizophrenia/symptoms-causes/syc-20354443#:~:text=Schizophrenia%20is%20a%20serious%20mental,with%20schizophrenia%20require%20lifelong%20treatment.
Lakoff, George. Don’t Think of an Elephant! White River Junction, VT: Chelsea Green Publishing, 2014. 2.
Brooks, Davis. “The Nuclear Family Was a Mistake”. The Atlantic. March 2020. https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/03/the-nuclear-family-was-a-mistake/605536/.
Nisbet, Robert. The Quest for Community: A Study in the Ethics of Order and Freedom. Washington D.C.: Regnery Gateway, 1953., 53.
Twenge, Jean M. Generations : The Real Differences between Gen Z, Millennials, Gen X, Boomers, and Silents--and What They Mean for America’s Future. New York, NY: Atria Books, 2023. 393.
Ibid., 278.
Ibid., 281.
Hikmah #27. See Ibn ʻAṭāʼ Allāh, Aḥmad ibn Muḥammad, ʻAbd Allāh ibn Muḥammad Anṣārī al-Harawī. Translated by Victor. Danner, Wheeler McIntosh Thackston, and Annemarie Brigitte Schimmel. The Book of Wisdom. New York: Paulist Press, 1978. 52.
Hendrix, Harville. Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. New York, NY: St. Martin’s Press, 2008. xlii.
Abo-Zena, Mona M., and Abdul-Malik Merchant. “Young Adults: Fueling Young Muslim Adults’ Religiosity by Connecting Islamic Beliefs and Practices across their Development” Routledge Handbook of Islamic Ritual and Practice. Routledge, May 3, 2022. https://doi.org/10.4324/9781003044659-28.
Quran 12:87.
Quran 2:216.
Cambridge Dictionary, s.v. “settling for something,” Accessed March 22, 2024 https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/settle-for.
Quran 17:32.
Lings, Martin. Muhammad: his Life Based on the Earliest Sources. Rochester, VT: Inner Traditions, 2006. 34.
Ibid., 35.
Ibid., 35.
Abd-Allah, Umar Faruq. “Islam and the Cultural Imperative.” Islam And Civilisational Renewal 1, no. 1 (2009): https://doi.org/10.52282/icr.v1i1.10.
“Forbidden, inviolable, holy, sacred. Traditionally used to refer to that part of the Bedouin tent, or bayt, reserved specifically for women, where cooking was done and provisions stored. The plural, maharim , is used to refer to a man's close female relatives. In Islamic law, mahram connotes a state of consanguinuity precluding marriage.” See "Mahram." In The Oxford Dictionary of Islam. , edited by John L. Esposito. Oxford Islamic Studies Online, http://www.oxfordislamicstudies.com/article/opr/t125/e1391 (accessed 27-Jan-2021).
McKay, Bret and Kate McKay. “Social Briefing #10: How Much Should You Disclose to Someone New?”. Art of Manliness. June 14, 2017. https://www.artofmanliness.com/people/social-skills/social-briefing-10-much-disclose-someone-new/.
Allah says in the Quran, “We will certainly test you with a touch of fear and famine and loss of property, life, and crops. Give good news to those who patiently endure—who say, when struck by a disaster, “Surely to Allah we belong and to Him we will ˹all˺ return.” They are the ones who will receive Allah’s blessings and mercy. And it is they who are ˹rightly˺ guided.” See Quran 2:155–157.
Quran 2:216.