Ya Banati (Oh, my daughters),

In my last letter to you, I covered an array of topics—beauty, priorities, marriage, mentorship, and death—but for this one, I am focusing specifically on one of them—love and marriage. This comes in a season where I have been doing a lot of marriage and divorce counseling and subsequently writing about it. Most recently, my papers have been about when a marriage is ending and after it’s over, so I wanted to give you something more positive.

Few blessings in this life are as profound and transformative as a righteous marriage. It is a partnership ordained by Allah, meant to be a source of sakina (tranquility), mawaddah (love), and rahmah (mercy).1 But marriage is not a destination but a continuous journey of building, nurturing, and striving for Allah’s pleasure through your relationship.

As all meaningful endeavors do, this journey will test you. You will encounter moments of joy and difficulty, ease and hardship. But it is through these moments that you will grow, both as a couple and as individuals. As an Imam, through counseling and community service, I have been blessed to learn extremely impactful things from wives. I pray that my words, not in any particular order, guide you as you embark on this sacred path.

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Love is Not a Transaction

Ya Banati, love is not a calculation of who gave more or who sacrificed less. True love is not transactional; it is altruistic. It thrives when given freely, not in anticipation of something in return, but as an act of sincerity and devotion. In marriage, this principle is vital. You must approach your husband with a spirit of generosity, seeking to nurture and protect the bond between you.

When you enter marriage, do so wholeheartedly. Once you’ve tied the knot, there can be no hesitation or holding back out of fear of being hurt. Think back to the care and effort that went into the courting phase. Remember how intentional you both were in getting to know one another, aligning your goals, and preparing for a shared life. That process was not an endpoint but a foundation. Now that you are married, lean into that foundation.

Selfless love is not reserved for grand gestures or special occasions. It is expressed in the everyday acts that show care and consideration: listening attentively to your husband’s worries, supporting him when he is burdened, or even preparing a meal. These seemingly small acts create a reservoir of trust and affection that will sustain you through the trials of life.

Allah brought you together for a reason. Trust in His wisdom and in the process of building a life with your spouse. A “plan B” mentality—where you imagine escape routes or hold onto doubts—will only create cracks in the foundation of your marriage. While it is wise to approach marriage with maturity and foresight, excessive focus on what could go wrong reduces this sacred bond to a mere contract. Furthermore, unless your husband is abusive or neglectful, constantly entertaining “what if” scenarios will create problems and open the door for Shaytan (Satan). These thoughts, “plan-Bs” and “what-ifs,” sow seeds of insecurity, undermining the blessings of your marriage.

Love is an ongoing process, not a static emotion. Every day, ask yourself: Am I giving freely or expecting something in return? If you find yourself keeping score, take a step back and purify your intentions. Loving altruistically (for the sake of Allah) is a negative feedback loop; the more you invest into the marriage, the less external stimuli impact you, your heart grows lighter, your connection deepens, and your marriage flourishes.

Hadana: A Woman’s Superpower

Ya Banati, if “love is not transactional” is countercultural today, my following advice is even more so. Despite what you may have experienced in our home, collectivism (where priority is given to the group over the individual) is a thing of the past, and hyper-individualism reigns supreme. While I know in the last letter we spoke about priorities and marriage, society and mainstream culture will pressure you to be a “Boss Babe.”2 Even if you’re not oriented that way, it seeps into the fibers of our being and perspective, just like the “Red Pill” rhetoric impacts men. So, the question is, how do we find our balance? How can you be a woman with ambitions of success in your career and family? The short answer is: I don’t know.

That said, something I learned from sisters, particularly Dr. UmmZaid Janan Delgado—the Harvard-trained scholar of Islamic Law who also happens to be Uncle Sh. Yasir Fahmy’s wife; you remember her, right?—is that the most profound gift Allah has bestowed upon women is the power of hadana (nurturing).3 This innate ability to care for and uplift those around you is not a weakness but a strength—a superpower that allows you to play a pivotal role in your marriage and family. Nurturing does not mean you are confined or of lesser value than your husband. On the contrary, it means you possess a unique capacity to shape your home's emotional and spiritual environment.

Through hadana, you create a sanctuary of love and tranquility. When you nurture your husband with care, patience, and kindness, you empower him to face the challenges of the outside world with confidence. When you nurture your children, you instill values that carry them through their lives. This role is indispensable, and no one else can fulfill it as you can.

Understand, baby girl, that hadana does not limit your potential or imply that you cannot contribute outside the home. Instead, it highlights your ability to elevate those around you while pursuing your goals. Because you and your husband are a team and have to define your specific roles (I cannot do that for you), use your nurturing nature as a blessing from Allah to strengthen the bonds of your marriage and ensure that your home remains a place of peace and harmony.

An example is the Sahabiya (female companion of the Prophet ﷺ), Umm Sulaym. Her son became severely ill and died while her husband, AbuTalhah, was away. Despite her grief, she displayed remarkable patience—preparing her son for burial and refraining from immediately informing her husband. When AbuTalhah returned and asked about their son, UmmSulaym said, “The child is quiet, and I hope he is in peace.”4 After beautifying herself the best way she ever did, they shared a meal and were intimate. The following day, before he went out to pray Fajr, she gently informed him of their son’s passing.5

UmmSulaym embraced this gift and fulfilled a crucial role in her relationship, which complements her husband's roles and responsibilities. Take this example and form a partnership with your husband in which each contributes uniquely, creating a balance that reflects the wisdom of Allah’s design. Do not undervalue this power, for it is through your nurturing spirit that love, mercy, and understanding will flourish in your home.

Husnul-Dhun of Your Spouse

Ya Banati, One of the most powerful tools for maintaining harmony in your marriage is husnul-dhann (having good opinions). Misunderstandings will arise, and there will be days when your husband’s actions disappoint you. In those moments, resist the temptation to assume the worst.

Many, arguably most, men carry a deep sense of responsibility for their families. Their sense of worth is often tied to their ability to provide and protect. When they fall short—whether due to financial struggles, stress, or personal mistakes—they may retreat inward, becoming distant or irritable. Criticism in these moments can wound them deeply, making it harder for them to recover. Instead, approach these situations with understanding and encouragement. Say to him, “I see how hard you are trying. May Allah give you strength.” These simple words can uplift him and help him rise to meet his challenges.

Don’t overlook how powerful husnul-dhun can be for you and your husband. You would be amazed at how I counsel couples, where Shaytan uses negative thoughts and assumptions to cause great visures between spouses. Having husnl-dhun is having good assumptions of things that have transpired and how we assume they will respond. One funny story, admittedly only tangentially related, was that I was once counseling a couple, and both were maintaining certain habits under the assumption that the other preferred things. The husband said, “I didn’t want to argue and assumed that’s what she liked,” and the wife said something similar. Both were existing in the marriage, frustrated with each other because of delusions in their minds. When I pointed it out, they were shocked and embarrassingly laughed.

However, maintaining a good opinion does not mean ignoring serious flaws or mistreatment. Kindness and compassion should never come at the expense of your dignity or well-being. If your husband consistently prioritizes himself above you, neglects your rights, or behaves selfishly or his actions don’t align with his words, you must address these issues with clarity and courage.

Being principled means recognizing that marriage is a partnership, and one-sided sacrifice will not lead to success. If you find yourself married to a man who is selfish or neglectful, begin by addressing the issue directly. Share your concerns respectfully, offering solutions that align with the teachings of Islam. If he is unwilling to change, or if his actions harm you emotionally, physically, or spiritually, seek guidance from trusted elders, scholars, or counselors. Remember that Allah does not want you to endure oppression, even within the bounds of marriage.

Compassion and firmness are not mutually exclusive. You can hold onto your values while striving to approach your spouse with kindness and patience. Regardless of the circumstances, know that I love you and am always here for you. Please don’t worry about souring my opinion of your husband; we all make mistakes. I know I have. I would much rather you bring problems while they’re still minor than wait until they have escalated beyond control. Trust that Allah sees your efforts and will reward your sincerity.

His Family is Not Your Husband

Ya, Banati, let me give you this advice plainly: Your husband’s family is not your husband. Navigating the relationship with your husband’s family can be challenging, but do not hold him accountable for their actions. Furthermore, no matter what happens, do not allow their shortcomings to overshadow your view of him.

Your husband did not choose his family, just as you did not choose yours. He loves them because they are his blood, just as you love your family. Understand this about him, and do not make him feel like he must choose between you and them. If his family says or does things that upset you, address these issues with wisdom and gentleness. Speak to your husband with respect, and work together to find solutions. But do not let their actions poison your relationship with him.

At the same time, respecting his family does not mean allowing them to overstep boundaries. You and your husband must work together to establish clear limits that protect the peace of your home. These boundaries should be communicated respectfully but firmly, ensuring that both sides feel honored while maintaining the sanctity of your marriage.

I believe the responsibility lies with the person whose family is agitating the family dynamic. So, if that’s your husband’s family, do not get in between him and his family. Let him handle it, InshaAllah. But if he doesn’t understand why or how much the challenges disturb you, I suggest you get outside counsel, preferably someone wise and trusted by your husband (hopefully me!), who can mediate between you both.

Remember, baby girl, your home is your sanctuary. It is a space of love, peace, and security. Protect it from unnecessary conflict, and do not allow external influences to disrupt the harmony you and your husband work so hard to build.

Gratitude Will Protect Your Heart

Ya Banati, In today’s world of atomized nuclear families and social media, where we don’t intimately interact with anyone outside our households and what we see is processed through filters and AI, it is so easy to look at others and feel that your marriage is lacking. But let me tell you this: every couple has struggles, and every marriage has hidden challenges. What you see on the surface is rarely the whole story.

When you focus on what others have, you lose sight of the blessings Allah has given you. Gratitude is the shield that will protect your heart from discontent. Reflect on the gifts Allah has placed in your marriage: the companionship of your husband, the shared moments of joy, and the support you give one another. These are treasures that many people long for but may never have.

Gratitude is not just a spiritual principle; it is a way of life that transforms how you see your world. After UmmSulaym informed her husband of their son’s passing, AbuTalha initially got upset. UmmSulaym asked him, “If some people gave something as a loan and then asked for it back, would they have the right to withhold it?” He replied, “No.” She then said, “So, seek reward for the loss of your son.” When you focus on the positive, your emotional burden is lighter, and your love for your spouse deepens. The Prophet ﷺ made dua for their family, and Allah blessed them with nine sons, all of whom became reciters of the Quran.7

Don’t be stingy with your gratitude, either. If you’re grateful for something in your life, whether your marriage or your husband, remember to thank Allah. Gratitude is expressed in a few ways: first, thank Allah for it (i.e., say “Al-Humdulillah”), as without Him we would have nothing; secondly, ensure your actions exhibit that gratitude because genuine gratitude necessitates piety; tell those you love and trust (especially your husband). Recognize how blessed you both are, tell each other how grateful you are and precisely what for, and give each other gifts. As Allah says in the Quran, “Proclaim the blessings of your Lord.”

If you find yourself comparing your marriage to others, shift your perspective. As the Prophet ﷺ said, “Look at those who stand at a lower level than you, but don't look at those who stand at a higher level than you, for that is better suited that you do not disparage Allah's favors.”8 Let their resilience inspire you to appreciate what Allah has given you. Gratitude will humble you and fill your heart with contentment.

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Make Your Marriage an Act of Worship

Finally, Ya Banati, remember that marriage is more than a partnership—it is a means of drawing closer to Allah. You are engaged in worship when you sincerely care for your husband, forgive his shortcomings, and strive to create a home filled with love and tranquility.

Allah describes marriage as a bond of sakina (tranquility), mawaddah (love), and rahmah (mercy). These qualities do not appear on their own. You must cultivate them through your knowledge and understanding of Allah, yourself, and your spouse; additionally, how you process and intentionally respond to your experiences in the world (inwardly and externally). It requires much patience and grace. When you treat your husband with love for the sake of Allah, every act—no matter how small—becomes a source of reward.

The challenges you face together are not obstacles; they are opportunities. Every hardship is a chance to grow closer to Allah and one another. With every difficulty, ask yourself: How can I respond in a way that pleases Allah? This mindset will transform your marriage into a source of barakah (blessings) and spiritual growth.

Ya Banati, I want you to remember that you never have to feel too shy to come to me regardless of what happens. Ever! I promise, if you’re honest with me, I will never hold it against you. As corny as it may be, in the words of Marvin Gaye,

“Ain't no mountain high, ain't no valley low

Ain't no river wide enough, baby

If you need me, call me, no matter where you are

No matter how far, don't worry, baby

Just call my name, I'll be there in a hurry

You don't have to worry.”9

I pray that your marriages become gardens of love and mercy, places of comfort and strength. May Allah guide, protect, and bless your homes with His infinite barakah (blessings). May He grant you patience, wisdom, and hearts that are always turned to Him because, ultimately, all success is from Him. Ameen!

Love you,
Baba

“You are divorced,” Fulan Khayali told his wife, Allana, in my office.1 Despite having marriage troubles for the last five years, this still came as a shock for Allana. They have three kids under fifteen and have been together for almost two decades.

“Nooo! No, no no no no! Fulan, Habibi, No,” Allana begged. “Please don’t do this! Whatever you want me to change, I will do. Think about the kids!”

The Khayalis came to me for marriage counseling pretty consistently for close to two years, and, unfortunately, there were many issues. In the eyes of the community, they appeared perfect for each other: the idyllic couple that so many envied. Yet behind the Instagram pictures and cute kids, they were a couple who had long lost their flame. Intimacy had whittled down to a quarterly chore of merely fulfilling obligations, and if forced to be honest, they no longer even liked each other.

Allana is an intelligent, strong-minded woman who grew tired of Fulan’s easygoing, nonchalant disposition. Unfortunately, she grew cold and distant because she never learned to communicate, and his demeanor made her feel unsafe and anxious in the relationship. Fulan, on the other hand, grew up with only brothers and very few female cousins, so he never understood where Allana’s consistent complaints came from. All he wanted was to make her happy, but he never figured out how.

After their youngest daughter was born, Allana had postpartum depression and sought to control every aspect of the marriage. Fulan, in turn, felt suffocated, emasculated, and emotionally checked out of the relationship. I wasn't surprised when he finally decided to divorce his wife and was callously resolute.

This paper continues the earlier discussion, Divorce and Its Roots: Understanding the Three Core Causes. While it’s essential to understand why a marriage dissolves, it’s equally important to focus on life afterward. Life doesn’t stop—or start—after divorce. Many people seek guidance on what comes next, and this post aims to address those questions, InshaAllah (God-willing).

Post-Divorce Reflection: What Went Wrong and Where

No one enters a marriage intending to divorce, and even under the best of circumstances, divorce is an emotionally taxing life event. In what seems like an instant, the Khayalis’ lives were turned upside down, and their expectations shattered. Nevertheless, here they are.

Allah tells us in the Quran, “Perhaps you dislike something which is good for you and like something which is bad for you. Allah knows and you do not know.”2 With this tremendous challenge (like all tremendous challenges), there is an opportunity for growth—but capitalizing on it requires a shift in focus. Instead of looking outward (e.g., dwelling on the hurt caused by an ex-spouse) and fueling the fire of emotions over something beyond our control, we must turn inward. We must engage in muhasaba (self-reckoning) and ask ourselves: What did I contribute to the relationship ending as it did?

This is a difficult process that demands both humility and strength. None of us are perfect, and problems do not occur in a vacuum. However, perpetually ruminating on pain and anger will leave us stagnant, preventing us from learning from our experiences. Worse, if we avoid self-reflection, we risk finding ourselves in the same situation with someone else—even if we were not the party that initiated the divorce.

The What

Marriages consist of two primary parties—the husband and the wife—and both contribute to the challenges that arise. Beneath the emotional corrosion that led to the Khayalis’ divorce lay two fundamental issues: a lack of mutual respect and poor communication. Neither Fulan nor Allana truly understood or respected one another. They failed to recognize the deeper emotional needs behind their frustrations and were unable to show up for each other in meaningful ways. Furthermore, their inability to communicate their confusion and dissatisfaction effectively prevented deeper understanding and resolution.

Now that their divorce has been pronounced and the ‘idda (waiting period) has begun, I advise both parties to engage in personal muhasaba to diagnose what went wrong and what they could have done differently to prevent their relationship from ending as it did. This reflection is not meant to induce guilt—because we cannot change the past—but rather to facilitate learning and growth from their mistakes.

The Where and When

Understanding where the problems arose is equally crucial. For the Khayalis, the birth of their third child and the following pressures became a significant stressor in their relationship. Unfortunately, this is a common experience for many couples. While the birth of a child is an undeniable blessing from Allah, it can also act as a destabilizing force within a family—financially, socially, and emotionally. Alongside the additional financial burdens, the family’s mobility is often limited for the first three to six months, and untreated postpartum depression can last for years. Sometimes, couples are unable to recover from this disruption, falling into a dysfunctional rhythm where the children’s needs are prioritized to the detriment of their own relationship.

For the Khayalis, this phase was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. By reflecting on where and when these significant problems arose, even after divorce, they can learn what to avoid in the future. Perhaps if they had addressed these challenges more effectively, Fulan would not have felt so burnt out, and Allana would not have become so emotionally distant. While the past cannot be changed, they can take steps to ensure they do not repeat the same patterns in future relationships.

Reflecting on Your Ex’s Character and Values

After analyzing the what, where, and when of their marital challenges, the Khayalis are better positioned to take a broader approach to muhasaba. Beyond specific incidents or grievances, they must reflect on overarching values and the character traits that are most important to them. Were the challenges in their marriage simply a result of poor communication and a lack of respect, or was there something deeper at play?

The Khayali’s struggles did not seem to stem from conflicting values or incompatible personalities. In some ways, this makes their situation more tragic because it denies the clarity of a straightforward diagnosis. They began their marriage with shared values and compatible traits, but the real challenge lay in meeting each other’s evolving needs and expectations over time. This is no easy task and requires both partners' selfless sacrifice and consistent effort to cultivate mutual understanding.

If this underlying dynamic is not recognized, each ex-spouse may blame the other for the marriage’s failure. In reality, their relationship suffered not from a single catastrophic event but from the slow erosion of connection—a leaky faucet that dripped until the reservoir of love finally ran dry.

Prioritize the Children

Divorces without children are often less complicated—each party can take their belongings and work through their heartbreak independently without further interaction. However, when children are involved, that is not the case. Regardless of the legal outcomes, parents may agree upon—whether through the courts or mutual arrangements—their children’s well-being must remain the top priority.4

It is safe to assume that the Khayalis harbor resentment toward each other; otherwise, they likely would not have divorced. Nevertheless, that frustration or disdain should never impact their children. As parents, children are an amanah (entrusted responsibility) from Allah, and we must protect and nurture them—physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. The relationship between parents is not the children’s fault, nor should it ever become their burden. Parents must learn to co-parent intentionally, upholding their children’s rights and fulfilling their trust with Allah.

Co-Parenting with Your Ex

Co-parenting demands maturity and intentionality that many parents may not have anticipated before divorce. Both custodial and noncustodial parents must acknowledge that, regardless of their personal feelings, their ex-spouse remains their child’s parent. Every action, comment, or decision involving the other parent—whether the child is directly aware of it—inevitably affects the child. Parents are not only providing care but also modeling behavior, teaching their children how to navigate relationships and perceive their other parent.

As children grow, a parent’s role in their lives evolves. Early in life, children depend on their parents for survival. As they mature and gain independence, the parent’s influence may shift in quantity but not importance. The emotional connection, advice, and love offered by parents continue to shape how children see the world and their place within it. If this relationship is damaged by trauma at any stage of a child’s development, the effects can reverberate far into the future. Acting out of spite toward the other parent can inflict unnecessary harm on the child, who often suffers the most in these situations.

Remaining Involved as a Non-Custodial Parent

Trauma and pain can lead us to cope in ways we might not have anticipated, and these coping mechanisms are not always healthy. For the noncustodial parent, the experience of limited access to one’s child can be deeply painful, compounded by the frustration of not being able to influence their upbringing as imagined. However, this pain does not absolve the noncustodial parent of their parental responsibilities.

The saying “If you have lemons, make lemonade”5 is an apt reminder for noncustodial parents: they must do their best within the scope of their circumstances. Factors such as the child’s age, financial constraints, and the custodial parent’s level of cooperation may limit involvement. For some noncustodial parents, staying involved might mean frequent pick-ups and drop-offs, weekly dinners, and bedtime stories. For others, it might mean annual visits or even less. Regardless of the frequency or format, the effort counts, and Allah will judge us based on our sincere attempts to fulfill our responsibilities.

Working to Not Repeat the Past

At a certain point, we will begin thinking about remarrying. It’s natural and a good thing. But, before doing so, we must ensure we do not fall into the same bad habits and traps that lead us to divorce. That starts with making sure you’ve healed from the first relationship.

“Healing” is a phrase that, in all honesty, I’m not too fond of. Unlike physical healing, where there are clear quantitative factors that determine when the process is complete, it is entirely qualitative and amorphous when discussing healing in an emotional sense. In relationships, healing is where you have learned from your previous relationship, and your remaining emotions will not negatively impede a new relationship.

That isn’t to say a divorce won’t impact us emotionally. In fact, it is almost expected that it will to some extent or another. But, when trying to move into another relationship, we should strive to at least understand where we are emotionally. Additionally, as with the post-divorce reflection, the bare minimum is that we can communicate our needs with someone else we’re interested in starting a relationship with.

I spoke extensively about the courting process in Halal Rizz, but post-divorce, we have to be even more vigilant. We must consider our needs in the present and build upon what we learned from our previous experiences and relationships.

Conclusion

Divorce, while painful and life-altering, does not mark the end of one’s journey. For Fulan and Allana, as for many others, it is an opportunity to reflect, recalibrate, and rebuild. The process of muhasaba allows them to gain valuable insights—not only about the breakdown of their marriage but also about themselves as individuals. It is a chance to take responsibility for their roles in the relationship’s challenges and grow in ways that prepare them for healthier dynamics.

Life after divorce will require patience, perseverance, and intentionality. It will demand that both parties learn to navigate new roles as co-parents while maintaining a commitment to their children's emotional and spiritual well-being. Through this effort, they can model resilience and compassion, even in the face of adversity, demonstrating to their children that while life does not always go as planned, it can still be meaningful and full of growth.

Divorce is a reminder of the impermanence of this world and the need to anchor ourselves in Allah’s guidance. As we encounter trials, we must strive to turn our hearts back to Him, seeking His mercy, wisdom, and aid. While Fulan and Allana’s chapter together may have closed, the book of their lives is still being written. With introspection and reliance on Allah, they can find healing, hope, and the courage to move forward. InshaAllah (God-willing), this new chapter can bring lessons that strengthen their faith and foster a deeper understanding of themselves and their purpose.

And, ultimately, with Allah is all success!

I am blessed to work at one of the largest masjids on the East Coast. With six branches, two affiliate locations, and a dedicated Office of the Imams consisting of seven members, we serve a sprawling 50-square-mile radius. Our community is vibrant and diverse, but as with any community, challenges persist. One of the metrics we use to gauge the community’s pulse is what we call the divorce-to-marriage ratio. It’s a simple but telling measure: if the number of marriages performed in a given period outpaces the number of divorces, we consider ourselves on the right track.

Unfortunately, the trend is not always encouraging. While some weeks see joyous celebrations of love and unity, others are marked by the painful dissolution of marriages. Divorce is undoubtedly on the rise in our community. From my counseling work, I’ve observed three overarching causes for divorce: entering marriage for the wrong reasons, unresolved trauma, and the natural process of growing apart.

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Understanding these causes isn’t just about diagnosing the problem; it’s about finding ways to strengthen relationships, support those in need, and help our community thrive. Let’s delve into each of these reasons, not to place blame, but to foster understanding and growth.

1. Shouldn’t Have Gotten Married in the First Place

One of the most common reasons behind divorce is rooted in the very beginning of the relationship: the decision to marry. Many marriages, in hindsight, should not have happened. As Imams, we see this reality unfold during premarital counseling—or more heartbreakingly, when couples seek our guidance during their divorce proceedings.

Often, couples are swept into marriage by external pressures. Families push for unions based on culture, convenience, or appearance rather than compatibility. Some individuals rush into marriage for fear of being alone or because they believe it’s “time,” even if the relationship isn’t truly ready for that commitment. Others get caught up in the intoxicating early romantic feelings of their connection, mistaking infatuation for long-term compatibility.

Islam reminds us that compatibility is essential in marriage. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ emphasized the importance of choosing a spouse based on religion and character, saying, “If a man whose religion and character are pleasing comes to you (seeking marriage), then marry him.”1 This prioritization helps ensure the relationship is built on a solid foundation rather than external pressures or fleeting emotions.

A key part of this shaky foundation is a lack of self-awareness. Many individuals enter marriage without a clear understanding of their own needs, values, or nonnegotiables. They might assume that love will compensate for these unknowns, only to realize later that their spouse cannot fulfill the needs they didn’t articulate—or didn’t even know they had. For example, one partner may deeply value emotional connection and verbal affirmation, while the other struggles with vulnerability or expresses love differently. These mismatched expectations can lead to frustration, loneliness, and unmet desires.

The Quran reminds us of the importance of clarity and sincerity in our words and actions: “O you who have believed, fear Allah and speak words of appropriate justice.”2 Entering marriage with honesty and transparency about our needs and expectations is wise and an act of worship.

2. Unresolved Trauma: The Ghosts That Haunt Relationships

Trauma is a silent force that can weigh heavily on marriages. Whether it stems from childhood experiences, past relationships, or hardships endured within the marriage itself, unresolved trauma often manifests in ways that erode intimacy and trust.

In our work as Imams, we encounter couples who struggle with deep-seated pain they may not even realize they carry. For example, one partner may have grown up in a household marked by neglect or emotional unavailability. Without healing, they might unconsciously recreate those dynamics in their marriage, either by withdrawing emotionally or by seeking constant reassurance. Prophet Muhammad ﷺ encouraged us to address their struggles and seek solutions: “Indeed, Allah has sent down the disease and the cure, and He has made for every disease a cure. So seek treatment.”3

Other times, the trauma occurs within the marriage itself—infidelity, financial betrayal, or patterns of emotional neglect. I recall one case where a couple came to us after years of tension. The husband had grown up without a father, and though he was determined not to repeat those patterns, he often could not understand his wife. On the other hand, his wife had experienced betrayal in a past relationship and struggled to trust him fully. Together, their unhealed wounds created a cycle of conflict and withdrawal that neither knew how to escape.

The key to breaking this cycle is recognizing that healing is an individual journey as much as a collective one. As Imams, we encourage couples to seek therapy, not just for the marriage but for themselves. It’s not about “fixing” one another but creating a space where both partners can grow, heal, and support each other. Without that effort, trauma often becomes the silent thread unraveling the relationship.

3. Growing Apart: When Love Changes Over Time

Not every divorce stems from conflict or trauma. Sometimes, it’s simply a matter of two people growing in different directions. This is perhaps the hardest reason to accept because it lacks the clarity of a specific “wrong.” Instead, it reflects the reality that people change—and not always in ways that align with one another.

Our community often sees this dynamic in couples who have been married for ten or more years. They shared dreams and values early on, but their paths diverged over the years. One partner might develop a passion for activism or personal growth, while the other finds joy in a quieter, more predictable life. Neither is at fault, but the distance between them grows, making it harder to sustain the connection they once shared.

This process of “growing apart” doesn’t happen overnight. Often, it begins with subtle shifts—moments of disconnection that seem minor in isolation but accumulate over time. Perhaps one partner cannot express their needs, fearing rejection or misunderstanding. Maybe the other is too distracted by work, personal stress, or other responsibilities to notice the growing distance.

Like all aspects of life, relationships can be tests of patience and understanding. The Quran acknowledges this, “And We have made some of you as a trial for others—will you have patience? And your Lord is ever Seeing.”4

While some couples find ways to adapt through honest dialogue and mutual effort, others discover the chasm between them is larger than they can traverse or requires more than they are willing to commit to. Even in such moments, Islam encourages us to act with Ihsan (spiritual excellence) and fairness. The Quran commands, “Indeed, Allah commands you to render trusts to whom they are due and when you judge between people to judge with justice.”5

Lessons from the Trenches: What Divorce Teaches Us About Marriage

The rising divorce rates in our community are a sobering reality, but they also offer valuable insights. They remind us of the importance of intentionality in relationships—of marrying for the right reasons, addressing our personal wounds, and embracing the growth that comes with time.

As Imams, we are here to help. Whether through premarital counseling, guiding couples through difficulties, or simply offering a listening ear, our goal is to provide support and clarity. We often tell couples that the earlier they seek help for problems as they arise, the better their chances of resolving them. Ignoring or delaying these issues often allows them to fester, making resolution more difficult.

While we encourage couples to develop independence and resilience within their relationship, seeking external support is not a sign of failure. There is no shame in asking for help. It takes courage to admit when things aren’t working and to seek guidance from those who can offer perspective and tools for healing.

We are only responsible for our own actions and striving for excellence—not anyone else’s. Regardless of the circumstance, we must act with Ihsan and keep a long-term vision. The Quran reassures those facing the pain of separation: “But if they separate, Allah will enrich each [of them] from His abundance. And ever is Allah Encompassing and Wise.”6 If children are involved, their well-being must be the foremost concern. Children watch and listen to everything we do and say, absorbing lessons about love, respect, and conflict. They deserve to witness kindness and dignity, even in moments of difficulty.

Divorce is painful, but it’s not the end of the story. As we see daily in our community, it can also be a step toward growth, healing, and a deeper understanding of what it means to love and be loved. By striving for Ihsan and considering the greater picture—especially when children are involved—we can transform a painful experience into a path of renewal and hope.

May Allah bless our marriages with love, understanding, and compassion. May He guide us to fulfill our roles as spouses with sincerity and patience. For those struggling, may Allah grant healing, wisdom, and the strength to overcome challenges. And for those facing separation, may Allah provide peace, closure, and opportunities for growth. Ameen.

Ultimately, with Allah is success.

To explore the journey of healing and rediscovering purpose in the aftermath of separation, read more in Life After Divorce.

Everyone wants to be loved, to the extent that many frequently succumb to sufficing with lust. Love is hard, only proven through time and strife, and (with the proper intention) is a spiritual endeavor, whereas lust is quick and exclusively emotional. If we are not careful, we can mistake lust’s intensity for love, short-changing our potential to experience the true gift of love that gives us emotional fulfillment and deepens our connection with Allah.

True love is a beautiful dance. As Malcolm described it, “With really good partners, all you need is just the push-pull suggestion. They glide nearly effortlessly, even off the floor and into the air, and your little solo maneuver is done on the floor before they land, when they join you, whirling, right in step.”1 It is not something you can force; you move with the music (i.e., life) as the rhythm changes. Lust, on the other hand, because of its ephemeral nature, naturally orients us to seek control and sustain it; sometimes, holding onto its intensity at any cost, we belittle or circumvent principles—personal or Shar’i (religiously legislated). Neglecting the Wali’s (consenting guardian’s) involvement before and during the courting phase is among the most insidious, especially for our sisters.

Women today have more opportunities than ever before, Al-Humdulillah. From these opportunities, women are highly educated (more likely than men to have a four-year college degree) and are working more than ever before. Women live, making wise decisions independently without men daily, and the figurative wheels have yet to fall off the car. Because of this, some may question the modern-day practicality of Islam’s necessitating a Wali for women (specifically in marriage); perhaps some even view it as superficial, if not antiquated and obsolete. 

Nevertheless, every month, it seems I have a sister schedule an appointment who yearns for love to the point where she either (a) wants to marry a non-Muslim man or (b) is rushing/rushed to marry someone she will/now regrets. This is heartbreaking as an imam, but even more so as a Girl-dad, because there does seem to be more of a drought for good men. As a community, we need good, strong men for our sisters to marry and men who will fulfill their amanah (trust) of being a Wali in the interim.

Despite some traditionally held Fiqhi (legal) positions allowing women to marry without a Wali, this paper is a heartfelt caution against it.

Background Context

“How did this happen to me?” is the repeated question the sisters mentioned above ask somewhat rhetorically. “We asked each other hundreds of questions, but here we are.” This question is not where the conversation ever starts, but typically, it comes up somewhere around the halfway point. 

Unfortunately, this isn’t my first rodeo; I have been here before. The answer is simple, but I cannot dismiss their emotions. These amazing practicing sisters are genuinely in love with their husbands but, at the same time, have a heavy conscience—they know what they need to do, yet feel culturally trapped because of the real and horrible impact divorce has on women. I pause for a while, recollecting my thoughts, and gingerly answer their question with the hard truth,2 “You fell in love, had some traumatic experiences in your past, and sought to do the right thing by getting married, but had little to no male involvement.” Every single sister confirms. 

By no means do I believe that male involvement would have absolutely prevented these sisters' impending divorces, but hindsight is 20:20. To avoid these circumstances, where our sisters find themselves searching for an escape from their marriages just a few months, sometimes days, after their nikah (wedding), both genders must understand the importance of a Wali’s role.

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The definition of a Wali can be found extensively in fiqh books. The Wali is the woman’s representative and guardian. His sole responsibility, particularly regarding marriage, is to protect the woman’s interests. As men are biologically stronger than women and uniquely understand how other men think, the Wali protects and ensures her physical safety and honor. He also seeks to protect her spiritually and emotionally, ensuring the potential groom is a compatible suitor. 

Assessing Compatibility

The Wali is essential in assessing whether or not the husband has the necessary core competencies for the sister he is responsible for. His ability to assess a brother will be determined by her specific needs, and not arbitrarily. Therefore, he must take his role seriously, starting with understanding who she is and what her needs are and then investigating into the brother, because the negative ramifications of anything else are severe and potentially impact generations to come. 

When the Wali begins investigating a brother, he must consult those who know him. It is a pivotal way to corrobroate what he learned independently, gaining access to people who’s perspectives he does not have. This is why who he serves as a reference for the brother cannot be just anyone. I recently discovered this when a beloved friend asked if I could be a character reference for a potential bride's father. Although a great honor, providing a character reference for someone is tough for me because I find myself stuck between two truths—I cannot offer false testimony but also I worry about about breaking someone’s heart because of the weight my position in the community has. I frequently reflect on the Hadith, “There should be neither harming nor reciprocating harm.”3 Being a character reference is an amanah (trust), and my answers directly impact both the questioner and the one being asked about. 

Not only should the Wali interview—I think their interview should be more of a subtle extended interrogation, but I digress—the potential suitor, but they should also ask for references. In the past, fathers simply asked me how I knew the brother and what I could say about him, and the conversation wouldn’t last more than 15 minutes. But this father was different, and I was amazed by his wisdom and thoughtfulness. I even told him, “Uncle, as the father of young daughters, I am learning a lot from you.” The summary of what I learned from my experience with this uncle is, as the aphorism goes, “Asking the right question is half the answer.”

1. Verification: Who are you asking?

When I first got on the call, the father graciously spoke to me but did not waste time with formalities and got straight to business. He told me, “When Umar b. Al-Khattab heard someone praising someone he said, ‘Have you traveled with him? Have you interacted with him in business or otherwise?’4 So, how do you know how the brother?”

This makes a good point: is this person worthy of being a good character reference? So often, I’m asked to be a character reference for people where the extent of our relationship stops at exchanging Salams and niceties. I am NOT a good reference for these folks; usually, the Imam isn’t. We typically don’t have deep relationships with most of our congregations by the nature of our roles. So, if the goal is to ascertain if this person would be a suitable suitor, we first need to know what qualities we are trying to assess. Then, and only then, will our questions be detailed, specific, and directed.

2. Skip The Good:

After passing the preliminary verification question, Uncle said, “I have observed the brother in public and know many of his good qualities. Would you please inform me of his negative qualities?”

During the courting process, it is easy to get caught up in feelings—the hope for and feelings of love—even for others other than ourselves. Marriage is an emotional process, but we want to ensure our emotions do not blind us; therefore, we must be as pragmatic as possible. If we’ve gotten to the point where we’re doing reference checks on the person, that should indicate that we like them and, therefore, know good qualities about them. Skip the good and focus on the things that may present problems now and in the future.

3. Assessing the Suitor’s Character:

When instructing us on whom to pick as a spouse, the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ did not only mention their religiosity; he ﷺ said, “When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with proposes to (someone under the care) of one of you, then marry to him.”5 This is particularly important today when religion plays a lesser role in our lives than it did previously. When religion (and cultural expectations) are more significant, people may be more inclined to “push through” the difficulties of marriage. Because that is no longer the case, ensuring character compatibility is paramount. 

Some potential questions to consider:

• Is he reliable and trustworthy—can he be counted on to keep his word and fulfill his obligations?

• How does he manage stress or difficult situations—does he maintain composure, or does he tend to crumble under pressure?

• How does he handle conflict—does he tend to be patient, or does he get angry easily?

• Is he resentful or hold grudges?

These are all things that can, and (from my pastoral experience) frequently do, cause friction in a marriage. Furthermore, these things can impede a couple’s ability to grow beyond the challenges in their relationship.

4. Evaluating Family and Relationship Dynamics:

As the saying goes, “You don't just marry the person; you marry into a family.” The suitor may be amazing, but the family’s dynamic should also be considered because this is another common friction point between spouses. Although this may not be something previously experienced by the suitor, it is the responsibility of each spouse to mediate and manage their own family. This is only increased when there are cultural differences between the bride and groom. Therefore, you should assess for the following:

• Do you think he can balance his aspirations with his family obligations?

• Do you think he will prioritize his wife’s needs over his love for his mother?

5. Observations on Interactions with Others:

• Have you seen him interact with women?

• Is he respectful in his interactions, regardless of the circumstances, specifically with women?

• Do you think he will respond arrogantly if a woman has a valid point, and is he open to being corrected or receiving feedback from women?

• Could his friendly nature towards others, particularly women, create misunderstandings or jealousy in the marriage?

6. Suitor’s Commitment and Maturity:

• Is he financially responsible?

• Is he emotionally mature, and does he demonstrate maturity in his decision-making and emotional responses?

• Is he committed to a lifelong partnership? Does he understand the seriousness of marriage and the commitment it entails?

7. Personal and Religious Conduct:

• Does he uphold his religious obligations—prayers, fasting, etc.?

• Has he shown a consistent effort to stay away from major sins and harmful behaviors such as substance abuse, gambling, or inappropriate relationships?

8. Social and Community Standing:

• Does he have a good reputation among his peers and within the community?

• Does he contribute positively to the community through charitable work or other community activities?

It’s Never Too Late

If you recently wed, sisters or brothers (because brothers sometimes also avoid shura (consultation) and put ourselves in unfortunate undesirable circumstances), and realize you may have moved hastily through the courting process, my advice is to exhaust your means with your spouse. Divorce is a very final process, and the mere mention of it can have profoundly negative effects. That does not mean we should be complacent or let things persist unhealthily, but we should be thoughtful and wise.

As the proverb goes, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. You married your spouse because of something you saw in them. If I were a betting man, I would bet there was a point you even loved them. So, what has changed? What series of events—because it is almost always a compilation of events and not just one—led you to feel the way you are now? Getting caught up and carried away in our negative feelings is easy, but we must triage the problem and ensure our diagnosis is correct. Otherwise, with a misdiagnosis, the prescription will not be effective. 

I strongly recommend speaking to a wise, trusted, and unbiased third party, preferably someone with specific training, to help mediate these problems. The goal should be to assess the possibility of Islaah (reconciliation) and how to move beyond the challenges and grow into a fruitful partnership. Often, in these early stages of marriage, there is not enough trust built between the spouses to navigate these challenges effectively without being reactionary, so a third party is supremely helpful. 

Ultimately, things may be untenable. In that case, the Wali is important here as well. The husband must understand the wife has a marji’ (reference) she’s a part of. He needs to realize that even if she does not want to continue with the relationship (or is fighting to stay in the relationship), as he married in an acceptable manner, he must “release [her] with good treatment.”6 Furthermore, he must know there are people to ensure the wife’s best interests are cared for. Of course, this should not be a means of abuse or manipulation on the side of the wife, as it also happens, but to ensure justice is served. 

Conclusion

In conclusion, the role of the Wali remains vital in safeguarding the well-being of women seeking marriage, even in a time when women are more educated and independent than ever before. While the changing societal landscape may lead some to question the relevance of traditional practices, the real-life experiences shared by sisters who find themselves in painful marital situations reinforce the importance of male involvement in ensuring a thoughtful, balanced approach to marriage. The Wali’s role goes beyond mere tradition; it serves as a protective measure to ensure compatibility and preserve women's physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being.

In the rush to fulfill the human need for love, many overlook the deeper considerations that sustain a marriage over time. The Wali’s responsibility, along with an honest and thorough assessment of a potential spouse, is to prevent impulsive decisions that could lead to lifelong regret. Marriage is not just an emotional bond but a serious commitment requiring patience, wisdom, and foresight. By consulting trusted individuals and reflecting on the potential spouse's character, families can better ensure that marriages start with a solid foundation, minimizing the risk of future pain and disillusionment.

Ultimately, the Wali’s involvement is not an outdated formality but a crucial aspect of ensuring the long-term success and health of marriages within the community.

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This summer, we finished reading “The Chapter of Marriage” from Ibn Quddama’s (d. 620 /1223) Mukhtasr Minhaj Al-Qasidin with predominantly college-age shabab (youth), by Allah’s grace and mercy. The chapter is broken into two parts to allow for an exhaustive Q&A .

In the first segment, we discuss the intention of marriage (practically and spiritually), impediments to marriage, and ways of good cohabitation.

In the second segment, continuing the discussion on good cohabitations, we cover the responsibilities of husbands and wives.

Read the previous papers I wrote regarding marriage:

• Early Marriage?
  This paper aims to provide some advice for young people considering marriage and their families who are inescapably involved in the process.

• Husband Core Competencies
  The following paper is written to provide (a) men, especially young men, with guiding principles and (b) women with information about what to look for in a potential husband, InshaAllah.

• The Wali: Why His Role Still Matters
  As women grow more independent, the Wali’s role in Muslim marriages remains crucial, ensuring compatibility and safeguarding emotional and spiritual well-being.

• Muhammad Ali: The Humble Servant Leader
  This paper defines the Quranic concept of “qiwama”.

• Halal Rizz
  This paper provides guidance for brothers seeking to start the courting process, InshaAllah (God willing), and exploring a Halal “rizz.”

• Parenting: Gardening, not Engineering
  A metaphor to orient our parental leadership style more toward God and less toward ourselves.

• The Masjid: Kids + Uncles
  With the masjid at the center of the American Muslim community, we must identify and adopt masjid etiquettes rooted in our tradition that applies to each demographic.

It may be just my community, but young marriages are on the rise. In the last ninety days, three couples twenty-four years old or younger got married—I have four others I am advising in the courting phase—and I absolutely love it. I recognize my bias, as I got married young, but I genuinely think marrying young is far preferable to waiting. There are always sacrifices in every transaction; the more prepared you are, the higher your chance of success. For example, I first got married at nineteen years old, had no clue about the requirements of me as a man, and after less than a year of living together, we were planning for divorce; compared to when I remarried at twenty-two, I at least knew what I did not want, and that continues to motivate me until today (going on thirteen years later, Al-Humdulillah). This paper aims to provide some advice for young people considering marriage and their families who are inescapably involved in the process.

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Yay or nay?

Marriage is a collectivistic endeavor; it is impossible to do alone. Each spouse must be flexible for the union’s healthy growth because they will inherently sacrifice and consent to things for their spouse's sake. With the increase of age, we become more settled in our ways, and the likelihood of change (sacrifice and acquiescence) decreases. Furthermore, the chances of traumatic interpersonal conflicts increase as we age. Thus, marrying young increases our statistical chances of having a successful marriage because we are more resilient and have less baggage.

There is no right or wrong answer and everyone’s circumstances will determine what is good for them and what is not. We are all trying our best. However, before deciding if early marriage is feasible for a couple, they must assess themselves individually. After that, I think marrying young is a beautiful thing that should be encouraged. The remainder of this paper is about things we should consider to increase the chances of success, InshaAllah (God willing).

Couples

Humility is a prerequisite to learning.2 Not only is every relationship an opportunity for self-exploration but the younger we are, the more we learn. Recognizing this is extremely important for young couples because they are inexperienced in navigating relationships and less aware of themselves. As my grandmother would say, “What you don’t know could create another world.”

Social Support

An interesting fact I noticed about the three couples (that married within the last ninety days), and two of the three I am advising, is that they plan to live with their families. Sometimes, only one family and sometimes bouncing around between the two in-laws, but they are using their social support net as an opportunity to get on their feet financially (and one couple never plans on living alone). Young couples should not enter a marriage trying to do everything alone unnecessarily. Humility means recognizing that we will all need support at some point, which is fine and expected. 

Something beautiful I saw abroad was the tribal collaborative support for young couples—multiple people added to whatever the groom saved to complete his mahr (dowry), others purchased furniture, and everyone gave gifts. In some Somali weddings, this support extends to attendees, with the groom’s tribe distributing monetary gifts. Unfortunately, our American social dynamic no longer provides this type of tribal collaborative support; therefore, necessitating complete financial self-sufficiency delays access to marriage. 

There should be zero stigma for young couples depending on their families in the early stages of their marriage. It should be encouraged. However, the couple should discuss family involvement exhaustively during the courting process. For example, what is the long-term plan, to remain cohabitating with in-laws or to move into your own place eventually? What metrics will determine readiness (e.g., finances, time, turmoil, etc.) if so? This process helps ensure no one is caught off guard and sets expectations.

Family Connection

From my anecdotal experience and the testification of others, being immersed in our new in-law family early on has a massive return on investment. Undoubtedly, it will be awkward and probably uncomfortable, but it is an excellent learning opportunity to understand the social environment your spouse grew up in. This knowledge plants seeds for compassion and empathy that may be extremely difficult or impossible to achieve without it. Seeing firsthand that your mother-in-law is a dictator, your father-in-law is emotionally unavailable, or your brother-in-law struggles with all his relationships, for example, allows you to understand your spouse's family dynamic and begin to have empathy that, without this knowledge, would be very difficult. 

Many factors outside our control determine our connection with our in-laws (e.g., each member independently, the social environment they grew up in and their subsequent expectations, and then the influence they have on each other). Trying our best to be respectful is our sole responsibility. But because they are family, we cannot treat them like ordinary people who have zero rights and connections with us. Therefore, we must hold our standard of adab (decorum) with our family at an elevated standard. 

You can see this when IbnQuddama (d. 620 /1223) speaks about hosting in Mukhtasr Minhaj Al-Qasidin, “From the adab of hosting is that you intend to invite the righteous, not the immoral … and one should intend the impoverished, not the wealthy. Do not neglect your relatives in the invitation because neglecting them is deplorable and cutting kinship ties.”3 Here, IbnQuddama presents a different level of discernment for our family members. Despite their religious observance or socioeconomic level, they have status; otherwise, he would not have distinguished them from others. 

Remove Expectations

One of my favorite sayings is, “Expectation is the mother of disappointment.” Because of our romanticized ideals about marriage and what it will look like, we come into our relationships full of expectations, which almost inevitably lead to disappointment. Expectations are the preconceived ideals we hold about something. They are frequently the reason couples schedule marriage counseling appointments. It is unfortunate too, because expectations are entirely internal, unknown to the rest of the world, and often even to ourselves.

Harvill Hendrix said in his book Getting The Love You Want: A Guide for Couples,

Far more important than these conscious or semiconscious expectations are the unconscious ones people bring to their love relationships, and the primary one is that their partners, the ones they’ve winnowed out of long lists of candidates, are going to love them the way their parents never did. Their partners are going to do it all—satisfy unmet childhood needs, complement lost-self parts, nurture them in a consistent and loving way, and be eternally available to them. These are the same expectations that fueled the excitement of romantic love, but now there is less of a desire to reciprocate. After all, people don’t enter into relationships to take care of their partner’s needs—they do so to further their own psychological and emotional growth. Once a relationship seems secure, a psychological switch is triggered deep in the old brain that activates all the latent infantile wishes. It is as if the wounded child within takes over. Says the child, “I’ve been good enough long enough to ensure that this person is going to stay around for a while. Let’s see the payoff.” So the two partners take a big step back from each other and wait for the dividends of togetherness to start rolling in.4

The more we can remove our expectations, the more resilient we will be when challenges arise. The reality is that challenges are an inevitable part of the human condition, and when another person is introduced into the equations, they increase exponentially. Hence, it is far easier to marry than to stay married. While there is no escaping challenges, we can triage (via introspection or a counselor) if our challenges come from expectations and choose how to respond to them. These choices directly impact our future.

Communication

Hypothetically, suppose we were to marry our twin. Misunderstandings and communication challenges are still unavoidable, even for someone who shares the same DNA and grew up in the same environment as us. For someone with multiple degrees of separation and differences in cultural and familial atmosphere, the likelihood increases; therefore, if mature communication is vital during the courting phase, it only grows in importance once married. Dr. John Gottman, of the famous Gottam Institute, conducted research where he was able to predict divorce with ninety percent accuracy over six years within three minutes based on data for husbands and wives on how a couple communicates.5 Furthermore, after humility, healthy communication is the underlying connector of all the abovementioned issues—with families and between spouses.

The husband and wife’s bond takes precedence over either spouse's connection with their families and in-laws. This does not allow us to disrespect our families, but the couple must be on the same page. Their ability to communicate emotions and expectations and navigate challenges healthily is the foundation of their relationship and their ability to maintain a relationship with their respective families. Each spouse functions as the mediator between their family and their spouse, not literally, trying to find a mutual understanding for both sides, but de-escalating emotions and creating empathy. Unless it is a significant point of contention, I suggest avoiding directly addressing your spouse's points of contention with your family. Because there usually is no rush or possibility to “resolve” the challenge, take your time and find a subtle way to hint at the challenge that will not threaten your family or shame your spouse. 

Parents

When it comes to the responsibility of parenting, I think of where Jesus (‘alayhi salam—peace be upon him) said, “From everyone to whom much has been given, much will be required, and from the one to whom much has been entrusted, even more will be demanded.”6 Children are a gift that not everyone has, and equally, a test that Allah will hold us to account. Earning Allah’s pleasure through nurturing them should be our number one priority, although our priorities are often reduced to merely the material—seeing our children’s success. As I concluded in an earlier paper on parenting, “Pragmatically speaking, we must recognize the extent of our abilities and exert ourselves [as parents]. Our children are not little projects of raw material to engineer into whatever we have always wished for them; rather, they are delicate flowers gifted to us by God to care for.” 

Let go

We have to remember that we are the amalgamation of our experiences. Thinking back to our earlier days, what mistakes did we make, and how did those mistakes help shape who we are today? If we are honest, we are better because of some of those mistakes and the subsequent fallout. As much as it may pain us, we cannot prevent them from having their own experiences and charting their lives. 

Guide

The role we play in our children's lives shifts as they grow older, especially once they marry, from a role that was once an authoritative parent to more advisory. That transition typically is difficult for both parties, stretching the boundaries well beyond what is comfortable and familiar. Although it may be painful to see our children make mistakes we know how to solve, we must resist the temptation to force an outcome. We try to provide our children with the scaffolding that will yield success, but sometimes, our advice and involvement are unwelcome. In those cases, we turn to Allah in dua (supplication).

Bachelordom

Remember, as I advise my own children, 

Your purpose in life is to worship Allah, not get married. Marriage is only a means to accomplish the ultimate goal. Where we find our rizq is completely unknown to us; all we can do is, “strive for that which will benefit you, seek the help of Allah, and do not feel helpless,” as the Prophet ﷺ said.8 If you do not marry, because of circumstances or personal choice, it doesn’t make you any less of a [person], nor should it stop you from pursuing other goals.

Unfortunately, pursuing other goals does not resolve the biological challenges of bachelordom, as marriage does not resolve temptation. 

Avoid Stimuli

It behooves us, those who are married and especially those who are not, to avoid lustful stimulation vigilantly. Although those will differ from person to person, they are physical and emotional stimuli. For example, the Prophet ﷺ instructed those of us who are not able to marry to fast, physically restricting what enters our stomachs because “it will be a restraint.” Imam Al-Ghazali (d. 505/1111) said 

You must – and may Allah grant you success – protect your stomach and rectify it … This is because it is the fountainhead and source; from it all the states of the other limbs come to be: strength and weakness, abstinence (ʿiffah) and willfulness (jimāḥ), and so forth. Therefore, you must firstly safeguard it against the unlawful and the doubtful and secondly against going to excess with regards to the lawful, if your intention and desire is to worship Allah the Exalted.9

While physical stimuli are the most obvious—e.g., avoiding being around the opposite gender or around things that enflame desires—emotional stimuli are more insidious. We must guard our hearts because what we expose ourselves to emotionally impacts our thought processes and permeates to our actions. The Prophet ﷺ said, “There is a piece of flesh in the body if it becomes good (reformed) the whole body becomes good, but if it gets spoilt the whole body gets spoilt and that is the heart.”10 

Stay Busy

Everything has a sacrifice. One of my Quran teachers jokingly told me, “Every single man wishes he were married, and every married man wishes he were single.” That said, something being unmarried has is a surplus of time. We need to laser-focus our intentions and ensure our time management aligns with our priorities because, as the proverb goes, “Idle hands are the Devil’s workshop.” The Prophet ﷺ said, “Take advantage of five before five: your youth before your old age, your health before your illness, your riches before your poverty, your free time before your work, and your life before your death.”11

Conclusion

Putting the fact that we are living in an unprecedented level of immorality in modern times to the side, despite my first marriage ending in divorce, I am unabashedly pro-marrying early. It allows malleable young couples to grow together as one unit, and social support helps facilitate that process. Young couples must humble themselves to establish new healthy boundaries with each other and their families by removing expectations and establishing healthy communication styles. Parents must also recognize that they play a role in their children’s maturation, transitioning from an authoritarian to an advisor. Regardless of whether Allah blesses us to get married young or blesses us differently, we should all avoid stimuli that inflame our desires and strive to remain busy with things that please Allah. 

And, ultimately, with Allah is all success!

Here are some other papers I wrote on the topic of marriage and family:

• Halal Rizz

  This paper provides guidance for brothers seeking to start the courting process, InshaAllah (God willing).
  

• Husband Core Competencies

  This paper was written intending to provide: (a) men, especially young men, with guiding principles and (b) women information to look for in a potential husband, InshaAllah.
  

• Parenting: Gardening, not Engineering

  A metaphor to orient our parental leadership style more toward God and less toward ourselves.

When it comes to gender interactions, the American Muslim community is really weird. We, particularly the men, have somehow developed a schizophrenic-esque modus operandi. With Becky NonMuslim, we are normal and friendly without any inhibitions, but with Fatima Muslimah, we manifest a combination of delusions and disordered behavior that impairs our daily functioning.1 While this creates a series of problems, it culminates to a head when the brothers desire to get married. This paper provides guidance for brothers seeking to start the courting process, InshaAllah (God willing), and exploring a Halal “rizz.”

“Rizz” is a new colloquial word, abbreviated from “charisma,” that GenZ and GenAlpha (i.e., anyone born after 1995) use to describe one’s ability to attract the opposite sex. Before even delving into what that practically looks like for Muslims, the first step begins with questioning why they even start.

The Preseason

Philosophical Orientation

The foundation of marriage and the family system that supported it in Premodern and Early Modern times has been completely undermined. David Brooks wrote, “The shift from bigger and interconnected extended families to smaller and detached nuclear families ultimately led to a familial system that liberates the rich and ravages the working class and the poor.”3 Extended families' financial, social, and moral support now falls exclusively on the couple. Furthermore, because of the nuclear family’s detachment from extended family, we grow up disconnected from traditional wisdom and cultural knowledge—how to be a spouse and parent. 

In The Masjid: Kids + Uncles, I highlighted how “we are told by certain psychologists and sociologists that … the family has progressed from institution to companionship.”4 This “progression” erodes the foundation of the family system, shifting from being the fountain of love and safety for the entire collective to being a burden on the individual. So, now, for our generation (Millenials onward), family is viewed from a narcissistic lens— a burdensome enterprise that is there to serve our needs. 

If we do not recognize the shortsightedness of our modern perspective of marriage and family, we will be doomed to perpetuate the current social statistics—we are more lonely,5 get married later in life,6 and have fewer children.7 Men, in particular, must recognize and embrace our role in the family as servant leaders (a concept I extrapolated on in Muhammad Ali: The Humble Servant Leader and Husband Core Competencies) if there is any hope of success. This perspective starts before embarking on a journey to get married. As IbnAtaillah said, “He who is illuminated at the beginning is illuminated at the end.”8

Readiness

Readiness, or preparedness, is a subjective concept that has become a popular point of discussion for both men and women (i.e., what is required and what is desired). Unfortunately, it often feeds into unfounded expectations (e.g., that 25-year-olds should be making six figures or have six-pack abs) that cripple young men into paralyzing anxiety and indecision. For marriage readiness, young men must consider three focus areas: maturity, finances, and familial expectations.

    Maturity 

Marriage is not having a glorified friend with benefits. Harville Hendrix said, “Marriage is not a static state between two unchanging people. Marriage is a psychological and spiritual journey that begins in the ecstasy of attraction, meanders through a rocky stretch of self-discovery, and culminates in the creation of an intimate, joyful, lifelong union.”9 We must understand that marriage is not plug-and-play. Even if we were to marry our first cousin who grew up the same, living next door in our small village, there would be differences that inevitably come up; so, what about someone who is far further in connection and familiarity? Hence, we must be mature in our outlook on marriage. It is a lifelong union built through “a rocky stretch of self-discovery.” The better we understand this, the more practical our expectations, and the less likely we are to become disappointed.

    Finances

Although in Husband Core Competencies, I argued that there are characteristics (dependability, having aspirations, and emotional intelligence) whose importance can supersede finances, the reality is that financially providing for the family is the husband’s responsibility and obligation in Islam. I believe the metric for financial marriage readiness is one’s ability to sustain oneself. The Prophet ﷺ said, “Food for one (person) suffices two.”10 Everything additional is supererogatory.

This is especially important for young men to recognize. By necessity, you are in the beginning stages of your career, and it is unreasonable to have the expectations of someone more senior. So, while we must ensure our bases are covered and honestly communicate the status of our finances when that courting stage arises, this should not be a point of anxiety. If a sister is not content with our financial status, we should move on to the next one. I do not intend to be callous, but our rizq (provisions) is in Allah’s control. Even if we had Elon Musk’s bank account, Allah could decree that we lose it all tomorrow. Our responsibility is to learn from our experiences and those around us to exhaust our means now, but ultimately, the results are Allah’s. 

    Family Expectations

Under normal circumstances, we are not getting married alone. Our families are involved, and their opinions matter. That being the case, we should understand their expectations before we even begin speaking with anyone to set reasonable expectations for ourselves and what to look for.

We should start trying to understand our family’s expectations as early as possible, not when we have the girl of our dreams we are ready to marry. Ideally, it happens over many conversations, and both parties, you and your family, thoroughly understand each other. When that seems impossible, we should consider using a trusted and respected third party as a mediator. Regardless, our family is objectively ours and wants our best interests (under normal circumstances). Therefore, they should not be sacrificed for something subjective, such as a potential spouse. In the worst-case scenario (divorce), God forbid, we will always have our families to fall back on. 

Nonnegotiables

Once we have assessed our family’s expectations, we must discern our nonnegotiables—the must-haves and red flags we are unwilling to waive. They should be a minimal short list of fundamental things. If our list of nonnegotiables is exhaustive, or more than 10, then we probably have some things that, if pushed, we would be willing to negotiate. Therefore, they would not be nonnegotiable, but cautionary flags should be noted and considered, especially if many have accumulated.

Recognizing our nonnegotiables is a critical preseason phase because they set the criteria for whether or not someone is worth inquiring about. This requires honest introspection of what we deem necessary to us. Remember, as Hendrix said, the goal is the “creation of an intimate, joyful, lifelong union,” so we start with our most fundamental qualities and then interrogate what qualities best suit our disposition. Often, especially when we do not have prior experience with the opposite gender, we can begin by looking at the people closest to us, both male and female. But there is zero point in looking into someone if we lack self-awareness.

Further, if they do not have our necessities, there is no point in continuing the conversation. That is not an indictment of the person but a recognition that you are not a good fit for them. Nevertheless, we will discuss how to disengage or reject someone later. 

Perspective

Spiritual

Islamic spirituality is the harmonizing of our internal (beliefs and emotions) with our external (physical and social behaviors).11 Internally, we believe Allah is Al-Razaq (the Provider) and Al-Muhaymin (the Overseer) of all things—the ultimate result in His control. Marriage is no different. Only He knows who our spouse is and when Allah will grant us her; thus, we must keep our faith and never lose hope in Allah’s mercy.12 Externally, we exhaust our means to be worthy (both spiritually and practically) of a spouse and seeking. Our spiritual mandate is to harmonize the two—believing in Allah’s mercy and simultaneously exhausting our means regardless of the outcome. Allah says in the Quran, “Perhaps you dislike something good for you and like something bad for you. Allah knows, and you do not know.”13

Settling

The last thing to consider before engaging in the courting process is “settling.” It is “to accept or agree to something, or to decide to have something, although it is not exactly what you want or it is not the best.”14 We can only “settle” if the assumption is that we know what is, and is not, best for us; that sentiment is rooted in discontentment in either what we chose, which no one forced upon us, or what Allah gifted us. That is theologically problematic because who we will marry and who is ultimately good or bad for us is entirely from the ghayb (unseen). Moreover, the success and failure of a marriage depend on many factors, many of which are entirely out of our control. The best we can do is exhaust our means of due diligence, make the most educated decision possible, and then leave the rest to Allah.

The “perfect” spouse as we often conceive of her—ultimately acquiescing to our needs and desires and without causing any discomfort—is a figment of our imagination. Perfection will come from both spouses' collective humility and striving to build the family's desire. It will not come easy or quickly, so knowing our nonnegotiables before engaging in marital conversations is essential. Imam Al-Shafi'i said, “Journey to Allah limp and broken, and do not wait for perfection because waiting for perfection is impossible.” 

Scouting Drafts

Assessing

Our engagement with the opposite gender should always be intentionally purposeful. Zina (adultery), and anything that leads to it, is impermissible that Allah calls “... truly a shameful deed and an evil way.”15 However, we must also be careful not to hurt someone else because of our unintentional insensitivity. 

I am all for brothers shooting their shots, but it should be calculated and thoughtful. While this should not have to be said, a young man recently told me he approached a niqabi (face-veiled) sister at university twice because he did not know she was the same person. The Prophet ﷺ said, "A woman is married for four things: wealth, family status, beauty, and religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser.”16

Before we take any steps in approaching a sister, we should ascertain whether she meets our essential criteria beyond beauty and assumptions of righteousness based on external factors. We are looking for a spouse, the mother of our future children, and the matriarch of the familial institution we would like to build. That requires ascertaining whether the sister’s disposition, experience, and origin family will incentivize or hinder our aspirations. 

Approaching

Wingmen

Sayyida Khadijah (radiAllahu ‘anha—Allah be pleased with her) knew the Prophet’s character ﷺ from prior interactions17 and allowed her friend and confidant, Nafisa, to enquire about the Prophet’s desire to wed ﷺ.18 We, too, should strive to take this beautiful example of how the Prophet ﷺ first got to know Sayyida Khadijah and was subsequently approached by Nafisa. We should use a third party whenever interested in approaching a sister.

The third-party wingman’s role is to protect both party’s honor and reputation, so the first step is choosing a worthy wingman. They should be someone trustworthy, whom we believe has our best interest at heart, and who will scout wisely and tactfully. Their approach should be with the most delicate touch possible, starting with the broadest unidentifiable questions possible and gradually working their way in. Let us look at Nafisa’s example with the Prophet ﷺ. 

[Nafisa] came to Muhammad and asked him why he did not marry. “I have not the means to marry,” he answered. “But if thou were given the means, “She said, “and if thou were bidden to an alliance where there is beauty and property and nobility and abundance, wouldst thou not consent?” “Who is she?” he said. “Khadijah,” said [Nafisa]. “And how could such a marriage be mine?” he said. “Leave that to me!” was her answer. “For my part,” he said, “I am willing.”19

She started by asking why he was not married yet and then would accept a general proposal of specific circumstances. Until this point, the Prophet ﷺ did not know who the suitor was and could have rejected the proposal; Nafisa and Khadijah’s honor would have remained wholly protected. Additionally, Nafisa inspired hope and opportunity. Even if the Prophet ﷺ did not recognize the potential for him to marry someone of Khadijah’s status, she said, “Leave that to me!” From my experience—perhaps one party is not currently thinking about marriage or does not see the potential for an accepted proposal—it is common for the wingman to help push through their pessimism. 

Direct Approach

Regardless of whether we are using a third party or directly approaching a sister, we should make our intentions clear from the onset. Courting is no joking matter and, ideally, done with the approval of the sister’s wali (male guardian). So often, sisters complain of brothers, leading them to assume their intentions, only to find the brother backing out when he gets cold feet, disinterested, etc. While an additional hurdle to jump through and inconvenience (from our entitled modern perspective), the wali’s responsibility is to ensure the preservation of the women’s best interests and to create an accountability layer. Once we have identified that we would like to get to know a sister for marriage, we should involve families and each family’s preference. For some, a woman mentioning to her wali she is interested in someone specific would be equivalent to initiating the marriage (not allowing her to get to know the man). In contrast, others prefer to be involved after she has decided. Nevertheless, the earlier families are involved, the better. 

Game Time

In the next phase, after identifying a sister for marriage and getting approval to speak with her, the courting phase begins. This phase is meant to determine whether or not we are compatible with a sister, and that intention to marry should be at the forefront of our minds. It is far more of a rational process than an emotional one. In Husband Core Competencies, I said:

Contrary to popular opinion, I believe chemistry is far less important than compatibility and we place entirely too much value on it. Chemistry is the connection, or “spark,” we feel with someone. Because it is essentially emotional, it is fickle, inevitably changing over time, and makes for a brittle starting position. It is important, but only a piece of the puzzle. The lion’s share of our focus should be on compatibility and the necessary shared values between both spouses. To find out the points of compatibility that are necessary for the spouses, we all need first to look internally to understand who we are and what our nonnegotiables are.

As we begin the courting process, it is important to remember these things.

1. Be Normal

For some reason, I do not know why brothers (especially brothers who consider themselves “religious” or “conservative”) act schizophrenic with Muslim women. Here is an example:

Once, a sister, let’s call her Fatima Muslimah, scheduled a virtual appointment—under an alias and did not turn her camera on to retain her anonymity—to discuss her problem. She did not grow up in a practicing family and was not very close to Islam, in understanding or practice, until she met a brother at the local gym. He would spend hours speaking with her, teaching Fatima about her family's religion, and helping her build a connection with Allah. After Fatima started wearing hijab and attending the local masjid (mosque), she recognized something peculiar: the very brother who gave her dawah (proselytize) would not speak with her or even look her way at the masjid. It seemed hypocritical, and now she was concerned with how this could be Islam. She never wanted a romantic relationship with the brother but did think he was a kind and considerate friend. Why did the brother completely change?

How we conduct ourselves with Muslims inside the community should be no different than how we conduct ourselves outside. Behavioral incongruence is an automatic flag for introspective accountability because Allah is Al-Alim Al-Basir (All-Knowledgeable All-Seeing) and will hold each of us accountable for everything we say and do. Furthermore, when interacting with our sisters, they want us just to be normal. 

Yes, we should be modest in our approach (i.e., in method, disposition, and duration of the engagement should be kept to a limit)—ideally, if the relationship does not materialize, the two adults can go on their separate ways—but brothers seem to act like our sisters have cooties or something. How we interact with the other gender, in general, should be purposeful and not be lustful or flirtatious. That does not change in the courting phase. The togetherness should be to assess compatibility and long-term viability, not fulfill one’s desires.

A metric we can use for “being normal” is how we would interact with our cousins. With non-family women, whatever is deemed culturally acceptable with your cousin, our interactions should be less familiar than that. Every family always has red lines of respect that are not to be crossed, yet interacting with cousins is never cumbersome and weird. Just because there is a possibility to marry Muslim sisters does not mean we should treat them differently than anyone else. Dr. Umar Faruq Abd-Allah said, “We must insist upon the traditional wisdom of Islamic law and deconstruct the counter-cultural paranoia among us. But, if the counter-cultural identity religion unconsciously develops around many of our mosques, schools, homes, and college campuses is not brought under control and redirected, it will imperil the growth of Islam in America."20

2. Public

The Prophet ﷺ said, “No man should be alone with a woman except when there is a mahram21 with her.”22 Thus, meetings—God forbid we refer to them as “dates,” but I digress—should always be in public. Because the purpose of meetings being in public is to prevent illicit behavior, I suggest meeting at places inside a masjid or where Muslims frequent. Unfortunately, we could go to a “meeting” at a public place and engage in illicit behaviors, and no one would care. Ideally, the sister’s mahram is present, but if not, a respected family member. The more levels of accountability there are, the better.

3. Mature Communication

After making your intentions clear from the onset, just be normal. The courting phase is not a one-way interrogation but rather a reciprocal process. Brett and Katie McKcay, authors of The Art of Manliness, said in one of their blog posts,

People want to know who you are; they can’t establish an emotional connection with a stranger. Intimacy excites (and that’s true both platonically and romantically) — there’s no possibility of chemistry without it. If you don’t let your guard down a little, new acquaintances and potential lovers will become put off or bored or both.

So, self-disclosure is a powerful thing and vitally necessary for building interest and intimacy with people.

On the other hand, however, disclosing too much can be unattractive, and off-putting in and of itself. Everyone is familiar with the term “overshare” — how can you avoid falling into that trap?23

They list three principles that are beneficial to courting, and I suggest reading their article for more depth into the points:

• Keep Disclosures Symmetrical

• Gradually Deepen the Conversation in Stages

• Lead With Positivity

Next Steps

Family Involvement

When the courting phase reaches a point where we want to get married, it is time to involve the families. The Prophet ﷺ said, “There is no marriage except with a wali.”24 But this is a delicate process that requires hikma (wisdom). As long as we have been dreaming of the opportunity to marry, our family, particularly our parents, have been dreaming about it longer.  Everyone (the bride, groom, and their families) has expectations, but the goal is to accommodate them all as best as possible. That means negotiating, which means all parties involved will make sacrifices. Marriage is inherently collectivistic, and there is no escaping it, even with the wedding.

Navigating Rejection

Unfortunately, things do not always go as planned, and sometimes, we are the ones with a change of heart, and sometimes it is the other way around. In either case, rejection is never easy, and we should be as delicate as possible. The further the process, the more difficult the break-up will be. Nonetheless, before performing the nikah (wedding), neither party is obliged to the other, and it is better to cut things off now than to get divorced after marriage.

The Heartbreaker

The Prophet ﷺ said, “None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.”25 If we are going to call off an engagement or even stop the courting process, we should do so with as much grace and kindness as possible. That said, it is not graciousness or mercy to prolong a relationship when you know you are uninterested. That hurts people more. The goal should be to end the relationship, not traumatize the other person. 

How far the relationship progressed will be a primary factor in determining how to end it. What is important is that we are honest. While I frequently suggest men frame the breakup in our deficiencies, we cannot say it is because we are not ready for marriage to this sister and then next week approach her best friend. That dishonesty causes more hurt and confusion. 

The Heartbroken 

We must keep moving forward for those on the receiving end, especially us men. As painful as it might be, our mindset should be: (1) Inna Lillahi wa Inna Elayhi Rajioon (from Allah we come and to Him, we shall return),26 (2) what can I learn from this experience about myself, (3) how can what I learned from this experience inform what I look for in the future, (4) on to the next one. 

Point 1: This is not to be callus, but we should strive never to forget that all things are in Allah’s control. “Perhaps you dislike something good for you and like something bad for you. Allah knows, and you do not know.”27

Points 2–3: It is always in our best interest to focus on what is within our sphere of influence. We can learn much from every situation, including the less favorable circumstances. As soon as we begin hyper-fixating on everything the other person did to upset us, we stop growing and remain disappointed longer.

Point 4: We are not looking to rebound, but if we have theologically and practically processed the series of events that lead up to the breakup, why stew on it? She was not written for you, so move on. Guys who cannot move on despite their intentions appear creepy and worrisome.

Conclusion

Marriage is a means to earn Allah’s pleasure, not the ultimate goal itself, and we must not forget that. If we are blessed to get married, young or old, it is a responsibility, and Allah will question us about it; if we are blessed differently and unable to get married, it is a responsibility, and Allah will question us about it. While the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ encouraged us to marry and to try and do so young, it does not make those who do not or cannot less pious, respected, or valuable in the sight of Allah. 

As our community navigates gender relations and young people struggle to get married, we have to remember to be three simple things: sincere, normal, and honorable. At the end of the day, we can confidently stand in front of Allah, knowing our rizz was Halal.

And, ultimately, with Allah is all success!

One hot Makkan morning on my way to class a Bedouin taxi driver told me, “There’s no person in the dunya (world) who we genuinely want to outdo us, besides a child.” I don’t think I had children at that time, but it always stuck with me. Our innate desire for our children to be successful, more so than ourselves, is a desire that frequently motivates our decision and triggers our fears. Our children are these tiny human beings, full of heartwarming joy, we’re responsible for. A part of the unique blessing and test of this God-given amanah (trust) is the fact that it didn’t come with a manual. If we knew of a place that distributed magical duas ensuring a righteous successful future for our children we would form a mazar and line up in circles to receive it. So, how do we negotiate the tension between our limited control over our children’s future and the monumental amanah we are entrusted with, both socially and religiously?

Even the prophets faced challenges in raising their children. Allah brings this in the Quran from multiple perspectives: Prophet Nuh (Noah) and his son who, though he was a prophet of God, rejected the truth down to the last moment (something that wasn’t easy for him);1 Prophet Musa (Moses) and his mother when Allah inspired her to “Nurse him, but when you fear for him, put him then into the river, and do not fear or grieve;”2 but even to the point where Allah says “Indeed, some of your spouses and children are enemies to you, so beware of them” when speaking about the Muhājirūn whose families didn’t migrate with them to Madinah.3 If these righteous people all had adversities specifically dealing with their children, what about us? It is nonsensical to think we, with all of our shortcomings and deficiencies, would not also have challenges.

Growing up in the American Muslim community, I saw many different parenting styles—from strict, hyperfocused on education or sports, to laissez-faire, allowing the kids to virtually raise themselves. I vividly remember one time a brother came to Eid prayer with his 8-year-old twins in hand and a belt around his neck. When asked, “Why do you have a belt around your neck?” he responded, “Until they learn to fear Allah they will fear this belt.” Though I was a child myself at the time, I knew that couldn’t be the best way to instill discipline or obedience. But, I was conflicted. I also had friends whose parents were in the masjid every day for every salah (prayer) yet never enforced any religion on them. Allah told the Prophet ﷺ “You surely cannot guide whoever you like, but it is Allah Who guides whoever He wills, and He knows best who are ˹fit to be˺ guided.”4 I frequently ask myself, as an Imam and a father, what leadership style is healthiest when raising children, for both the child and the parent? 

A core part of modernity and the Western tradition is the concept of “autonomy”, or being self-governing, and anything else (i.e., external forces) is oppressive.5 From this, we raise our children as if we are engineers and they are our little projects. We want them to have the highest function and chances of success; so, we try to control everything—putting them in the best schools and extracurricular activities and making sure their environment is conducive to our aspirations for them. But, from an Islamic perspective, their success and failure (or ours, as parents) are not ultimately dependent on our output. This engineering focus, originating from an innate loving disposition, can lead us to forget who’s ultimately in control, blinding our ability to figuratively see God.

Gardening

Imam Idris Abdul-Zahid recently taught me a different perspective. As a part of the Muslim Wellness Foundation’s Imam’s Roundtable, I asked him, “How do you define leadership?” He said (in summary), “Many have given definitions, but let me tell you my leadership style: I provide a vision, invest in people, and nurture their capabilities.” This really resonated, partly because his style resonated with mine, but also because of the imagery it conjured up for me. “So, you’re a gardener?” I responded. “Your vision is the sunlight, your investment in people is planting seeds, and then your nurturing of their capabilities is watering the plant so.” This metaphor for leadership, i.e. gardening, applies to parenting very well and is counter-distinctive to the engineers we often view ourselves. Furthermore, I believe this to be a theological position.

The Quran opens with a dua (supplication), which we say at least 17 times a day during each rakat (unit) of our prayer,—“Guide us to the straight path.”6 This supplication is significant because it directs our hearts and minds towards Allah, beseeching His guidance. After all, “Allah’s guidance is the only true guidance.”7 In His divine wisdom, before we get to the pinnacle of dua of Surah Al-Fatiha, we start with a series of theological affirmations: “In the Name of Allah—the Most Compassionate, Most Merciful. All praise is for Allah—Lord of all worlds, the Most Compassionate, Most Merciful, Master of the Day of Judgment. You alone we worship and You alone we ask for help.”8 In addition to teaching us the art of dua, Allah is ensuring we clearly understand whose guidance we are seeking. Therefore, bringing the focus to our parental leadership style and disposition, we must know it is Allah who truly guides and determines all things, not us. We are merely placed as a khalifa9 (authority) over our children.

If we are to take the gardening perspective and apply it to parenting, our children are the plants. Every plant has specific needs—some require strong and long sun exposure while some do not, some require moist soil while others require a dry environment. The nature of the plant itself will dictate the type and amount of care that’s required from the gardener. Thus, as parents, we have to pay attention to our children and learn what their specific needs are. A more introverted and analytical child that takes to books might be more adept at memorizing the Quran and more extensive Islamic studies (or, for secular studies, medicine and engineering) whereas a more extroverted creative child possibly will not. What gifts did Allah create them with and which weren’t they given? As gardeners, the primary objective is to facilitate the conditions for our children to flower into their full God-given potential. Yet, still, the nature of the plan, and even its outcome, is not entirely ours to control. We do our part leaving the rest to God and that does not make us less of gardeners (i.e., parents) or them as plants (i.e., children). 

Sunlight

We must ensure the plant is given adequate sunlight—God. Allah is Al-Khaliq Al-Raziq (The Creator, The Provider). Like the sun, He is unseen, in Himself, but His signs are recognized by those who pay attention. Without sunlight photosynthesis is impossible, but it is also broad and encompassing and not very specific or focused. Our children are no different. In addition to having overarching general goals and aspirations for them (that are flexible enough to change depending on the needs that arise), we have to ensure our kids know who God is and strive to make them love Him and His messenger ﷺ. Long past are the days of teaching children religion by fear and force. In the current zeitgeist, where everything is geared towards appealing to our desires and objective values and reason have been placated to a backseat, it simply does not work. Additionally, like the sun, so long as it's loving and healthy, there cannot be too much for our children. But, that plant, our children, must be planted in fertile earth.

Earth

While some plants can grow in water alone, most plants require being planted in earth. Before planting them, the seeds need preparation and the ground needs tilling. What earth, or environment, we raise our children in is something worth considering on multiple levels—society, community, and home. 

We have very little control over the society at large wherein we raise our children. Even the romanticized view of Islam in Muslim-majority countries has been permeated by the Western monoculture. From my experiences living in these environments, they require heightened vigilance, more than living as minorities in the West, because the prevalence of Muslims and masjids easily deceived us into thinking the West’s problems are nonexistent there. I knew numerous young people who grew up in Muslim-majority countries without any attachment to, and often a perverted view of, Islam. Allah is Al-Alim Al-Qadir (the All-Knowledgeable All-Powerful one who decrees all things); therefore, the place and time, situation and context, we are raising our children in is precisely as Allah has ordained and the absolute best for our families. Perhaps we aspire to improve our context and situation, as all humans do, but it should not be something that causes us remorse. From my experience, the values taught at home and reinforced by the community are the most impactful; while “family life has the strongest influence, all environments influence one another.10

We have to ask ourselves what will be the at-home investment we are creating for our children. How will we take from our own personal experiences, the things that we wish were done differently, and build upon them? Studies have shown that the type of emotional support we show our children affects many areas of their lives for 20-30 years in the future.11 This is especially important for second-generation American parents. While perhaps the disposition of our parents worked with us, that likely will not work for our children and requires an intentional shift in focus when parenting. Religion no longer has the same significance in the hearts of our children, as one study showed 87% of youth, ages 13-27 years old, said participating in religious or spiritual practices did not lead to a sense of purpose.12 Can we create healthy relationships where our children feel comfortable sharing their opinions, trust they are cared for, and feel safe being themselves? In the aforementioned study, those were the things that young people reported they gave them a sense of belonging in religious communities. 

Allah tells us, “God will not burden a soul with more than they can bear.”13 Therefore, regardless of how daunting things may seem, we have the capacity to handle it. Our responsibility is to figure out how to maximize what He has provided us with and utilize it to earn His pleasure. That requires the theological position of humility, which is built upon loving knowledge and service. We must believe in Him and couple it with righteous actions. We accept our children for how He created them and then try to ensure their environment is conducive to flourishing, but we also have to nurture them. 

Water

If we want to raise loving moral Muslim children we must pour that into them, as the famous Arabic proverb goes, “faqid al-shay' la yu'tihi (you cannot give what you don’t have).” This requires intentionality, engaging with them in a method appropriate to the needs of their age. Thankfully, in Iḥyāʾ ʿUlūm Al-Dīn (Revival of the Islamic Sciences), Imam Al-Ghazali (d. 505/1111) mentions an anonymous quote that can be used as a metric just for that. “Your child is your raihan (sweet basil)14 for seven years, your servant for seven years, and then they are either your enemy or your companion.”15

For the first 7 years, we should treat our children like we are caring for a sweet-smelling flower. As delicate beings, they should be cherished, loved, and appreciated for the gift from God they are. This isn’t the time when we are rough with them, as that could damage the flower and its development. These are the years wherein we instill a sense of belonging and self-confidence by bringing them close and showing mercy to them. The Prophet (SAW) said, “He is not one of us who does not have mercy on our young and does not respect our elders''16 and, in the same vein, when a man said he did not kiss his sons, “I cannot put mercy in your heart after Allah has taken it away from it.”17 Additionally, these are the years we lay the foundation for the years to come. 

Ages 7-14 is the phase of intentional instruction. The quote says they are “your servants for seven years”, but I understand that from the perspective of apprenticeship. Even in the modern era, up until the industrial factory system, it was very common for children to assist in the family business with age-appropriate tasks. “It was considered a merit of the domestic system that it kept husband and wife and children together so that their earnings went into a common purse and children worked under the eyes of their parents.”18 Furthermore, “before the introduction of mass schooling, a degree of formal training was needed to iron out initial differences in skills among children and to socialize adolescents into adulthood.”19 Between ages 7-14, we should focus on giving them tarbiya (personal development), providing them with instruction that prepares them for when they are more autonomous and forced to make decisions for themselves. The hope and prayer is that, by the time they reach the next phase, they have grown into young people and we enjoy sharing each other’s company.

That leaves us with the phase from 14 years old and onwards. By now the planted seeds are already in the earth and, hopefully, started sprouting. As gardeners, we should have a basic grasp on what type of flower they have the potential to become, and our job is to lovingly provide scaffolding to help it grow straight. Though this is relatively young, especially in our current climate (with the social and economic trends constantly expanding the limits of adolescence well into the twenties),20 this is when they start trying to answer the twin identity questions: “Who am I?” and “What is my place in the world?”21 Those questions are beyond our control, unanswerable and unresolvable. 

During the beginning part of this new phase of our children’s lives, they go through many biological and cognitive, but also social-contextual, changes. This is a pivotal time to change our parenting style to one of true friendship—based on love and which is not always pleasurable—as they start to become more peer-focused and seek independence and autonomy.22 It requires being principled and wise, telling the loved one what they need to hear and not necessarily what they want to hear. Nevertheless, the perspective is less of a domineering authoritative parent and more of a well-meaning mentor. If we are able to manage our own emotions effectively, keeping our intentions on pleasing Allah and serving our children’s needs, then they will be companions to us on our spiritual journey.

We must not forget that each of us will have a reckoning,23 both children and parents alike, for how we lived our lives and what we did during them. Every juncture has specific requirements and obligations. We were commanded to be good to our parents—not even making a disrespectful utterance, in our youth and in their old age24—but also to protect our family from incurring Allah’s displeasure.25 This responsibility is often full of difficulty and turmoil, but its rewards, if done sincerely excellent, is the everlasting pleasure of whatever the soul desires in Paradise26 in the company of the prophets, the people of truth, the martyrs, and the righteous.27 Thus, pragmatically speaking, we must recognize the extent of our abilities and exert ourselves there. Our children are not little projects of raw material to engineer into whatever we have always wished for them; rather, they are delicate flowers gifted to us by God to care for. Ultimately, despite our best efforts, there is no might and power except by Him. 

Allah aid us all!

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